Dreams and blasts from the past

So I never journal/write or do any of that anymore (shame shame) but I just had such a compelling feeling today and realization that iIhad to get it out.

In my 20s, there was a man, let's call him Mr. D as I always did.  He was very wealthy, he showered me with cash, gifts, trips, the life.  He was also, say 17 years older than me.  This was in college.  It was awesome.  I wish now that I had not felt guilty or wierd about it then, but I also did not want to get caught up in that either and forego my career.  I honestly think that part of the reason I chose to go to the school that I did for grad school, instead of another equal option in the L.A. area was because I felt his pull on me would have been too strong, I would never have broken away, he would have owned me, he told me he would pay for my school/apartment with a "trust" which I did not understand back then,...I think I knew I need a fresh start and to get away from this man that I could NEVER take home to my parents and probably wouldn't want me to anyway.  This was also something that just occurred to me today in the wee hours of the morning after I had this dream that led me here.
Anyway, we always had fun, again, I had this stupid guilt about it, but I think it was self-protection.  We went to Hawaii, Palm Springs, he visited me at college and we stayed in the best hotel suites in town, drank Crystal, went to ridiculous dinners that cost thousands of dollars, but there was something with him that always left me empty and lonely.  Like he was never quite there, I never felt like I could bare my soul with him, nor did he reveal anything to deep with me, geez this sounds crazy but he was almost like this wonky dad figure, he gave me good advice but not in a way that applied to my reality (he basically left highschool and became a self-made millionaire) - could not understand my middle class obsession with college and grad school and "waiting in line" - aspects of his perspective always stuck with me but never seemed like they could be real for me.  He lived in Orange County with all the trappings, homes in Hawaii, Beverly Hills, God knows where else and probably girlfriends in all those places too.  Divorced with young children back then.  Ex wife drama - of course she had this life where she never worked, lived off his alimony and child support and the whole thing.  Totally out of a tv show. 
I can't say that he gave me any confidence, probably the opposite.  I am just so thankful to God almighty that I had something in me that I did not end up with this person.   Not that I think he ever would have asked me to marry him, would have taken me in like that, and I always felt the need to make sure he knew that I did not need or want that, but I guess at some place in the back of my mind I wanted him to want me in that way even if I did not see that as a good solution.  Security perhaps.  And who does not want millionaire men proposing and confessing undying love to them?  I loved him in some way, not passionate romantic love but the idea of him, that if things were different....

I think that if things did not happen just so with me getting into a school far away and I had "followed"him to California....it could have been easy and unfulfilling and dramatic... I would never have gotten away.  I would have always had boyfriends and he would have texted me and I would have cheated on them to go with him to Hawaii, or stay the weekend in some posh place where half the time he was not there because he had to "work" but it did not matter because I could order room service and go to the pool and shop in the hotel shop and buy stupid shit and charge it to the room and he would never even so much as glance at the bill.  What a ridiculous life.  He also introduced me to Pilates and for that I am eternally grateful.  I honestly think I saw him during the time I was seeing any other guy after the time that we met, until I met my husband.  I never really had serious boyfriends, and I wonder if that was because of him - but I"m thankful for that!  He probably kept me away from a lot of consuming relationships that were going nowhere... he kept it casual for me which is what i needed in those years to stay focused on finding the right one, somehow.  He would call me after months of silence, and no matter if I was interested in someone or casually seeing someone or not I would go wherever he wanted and have some wild weekend, come back and feel guilty and slowly phase out whoever I was seeing because Mr. D was better.  Lawd.

ANYWAY my point of all that is last night I had the most vivid, real dream... the kind where you wake up and are still in it, even after you get up to pee, go back to sleep, know you're at home in your marital bed with your cats and it still just keeps going.  It was erotic and sweaty and sharp and we were in one of his homes somewhere just like I was in my twenties all over again, but there was just this deep emptiness that I always had.  The linens were plush, the walls were beautifully decorated, everything was like this perfect setting but it was just empty!  I can't explain it.  It was so dark and deep and even as I was in it I was thinking about my dear sweet husband and just how I can't ever explain this to him, and like I was cheating but not because it was years ago but now at the same time.  It was horrific all the same.

but THEN, in that between dream and wake sleep as it was ending/over I just had this overwhelming feeling of all the amazing things my husband is.  While he showers me with anything that I want and money is not something he could give two shits about, it goes so beyond that.  The man built me a GD deck with his own two precious hands, the man built me a house, the man listens to everything I say and acts on it.  I want for nothing from him.  I want to cry as I write this because how can I tell him.  How can I explaint this to him.  I am nowhere near adequate for him.  I am selfish and lazy and impatient.  He's just so fucking amazing like, I can't even.  I sound like a complete and utter itdiot millenial right now but I just can't describe him.  I just can't even!  ha!   I don't know what I can do for him.  I love him as much as I can, but there has to be more.  There has to be a way to reach his sweet soul.

OBVIOUSLY I cannot share this analysis with him, but maybe I should.  Maybe sometimes perspective and comparison is the only way to understand the depth of something. 

This whole morning I've gone down memory lane of all the places I went, things I experienced, life that I learned with Mr. D and I certainly don't regret a moment of it.  But no amount of any of that shit compares to the one sweet moment I met my husband, or our precious wedding day, or the times we fight, or waking up next to him or any of it.  Like i literally do not care about any ting else and it is so hard to keep that perspective in the day to day bullshit of life.  and I am so thankful to the higher force of God that got me out of that situation with Mr. D, and to the grad school that i went to where I met this man and changed my life forever.

Moments in life

When you get a call from the woman that hired you (and left company five months ago) to get out because the IRS is levying your client's accounts because your firm owes them a shit ton of money.

So there's that. There are moments that take your breath away... I never remember having a physical reaction to stress and when she told me I got shooting pains in my spine.

