having my cake

and enjoying it.

I swear, they are on opposite schedules. One is out of town, the other is here. One is perfect, the other one...I can pick out flaws like strawberries. But for some sick reason it is still fun to somehow tease myself with the past...even the future.

I guess this is all part of falling in love...it is truly amazing how the past and its accompanying baggage has just faded into this wierd haze of fun memories, tinted with rose and all. At the same time, the past is defining, and strong and even beyond that I feel like I almost owe it to my old self and my new self to settle the score in some things. And I don't even mean settle forever, just settle in my heart so I can get through the day accepting that this is me now and it is wonderful. and all the changes that encompasses. changes that are hard for me, but welcome...i've always liked a challenge

in other news, I told my mother today that I wanted to bring him home for thanksgiving. there was a long silence followed by "Well, you know we only have the one bed now..."....yes mom...He can sleep on the couch. Seriously? But then she was excited. So now I think she knows this is something "real" .... at least moreso than in the past for me. I mean, i have NEVER brought a guy home...i'm sure this is rocking the K household tonight, I don't really feel like dealing with it in terms of returning her phonecall.

I was just telling Rebs how I feel like working is really good for me in terms of not stressing about the future... like right now I am just looking to get to the weekend, enjoy that, and face Monday. Before it was like, ok what is happening in thre months, waht's my next trip, when am I getting this place, etc....now I just have to go with it.

who knew having a boyfriend would be fun?

i always thought having a boyfriend was the end of my fun days.

Au contrare....

I'm sending a box of gingersnaps and pink lace panties to his hotel room in South Carolina since he is away for work for the week. Along with a card with one of the slickest kinky messages I've ever come up with.

I stand corrected.

he's out of town

so i'm lonely :(

but good for me to spend time alone. Amazing how the work week zaps your time...this leaves like 4 hours on Saturday to get EVERYTHING done...along with the rest of the city. And Miami is not a fun city to run errands in.

Transit is, by far, the best bar in Miami...and I can't wait for a.m. yoga. So glad I have found a few things to center me during the week. I just need to make time for the grocery store and NOT spending money on going out to lunch every day.

Goals for the week:

2 lunches out.
3 salads.
4 workouts
send Babe a card.
clean.
organize new dresser.
be good at my job.
look good doing it :)

what an amazing day

Passed the bar!!!

the wait was absolutely making me batty....the nausea every time I thought of it...that tense feeling in my stomach...the being testy and anxious. But it is over, and I PASSED. My heart was thumping out of my chest yesterday while waiting for the results. I was literally on my knees in front of my computer screen in my office, shaking like crazy. What an incredible wave of relief. And it has slowly been setting in over the past day that I am an attorney, just like I have been striving for for so long! It is truly a surreal feeling...

So far loving my job. I feel clueless and clumsy, but my cases are interesting and I'm learning a ton -- basic office type stuff, and legal stuff.

The boyfriend is awesome...he amazes me and I love him more every day. He suprised me by taking me to this adorable, delicious hole in the wall Peruvian restaurant last night... picked out Pinot Noir...ate mashed potato/avocado/mushroom/octopus glory with me. Incredible man...I feel so great these days, the sun is bright, I saw a rainbow this morning...:o) Loooooovvvvveeee is such a beautiful thing, and it has been so long. But every day that I've had to wait makes it so much better.

4pm

today...i decided that i am ready for retirement. my shoulders and eyes were aching, i wanted a beer. but the flip side is having nothing to do or lacking a challenge. i mean, i truly like my job...I'm interested in what I am doing. just the grind of 9-6 (and being SPENT at 4 but having to stay because of guilt and obligation) SUUUUCCCKKKKS....but it was my FIRST payday so that was super exciting and amazing. and then i had to turn around and pay off my bills. sweet. but i am just happy that i can pay them.

besides that, something else that i knew was inevitable happened...the phone call invitation from Work guy to happy hour. yup. and you KNOW i went. i thought of all these work-related reasons to go, but the reality is i wanted to and it raised as many questions as it answered.

B and I had a nice drunken conversation the other night about the future. him going back to school and how i don't want to be dating a student for the next 5 years. how he wants two kids, i want one. how we have this whole life planned all of a sudden, and i don't even know where i want to live 3 years from now. but somehow that also seemed to fit into his plan. but now in the haze of the week i don't even know. i love it here. i can't imagine leaving. so now i am questioning how much of my loving it and feeling content is from meeting HIM and him being my partner in crime lately. and WHY i still act this way with work guy. i wonder what he and Dam are talking about with Terrance right now.

i love life.

9/9/09

that's pretty cool, right? At 9:09 p.m. on 9/9/09 i was talking to Baz...at 9:09 a.m. I was sitting at my desk, most likely.

got roped in to doing fantasy draft for the boys tonight. free beer and dinner? sold. we had an atty meeting wherein I had to introduce myself -- tres shy and awkward --- its nice to see everyone again...i just wonder how long the new fun-ness will last? Ok, don't be a debbie downer. just trying to watch my lip at this point and not do or say anything stupid. sometimes I feel like I need my hand held. there are a lot of things i prefer to do by myself, but i find at work i am like ok i need someone to be with me, go with me, what are others doing kind of feeling?

tired. moving to Thailand or Peru.

firsts.

there are a lot of firsts in life related to professional development...first day of school, first day of high school, first day of college, first day of law school, first day of bar study...and now the first day of "associate" is nearing to an end. It was quite nice...a nice smooth transition for the most part. It did not feel overwhelming, until just now i stopped to think that maybe the reason