So, do I look for a "job" or do I take this opportunity (lemons?) and make lemonade... Open that little store front...I don't know. Head spinning.

Visiting my grandma for her 99th birthday... Which sharpens all of this into perspective and I hate that work can be so consuming... But remembering being on my own was as or more stressful. Gag!

Feeling crummy!

Sucks!  I've literally had a cough and sore throat since before Christmas.  It hasn't been enough to really keep me down, which is kind of the worst part, because I kept just going about life, working out, running around, working on the house, and now almost a month later I am still coughing and sore throat-y.  Finally yesterday I said enough, stayed inside, made chicken noodle soup from scratch and was generally lazy and a waste of life.  today I had a hearing so I went to that and a luncheon and then came home and got in bed where I am now.  Working, but sprawled out and in sweats.  I guess it is a good reminder to slow down sometimes, and forces me to do that, because otherwise I can't stand it.  Feeling helpless and guilty because Hubby is building kitchens by himself and I'm not so sick to be fever and throwing up and not moving, but sick enough to annoy the crap out of me.  Reminder of how  my body needs some love and rest, I guess.  ugh.

Reflecting on 2016

2016 was an amazing year.  I dare say best yet.... we went so many wonderful places (the year of weddings!) and bought our house.  I ALMOST completed my Pilates certification and killed it at work.  I love my little hubby more every day and feel like all the craziness of the year brought us closer than ever.
January we went to Miami for a wedding, and again in February.  From Miami to Turtle Cay, Bahamas for a deserted island (if not as hot as we wished) and deserted beach vacation...rented a boat and a golf cart to troll around the island and peaceful pink beaches.....March was a weekend spent with my grandparents for their birthdays, April we closed on the house.  We also spent a long weekend in Sonoma with both sets of parents in a rental house that was really a great time.   meant May was demolition time and in June we left for France and Italy for a week with our parents (French cooking school) and time together in a little B &B, then a week in Italy just the two of us in a tiny little beach town soaking up rays and drinking Rose.  We came back for a quick stint before the annual July fishing trip in Seattle and then I started teaching Pilates at FFC... I don't know how I had time to do it but I did, and I learned so much through that process.  About the business side of it, about people's receptiveness (or lack of) to it...or me...about what I want and how I want to steer my life... September we had Deidre and Alex visit us for an awesome Labor Day weekend of bopping around Chicago, took a golf trip to Wisconsin and played in the cold and rain and went to Oktoberfest in Sheboygan.  In October we had an epic week of weddings spending time in NM for Shelli's, visiting with my parents, and then off to Cabo for five days for Dale's - while the Cubs won the world series in our absence...then Donald Trump got elected.  We had hubby's parents with us for Thanksgiving and mine for Christmas...so lovely not to travel for the holidays this year.  We are so so so so so excited for our house to be finished which should be by the end of the month.  Sadly my grandparents took turns for the worst in September, Mamy having a stroke and Papy having complications of a broken heart, I think.  Now they are in nursing care which is devastating for everyone but especially my grandma who spent every waking hour of her life doing something. 


I really like to set goals/resolutions each year... thinking forward a big thing for us will be to get the house situation set up and get our finances back on some kind of normal track.  We are ok, but it has of course gone over budget so we need to figure out how all the dust is going to settle.  In furtherance of that, we agreed to a January "no-unnecessary-spending" rule...this will help us clear out our freezer and not accumulate more crap before we move!  Will be dropping carbs and booze for a few weeks to shed the holiday pounds.... want to keep up my workouts, I've found to love Monday runs and then joined class pass to spice it up over the course of the week...I have about 10 Pilates hours to go to get my certification...I dunno, I really feel like my focus this year needs to be on our home, making it comfortable and beautiful and enjoying it.  I have some goals in mind work-wise...would like to clear 300K on my own next year... seems crazy, but I thought the goals I set this year seemed crazy and I just about got there, so what the heck.  I'm giving a presentation in a few weeks... I would like to give a total of 5 talks this year..... I want to spend less time glaring into my phone and more time being present...read more and social media less...my strategies for this in the past is one check in on FB or Insta per day... I slowly fell off the wagon throughout the year but time to revisit that!  I think next year I want to get my real estate license... too much for this year.  I guess the whole baby thing has to be discussed... the suggestion was made to freeze my eggs if we are not sure yet... but then some days I am sure and I'm ready and don't see the point of all that if we could just go ahead and have one...I  went back on the pill the latter part of the year because I couldn't deal with the not knowing and started to doubt whether motherhood is for me.  I still don't know, but I don't want to foreclose it, or wake up at 37.5 like, whoops.  Maybe a good goal is to either be pregnant or freeze eggs by the end of the year. 

Other than that, I am always excited for a new year and a fresh start and that the insane-ness of the holidays is OVER... can't wait to get back to feeling healthy, in control, clear, and motivated.  Here's to 2017!!!!

And then you wake up and you're 33...

I've been meaning to type that headline for a few weeks since "the big day"...cray.  Just cray.  It is kind of an innocuous age but birthdays always have this sort of halo thing around them for a few weeks before and maybe a week after.  It was a really grand day, though.  I slept in, opened perfect gifts from my thoughtful husband, (lingerie, cashmere, and comfy sweats - score), went to breakfast with my hubby at Cozy Corner, when to check the construction on our house, talked to my dad on the phone during that, went to the suburbs to select tile/flooring/kitchen and then rode a leisurely train to the loop for a couple of hours of work; treated myself to a hot cocoa and biscotti, a pedicure, champagne, acupuncture, and home to pack for our trip to NM and Cabo for a week.   The first year my grandparents didn't call me on my birthday.  They are both in nursing care facility, grandma with a stroke and grandpa I believe a broken heart.  My mom is there cleaning out their apartment which is emotionally devastating, I am sure, and so hard.  I went out there about a month ago and it was heart-wrenching to see my amazing, strong, feisty, fierce grandmother laying in a hospital bed asking for my grandpa to put his "large warm hand" on her sore neck and brushing her hair and rubbing her feet.  I am so blessed to have them both.  It's so crazy what they have seen in their lives.

Meanwhile, last week, I went to my first lesbian wedding and a hubs's friend's wedding in Mexico.  Both such different events and so amazing in their own ways.  Lesbians make things so simple; California girls, not so much, but she still had an idyllic beach wedding.... not nearly as memorable as mine.  I've been to so many "perfect" weddings and never felt the emotion of mine -- well duh, but just that raw, emotional, battling, humid, fierce, people-standing-around you authentic feeling.

Work is weird lately.  I've done the full swing from "I'm quitting and teaching Pilates" to "I'm quitting and opening my own firm" to "I'm looking for a job" to now "I'm just in it."  I honestly have had a case or two in the last 6 months that I feel like I've "lost" and for some reason it is madly effecting my confidence and I feel sort of blah.  But through the experience my firm/boss have been endlessly supportive, never un-constructively criticized me, I've taken all the time off I've wanted, and I just can't complain.  I feel very supported (maybe I am naïve) but I just can't go right now. 

Pilates ran its course teaching-wise.  It was a blessing, and fun, and a huge eye opening experience to the business side of it.  My little fantasy of "I am going to quit the corporate grind and open a studio" -- I mean I still dream about it but I realize now that it's all in and incredibly challenging to get clients.  In 6 months of being "employed," I "sold" ONE session, and I really think that is because the guy felt sorry for me.  I'm not sure if I sucked, or if it was pricing, or what.  In any case, I am still enjoying the studio and I met an amazing Pilates friend that is in same life-space as me and we are just in friend-love.  We go to classes together, play in the studio, etc. etc. and she's just great.  So many blessings and happiness have come from it, so its all good.  I still want to see where it goes and fantasize madly about buying all the equipment.  However, again, I've realized nothing replaces the magic of private sessions or a good group session; $10K can buy a lot of those. 

I don't know what to do on Friday nights, right?  I usually just want a drink and pizza and bed.  tonight we are going to a Concert of a fun bluegrass band we've seen a few times and love.  In fact, I am going to go and call my daddy because that just made me think of his sweet soul.

Summer in Chicago

It's been a fantastic, fun-filled summer.  We spent two weeks in the South of France and Italian Riviera ... I kept a separate journal on that... and then back for one week and another week in Seattle before coming back to the grind... the beauty is that summer in Chicago is not much of a grind...  lots of golf, happy hours, early departures from work, events, etc. etc.  It is a time of year that I am extremely thankful for my flexible job.  They seem to be getting stuff somewhat straightened out, albeit with monies that I have brought in.  Fine.  just don't ask me where I am or question my hours.  ha.

To sum up the trim, my mom and I did a four day French cooking school with a very opinionated French woman; four days with hubby and his mom and dad in a small town, mostly still just exploring around with my mom; then he and I took off for the beaches of the Italian Riviera and wine country of Piedmont.  It was a perfect mix of tourism and totally relaxing.  Everything was smooth and easy, flying business was such a treat, a really great fun trip. 

Seattle we spent fourth of July with Carly and the usual group at the boat house on Lake Union... fun as always, everyone getting a bit older and the weather crappy.  Worked remotely for a couple of days and then up to Vancouver Island/Quadra for the annual salmon trip... not many fish this year and to be perfectly honest at times I dread spending 12 hours on that boat.  however, waves of pure happiness and thankfulness come over me at times to be spending that time with my man and his papa.  it's really cute just to watch them.  Plus this year I bought international data plan so I had work to keep me somewhat preoccupied.   We had excessive dinner at Sushi Kashiba with Carly and she and I had a fun girl-bonding day after trying and failing to take a yoga class.  Went to Beau's beautiful, sunny wedding on a farm in Snohomish and got wasted with Alex and his wife, which was fun.  Another couple there who's name I can't remember, and the six childless of us bonded together over that (especially the girls).

I am going through a moment of thinking I don't even want a baby.  Mentally I think I have come to terms with ok, we might need help for this, so, if that is the case, why not wait a few more years?  Our house is in (beautiful, hopeful) shambles and my client base is growing and work is exciting in that way.  I read about and talk with friends about all the terrible things that can go wrong to your body and/or the baby and I get really freaked out.  I guess I've had to think about how life without kids looks and it doesn't look so bad.  Especially when all anyone ever does is complain about their kids.  So, I am back on the pill.  Doctor also says that maybe I am not getting appropriate vitamins and such because of lack of cycling so to go back on it if we are not truly anxious to have one right now.  There's that "we" thing... I haven' told hubby I'm back on, only that I was thinking about it.  Need to do that.  I don't want it to come off as a closed door, but it is also too mentally draining on me to every few weeks have a panic attack that I could or could not be pregnant and the constant vicious up and down (wanting it and then not wanting it) that comes with that.  thinking a bout women of past generations that maybe didn't have the choice and it frightens me. 

So there's that.

Two of my best friends from grade school (Shell an Jess) are coming to Chi next weekend for bachelorette antics for Shelli.  Should be a riot and so fantastic to see them and spend a few uninterrupted days bopping around the city.  In the summer.  It's so lovely.

The things life throws at you -- you just never know.  It's so crazy.  Hubby just found out one of his buddies from grad school was found dead... two kids like 3 and 7 and a wife who just lost both parents within the last year.  you feel like he was really selfish....but who knows what his struggle was....

Reading "My Struggle" by Karl Ove which is insightful and inspiring and makes me (and Kate!) want to quit life and write... in some hut in the woods somewhere with good coffee, fog, wood fire, soup, a kayak for the lake and a front porch haha.

We recently found another couple that we love, haha, a girl from my Pilates training and her husband...they are so fun and in the same stage of life as us...so many commonalities it is hilarious... both do pilates, both professionals, both have white hard top convertibles, are husbands are almost the same person in their party habits, olive skin, been to Vietnam and Cambodia, not sure where they are with kids (we haven't talked about this), just bought a house, etc. etc.  So that's been really fun.

Pilates is interesting...I've been "working" part time at Union Station teaching and it was killing me for a week so I scaled back ... I love it but I dn't have time to teach 10 hours a week.  I thought it was doable, but it is at the cost of my own exercise and sleep and cooking and I guess I realize I am not willing to give that up?  I want to complete my hours and get the certificate and then see where I am I guess.  As long as they keep letting me teach here and there and have access to the studio, I am cool with that.  Nik and I were talking about how it has taken on this life for us where it is not fun any more... I can see it morphing to that but right now I am still in love with it.  We have our test next week and then I have to finish a ton of hours before taking the PMA.  Goal is to finish in 2016. 

LIfe flies by....

I've been reflecting lately on how we (I) get so wrapped up in every day...how to get through the 5:45 wakeup through cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and everything in between... but then when one looks back at the days over the last weeks, months, years, there are very few that stand out as a remarkable day.  There are only moments, people, friendships, glances, feelings left.  It is strangely tragic - I don't know if that is the word - but it makes you want to grasp on to each one of those things for dear life when you stop and think about it. 

Last weekend kicked of summer in Chicago... Kate arrived on Friday for Damen's wedding, and we had dinner with Karen and her beau who were also in town, at the Cherry Circle Room, a historically restored place at the Chicago Athletic Association which was just lovely.  I woke up early the next morning and made us breakfast of French toast which I had been craving for weeks, then we drove to Kenosha for the wedding...it was...strange...the bride never said hi to us, the groom called Kate on the day of his wedding (they used to have some "relationship") and the day after, I felt it was missing that "passion" but who am I to judge.  Vainly, after our wedding which was so full of passion and crazy, most weddings frankly seem pretty dull!

After the wedding we went to the Brat Stop for local beers and cheese curds.  it was a hoot and we had girl talk until 3 in the morning.  Drove back home and got her to the airport.... went to work on the house with my amazing, dedicated sweet hubby ...Karen and George came by and checked it out and we went out for pizza.  It was really great.  Then on Monday we had friends over... a fun mix of our friends that happened to be in from Miami for the wedding, local new friends, and other friends from Baz's grad school.  Grilled up Wisconsin brats, drank rose, enjoyed the rooftop and just had a lovely day.

Tuesday came on strong... I can't even remember when or who but taught a few Pilates classes this week to prospect.  It gives me such joy to teach so I am really hoping I can parle it into a few steady clients per week for a) access to the studio and improving my own practice b)making some extra dough c) learning the business and d)helping other people feel happier and more comfortable in their own bodies which is the best!!

Mornings are crazy with getting down to Union Station by 6:30 or so, but it just flows right into the day and really doesn't seem to be too much, especially if I had a base f clients which is of course the hardest part.  Hubby has been getting up really early for work the past few weeks so it makes me feel less like a cray cray... it think 2 mornings max and 2-3 days after work or at lunch would be ok.  I hpe I can figure it out in time for Union to be cool with me staying on until I do!

Wednesday was exciting...I went up to Wisconsin for a photo shoot...acting as a food stager for a website for guys that design food packaging.  It was super random but fun and I made $250 and got out of the office lol.  Pretty low hourly when you count the drive time, but, whatever.  Hopefully I can get more...the owner of the studio wanted me for something in June but we will be out of town. 

So I feel like this week is just going to be so crazy...five days to prepare for being gone for two weeks... so much to do and leave in a position to be managed while I am gone.  I know everything will be fine...my para is so freaking good and amazing.  I am so blessed to have her not only as that but really more of a friend these days.  Struggling with how much to let her in on with the weirdness going on at work...don't want her to get stuck but feeling more and more like I've got Stockholm Syndrome with the whole thing.

Also, Uncle Dean was here Thursday  night!  We went for a lovely dinner at Green River...great patio overlooking the city with the most beautiful summer evening.  So great to see him...want to get past the surface but it's hard when we see each other every few months fr a couple hours.  I feel like he is a kindred spirit in that way.

This weekend was Pilates Friday and Saturday and some prep for the trip...trying to plan but not plan too much and just wing it.  Today will be working on the house all day with my hubs.  He really is amazing with this whole house thing.  It's like this whole new side of him and it is really sexy.  not that I didn't think he had it, but he is so dedicated and loving toward the whole thing, and so not lazy (like me!).  Feeling so super blessed with this man. 

Also went to the girl doctor who tells me everything is fine  bloodwork-wise and maybe I should go BACK on the pill to regulate.  I need to look for a new doctor... I just get this feeling that she is super rushed all the time and has these canned responses.  It's just such a pain to find someone new and then potentially start all over.  I'm over the hormones.  At the same time, I'm good with the status quo.

Like I said...life is flying and days are packed to the gills!

being in vegas is so wierd

I don't think I can have a normal Vegas experience...having lived here for four years (and LIVING every second of it) coming here as a tourist and especially as a work-tourist is crazy. 

Here for a real estate conference which has been fantastic... met this chick last week at our work happy hour who invited me to come with her and friends for a Sun-Tues stretch of Vegas networking...Boss man said go for it so I booked a 48 hour trip.  Things that have happened since I landed at 10 a.m. on Sunday:

• PG got me great room at Vdara.
• Cranked out SJB motion on plane.
• Met "John" at pool and basically just wanted someone to talk to so went for it and stupidly gave him my cell because I thought the girls I was hanging with would want to meet dudes.  So stupid and just dumb.  but whatever....free mimosa...wait...but then he continued to text me throughout the weekend and sent me a really creepy text about my "aura"
• Went to Bellagio to meet up with Katie and friends.  I am youngest of group but they remind me of me and my friends and are cool.  I think they are hungover, which is good, so none of us go too nuts.
• We go to a few work/networking parties and meet a lot of people that I need to follow up with.  Bond Bar and Clique at Cosmopolitan.
• Bed ....$35 quesadilla.
• Wake up
• Run
• Reserve spot at Vdara pool
• tan
• Go to lunch with D and P and F.
• Amazing
• Lago
• so good and real to be with my girl and catch up on our lives....just the best feeling in the world.  Like, catch me up on your life in 60 mins.
• Go back to Bellagio with pool with Katie and new bff N.
• Have drink to feel better and feel worse
• oh well...get in cold pool and deal
• Get ready for night two
• Meet up at Cosmo/Vaspar bar
• Veuve
• Walk into Beauty and Essex like a boss because of Flo's man.  Times your college tuition pays you back in very real ways....
• I wish I would have taken vegas more for what it was and what I had and ran with it.  Ohwell.
• Anyway...go to Marqueee...again, past all lines, for free, and drink tickets.
• party, drink, talk to people
• meet person who allegedly develops all trader joe's nationwide
• stay at club because you lived in vegas and have issues being anywhere except behind the private/velvet rope section
• walk through Cosmo and stop at craps table and meet person who owns grocery stores in Cincinnati.  Forget name.
• Feet hurt
• room...heat up quesadilla leftovers
• pass out

that's now...

xoxoxoxoxo.  what 48 hours ouch.

Reading May 2009 posts

Goodness... it has been seven years since law school graduation...I...just...can't.  That time in my life was so crazy and wonderful...I was just reading my posts about visiting with Cheprhan in the Hamptons, like a week before graduation.  Like, who does that?  Goes and stays with someone's mom...and his mom met a guy on Craigslist and he came to a bbq... i didn't remember that detail and I am so glad I wrote that post while I was there!  Incredible.

I don't know if I will look back on my early thirties with the same abplomb!  (Oh, we had the 9-5 grind and bought a house...whoopie!...as opposed to trailing around Costa Rica with my girlfriends and meeting men in bars and then traveling to see them at the house they live in with their mother)... but there is something so beautiful about our life right now and I remain sorry that I have not written more about the last seven years of our life together!  It is only memories.  Little references to my husband in our early dating years...long stretches of nothing except popping in to say "hi" and I'm happy.

Although we do still have an amazing life full of travel and little, daily adventures.  Just a good reminder of how precious every single moment is no matter where it happens.

These early morning weekend blog sessions get me so emotional!  Thank you lack of sleep.

I will add that even though I am not getting a period I totally feel these cyclical hormonal changes...like constant up and down but seems to be on some kind of cylcle.... a week or so of feeling totally bat shit crazy, angry, questioning everything, and then a week or whatever of total bliss and normalcy.  Insane.

the happy place

I'm so happy right now!  I don't know, I just have this peace and joy.  Yet I can't sleep with anxiousness (positive) and thoughts racing through my head of everything to be done!  Like I wake up so early and my mind just goes to the rabbit hole... Last night it was so bad I had to take a Mr. Z which I hate and then have counterproductive anxiety about taking anxiety medication...wtf?  But if I look inside I am so happy and thrilled with life right now!  It's so strange.  I think I just have so much on my mind that it is tough to calm down.  Between work which is going really well and I am truly thankful in this moment for the set up of independence that I have (setting all office political issues aside), Pilates, the house, trying to keep on top of food prep/eating healthy, getting my own workouts, being a good wife/daughter/friend etc... (and all not in THAT ORDER!).....it's a lot. But I wouldn't have it any other way because these are all such wonderful fun things.


I am really obsessed with my Pilates.... starting "officially" to teach tomorrow...it happened so much faster and, honestly, easier than I ever thought.  I mean, it's not easy by any means... now I have to find clients that are willing to pay real money to take private or group sessions!  Oh well, a new challenge.

Work on the house has been fun.  Baz has made incredible progress with the demo, and he is so happy to have the project and enjoys it, which is fun and great.  I love him, I don't know how I managed to get a guy like this...I guess I kissed A LOT of frogs first.  When I look back and think about the idiots that I could have/wanted to end up with (A), it is truly frightening.  Now I know why parents say they won't let their daughters date until they are 30!  Mine will be 40!

On that front, aunt flo still hasn't showed back up.  It is becoming a sort of undercurrent in my life and thank God I am so busy I don't have time to dwell on it.  And for some reason I feel this weird guilt thing when I think, you know what, now isn't a good time anyway. So maybe my bod knows that and is just going with the flow.  I know that's probably not a good scientific explanation, but again, I don't have time to worry about it.

My mom was here this week on her way to Pittsburgh; we had a fun 36 hours of showing her our new house, Pilates apparatus class, our traditional Belgian bakery, Macy's, Nordstrom, every other shop on Michigan, Eataly, and BYOB dinner at a Thai place.  It was really great to be with her; I've had my issues in the past and I feel like just taking a positive approach and realizing how precious little time we have in life has helped me a lot to get past my b.s. with mom issues.  However stuff still creeps up and I still want therapy LOL...that was another 2016 goal I haven't dealt with yet, le sigh.

Countdown to France has begun!  This time next week we will be on our way.  As usual, the work-stress involved in taking such time off is so challenging!  As opposed to Asia, I supposed I will be "reachable" so I am trying to strike the right balance of being around to deal with my clients and just enjoying life.

That's getting interesting; I want to make sure these guys stay "my" clients, but when a more senior person has the technical knowledge...sometimes I feel I am being "pushed out" on that front -- like it is easier for them to just do the work rather than have me do a draft and then have to correct it.  I hope we get another deal soon so I can put my foot down and say I AM GOING TO DO THIS ONE!

Ok, let's start this day with some hot yoga!

February 6, 2012

I just read a post from this date where I said I was thinking about getting my Pilates certification!  How funny that almost four years to the day was the first day of my training class!  I love it!

I am also a little heartbroken that I have less than half of a "year in review" post saved in my drafts for 2009.  It stops at April, which is right before I met my hubby, or actually the month that I met him the first time!  I talk about how I am going to come back to it, but I don't.  It is really interesting to read my state of mind that first few months of that year before graduating law school and embarking on "life"....so free, careless, yet apprehensive and wanting all those trappings of adult life at the same time... talking about being sad on New Years' and hoping against hope the next year would bring "good things"... obviously the man of my dreams is what I meant...and it did!  Amazing.  I am going to go check my old blog, maybe I finished off the post there but that wouldn't really make sense.

Good things come in threes?

I know they say bad things come in threes, but thankfully good things do too ...even in fours and fives!  :)

I have to say, Thursday was such a wonderful day.  It was our fourth wedding anniversary.  I was feeling stressed about an email I got from my Pilates teacher about how the program is going to work out, charging clients etc.  I went to a spin class and on my way out, the manager of that gym basically offered me a job teaching part time.  What could make me happier?  It was funny, because I had just reminded myself that morning to "go with the flow"...the right doors will open when they do.  Then, we got a new file from my new client -- a good one!  It was a great day.
then, yesterday, April 29, 2016 we closed on our new home!
It has been quite a week.  We spent last weekend in Sonoma with both of our sets of parents for the Dry Creek Valley Wine Festival and rented a lovely home on a vineyard.  It was a really great time....we had lots of laughs watching political comedy skits, eating and drinking together, playing celebrity, and even being hungover together haha.  It was a really fantastic weekend and we agreed it was even better for our parents than for us!  I think we were a bit nervous going into it with significant political and religious differences, but fortunately everyone hates the current political situation and the religion thing only came up one night late when everyone was drunk...and was quickly squashed.  My dad is so cute... my mom starts getting into and he's jus like....June, don't.  My mom is a little lush!  It's cute...she's like me, just likes to drink fast not to get drunk but because tastes good and next thing you know, wasted!
We are doing a major gut rehab of the house which is really exciting.  I think Baz is more excited than me, but it is fun to see him have a project and be excited about something.  It's going to be stressful, but I keep trying to tell myself that he has a nice, established record with our condo and I have to stay out of the way.
Fourth anniversary is fruit and flowers... Baz created this amazing fruit and flower box and stuck a gorgeous Shinola watch in there... watches hand made in Detroit with a cool shop in our neighborhood.  Very special.  I got him boxers and swim trunks with fruit on them - ridiculous - and flowered lingerie and a golf bag.  It's always fun to come up with the traditional gifts.

Work is so so.  The big boss is really starting to get on my nerves.  They owe me like $7K in expenses and unpaid 401K contributions.  It is starting to stress me out.  I want to get an exit strategy, but everything is going so well with my new big client that I feel I can't rock the boat right now.  I do feel a little trapped, but at the same time I am thankful for a legal job that allows me the freedom to teach Pilates on the side and do other things that I love with very little supervision.  It has been interesting working with a senior attorney on a client that is mine -- she has obviously WAY more technical knowledge than I, but the client is mine.  I need her 100% to do the work.  So, it's not like I can just take the client and go to another firm.  I would need to find another "her and team and it is next to impossible to know what you are walking into until you do it.  I am going to meet with an attorney friend this week and just get his perspective.  I don't want to, say, look a gift horse in the mouth, but I also don't want to sit back while my career rolls past me and I am blindly allowing my firm to steal from me...credit and otherwise.  But it all goes back to the firm having 100% supported the development of this client, paying for everything, giving me the time to tons of marketing with/for them, etc. etc.  So, I am not going anywhere, but i want to keep my eyes open as well.  In any case, hopefully I can make some decent side money teaching Pilates!  (And flipping houses LOL)!

Bliss

End of the first quarter of 2016!  Crazy... at lot has transpired and of course I become so bogged down (in a good way) with life that I forget to record it.

We are under contract on a two-flat and moving forward.  Should close in a few more weeks and then start a major construction project... the  numbers are scary but I trust my husband to manage it and we are really excited about the possibilities... having a rental/MIL unit or even doing Air BNB and seeing how the neighborhood (Avondale) is changing and growing yet still charming and ethnic and old.

Pilates -- i am OBSESSED.  I am absolutely so happy that I signed up for the class.  I met one really great gal in particular and friendly with others... it is so amazing to have access to studios all over the city to train friends and practice myself... I am surprised somewhat to find that I love teaching nearly as much as I love practicing so it has been really great.  i'm just going with the flow as to where it leads... they have not been totally clear about what will happen when the class is over, but I am hoping that maybe I can train in exchange for unlimited access to the studios, or whatever.  Everyone asks if I want to open my own studio... yes... maybe... I'm just going with the flow and will see what doors open and opportunities present themselves.  right now I am just really happy with it and enjoying learning and having a fun, productive, social yet personal hobby.

Work is good...we had a good quarter and things seem to be on an upswing with my bank client. Deals are trickling in and hopefully we will get more after a presentation we are doing this week.

I was asked to join the board of a networking group that I am in and am strongly considering it... just keep on keeping on...can't stop won't stop I guess!  life is really exciting right now with lots of fun things happening.  feeling extremely blessed and fulfilled.

In three weeks we go to Sonoma/Dry Creek Valley with both sets of parents for a wine festival which should just be incredible and entertaining.

My goal for next year, maybe 2018, will be to get real estate license.  I can't believe I never set true goals in my younger years...that practice has changed my life.

xoxoxoxoxo

Day 30!

Day 30 of the "cleanse" -- minus 4 days in Miami last week with a couple of gluttonous steak/pizza type meals and reasonable amounts of alcohol -- surrounded by old friends, sunny and warm environs, a wedding, our hold favorite haunts, it was just a necessary but fun evil.  Otherwise we have been very good.  I feel good.  I feel lighter somehow.  like I don't get that heavy gross feeling in my stomach after I eat.  I still feel like sometimes portions are an issue, I want to keep going back, but I am trying to be very aware of that.  Workouts have been good.  Took my first pilates class with the instructor that will be teaching the course last week.  She seems like she has a good personality and will be a good teacher, I am really looking forward to that which starts next week.  Been trying to do some stuff at the gym on my own and it just feels great, I am so motivated and excited.  having brunch with a girlfriend and her friend that are interested in opening a Pilates studio...where ideas are born!

Work really picked up last week.  I got our first file (with tremendous help from F and A) from PB which was a really amazing feeling.  I have really worked hard for that over the past six months and it has, like, been my baby.  Finally, finally it is happening and it makes me feel good about my career choice and how things are going.  But it was a crazy busy week.  Had a really good result for one of my clients, as well, so all positive.  Did I meet my goal of two new clients/matters in January?  I guess not technically but the PB one sort of counts (and it is potentially a HUGE one) even though we haven't actually done the work yet, and I have to say, I had at least 3-5 leads and just none of them came to fruition.  OH well, good thing there are 11 more months in the year!

Otherwise feeling good.  We are narrowing in on buying a house... a two-flat that needs LOTS of TLC...but going to meet with our contractor at the property tomorrow and see what we can do with it and if it is worth going forward.  We are debating between keeping it a two-flat and single family; single family mortgage would be about $3K per month... just a lot to choke down.... we could afford it, but there goes our mad money and travel budget.  Two flat configuration just isn't what we had in mind and lots of zoning headache to get that changed.

Exciting stuff though!

and then you have a bitchy moment

I've been feeling really good -- positive, motivated, driven, focused (yay for New Years' resolutions), eating healthy, staying strong on the 30 days booze free, energetic, working out, etc....then, come home and snap on my poor hubby for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher.  Granted, it was kind of a long day at work, it took me forever to get home, but there is no excuse.  BUT I have asked him multiple multiple multiple times to deal with the dishes please before I come home as the last thing I can stand in the evening (right before I have to cook again) is a pile of crap.  Obviously I have some delivery issues and we have hashed this out before but there are just some things that really drive me nuts!

So, while I'm sure there have been others, this was my first significant eff-up for 2016.  But who's counting.  Fortunately, we get a fresh start with each breath, no?

Other than that, I registered for my pilates teacher training and CANNOT WAIT to get going with that and see what doors and possibilities it opens.  Work has been fun - we got new software and hired a social media person.  So aside from the usual work b.s. (and the "borrowing" of funds from my 401k) it's just been great actually.  It's truly the little things.  And it's Friday tomorrow.

So I sort of resolved to write each day because I thought I would really be struggling with the diet.  It's not too bad.  I don't miss meat and I have been having fun experimenting with vegan recipes.  I had half of a suspiciously non-diet desert at a luncheon yesterday and a roll that probably definitely had butter, but otherwise I've been ok this week.  I think my hubs is a little over the repetition of beans, but I think he's losing weight so one can't complain too much!  I'm proud of him... he's been working out and really eating well so that makes me happy.  The no booze is sort of hard socially but we've just been avoiding social situations lol.  It's boring in a way, but it is also cold AF outside so kind of nice just to hibernate and have an excuse to stay home.  Weekends are tough especially but, we got this.

I'm making a lentil-walnut loaf at the moment...yeah... there's that to look forward to.

Trying to talk myself off the ledge.  I just took a look at my retirement account and realized my employer did not fund a good portion of my account until near the end of the year.  I don’t want to dwell on this but I need to think of how to approach it and how to make sure it stops happening without compromising anything else.  It’s just so frustrating because it’s not even one of those things that makes me want to walk away, because things are otherwise good… ugh.

On to the four-hour work week’s next exercise.  Also, I woke up with an epiphany of sorts on Thursday morning…which I think was a day or two after I did the last exercise…don’t want to put too much weight on that but the correlation is interesting and somewhat undeniable.  I have been working my mind around needing/wanting a hobby…sometimes when I come home or on weekends I just feel sort of bored… like, this weird emptiness of, ok, another night in front of the TV…which don’t get me wrong…nothing I love more than a good glass of wine and night of Dateline with my hunny… but you know.  Anyway, I’ve done Pilates on and off for years and always wanted to get certified…just never had the right timing to do it in Miami and have not found a studio here that I am crazy about.  So anyway, I just decided that I am going to do it this year.  After a couple of days of research online I found a program that I am happy with and will sign up this week (after my CC cycle starts over LOL)….and maybe one day I will have my own studio.  My goal right now is just to get through the certification and see what doors open. I  just feel like it is meant to be.  The program I found coordinates nicely with almost all of the weekends we have free this year and it’s near to where we live.  Starts February 5 and I could not be more excited.

SO, with that in mind, it is helpful to have the focus of something while reading and working through this book.  Again, I don’t see myself quitting law altogether and teaching Pilates, but a tiny part of my soul does see that.  A cute little studio in Avondale called [myname’s Pilates].   Lofty and light and I really see myself more behind the scenes than instruction, but whatever.  I just see it somehow.  Or not, still a great thing to know and be able to do oneself. 

What would you do if there were no way you could fail and were 10 times smarter than the rest of the world?

Open my studio and law office and be done with it. 

6 month timeline:

Dream of having:

·      2-Flat House for rehab

·      A 15K raise

·      12 new clients

·      5K per month in income from own clients

·      Help – associate or admin?  Someone to do personal b.s.

Dream of being:

·      halfway through Pilates training (225 hours)

·      Respected among peers

·      Working less hours – 20-30 p/week

Dream of doing:

·      A couple of 5ks

·      Completing wedding photo album!

·      Preplanned trips – Bahamas, Sonoma

·      A headstand

·      1 pull-up

12 month timeline:

Dream of having:

·      2 Flat nearly complete

·      End of year bonus commensurate with efforts

·      24 new work clients

·      3 Pilates clients

·      significant PB work

Dream of being:

·      nearly done with Pilates training

·      Contemplating being able to open own office?  Or just work independently. 

Dream of doing:

·      Planning Nepal trip for 2017

·      The splits

·      5 pull-ups

Making the Jump

I am reading The Four-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss.

He talks about managing your time so you are never really “working,” taking “mini” retirements instead of the end goal retirement, and various other strategies to achieve the “New Rich.”… interesting ideas….I’m early in the book but I like the way he thinks.  Act now, ask for forgiveness later.  Action.  There is an exercise of working through “what’s the worst that could happen” scenarios.  I am not unhappy at my job nor do I intend to leave and go on my own or start some crazy new venture or anything like that…now.  This is about making sure I do not become a 9-5er who is only going through the motions and miserable.  I’m happy now because I have been blessed with a boss who evidently believes that giving one space to grow is, in fact, what is required to grow and does not chain me to the desk, etc. etc….that or he just doesn’t care.  Either way, I am just trying to stay ahead of the middle life misery curve.  So, the first part is to define your nightmare, the absolute worse thing that could happen if one did “what they are considering.”  For now, let’s just assume I am going to leave “law” and do something else… I don’t know what…we are working on the liquor business but it could be anything. I actually do like practicing law, so this is not a career escape.  Maybe just making sure I am compensated fairly...

My big thing is retirement.  I am always worried about saving for “the future” and not wanting to end up lifeless in some terrible “home” or impoverished after working my whole life.  So, not being able to set aside money is a big fear.  In fact, my husband might say I save too much and don’t use the money to enjoy life sometimes.  I don’t agree – we have a very full life of travel, nice things, nice car, nice apartment, etc. there is not really anything that I really, really want and can’t have if I really wanted to just go get it.  But anyway you can see the issue.  Would this be the “End of my life?” as the author suggests.  No.  What would be permanent impact?  Who knows?  Who knows if I would ever get back to being able to “save” as much as I would like?   Is it really permanent?  Probably not.  I always think, I could always wait tables.  If the world ended and I lost my career, I could always wait tables or bartend.  In fact, I did do that when we first moved and I did not have a solid job.

What could I do to repair the damage?  Waitress!  That could get me back on track.  I would probably have some qualms/pride issues about this, but not really… in that situation, I think I could adjust.  OR, of course, I could always go back to law. 

Next, what are the outcomes or benefits of more probable scenarios… i.e. succeeding at the new venture?  More free time, more money, more flexibility, more stimulation… how likely is it that you could produce at least a moderately good outcome?  Decent I guess.  We are both post-grad educated and I’d like to think have more business savvy and knowledge than many people that start businesses.  So, why can’t it be us?

If I was fired from my job today, what would I do to get things under financial control?  First, I would probably not look for a new job.  I would probably just do my own thing again, and amp up my freelance legal practice to supplement client matters, and maybe take that first time.  Wait tables at night if desperate for cash.  I am not afraid of being fired as I once was because I have been there (laid off) and it was scary as hell but the best thing that ever happened to me and really showed me what I was made of.  I wish I had not been so scared back then even, but given our soon-to-be-move I could not pour myself in maybe as much as I would have liked.  So, the fear of being jobless is not a huge thing for me… ok, that’s not true, it’s crazy scary, but just not as scary as it used to be I guess.

What am I putting off out of fear?  This is hard!  I don’t really know.  A year ago I would have said having a baby, but now that is just being put off because of circumstances…which is ok if that’s because I need time to get other stuff sorted out, but….Probably asking for a raise is a big one.  Asking for more responsibility/power to make decisions.  I need to just do it.  I have been here two years and am profitable and work hard and I deserve it.  But it’s scary.  Shouldn’t be.  “A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”  I like that.  No one likes those conversations but they get results.  Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear.  Another great quote. 

What is it costing to postpone action ?  I don’t necessarily feel like I am postponing anything, but say for example freelance work…. Or getting firm to make me a contractor… do I even want that?  Emotionally it costs the attachment, the crutch, the salary and check that comes every two months.  Which I’m ok with because I have been on the other end, but I don’t want to get stuck in that if the promises that have been made to me are not fulfilled.  The cost of inaction.  Financially it costs me….well…. financially.  Would likely take a huge hit in the beginning, but would ultimately probably come out ahead.  I do think I need more time to learn “the craft” and various areas of law that would allow me to obtain larger and higher-paying clients.  That answers the “what am I waiting for” question….experience…which I think is valid… but each day of this practice that goes on I realize that it is just that…a practice…and no one really knows what they are doing.  I don’t want to stay right here forever… I know that… but again, I am extremely grateful that I am in a position that is allowing me to develop on the side what could hopefully support me if it got to a point of, ok, I gotta go.  Physically… I don’t think it is costing me anything.  I have time to exercise, eat right.  That’s ok. 

Action is the most important step.

I have my action plan for the year… more clients, more connections, more growth, more learning, and more practice.  And financially, making enough to support my salary and maybe pay some rent.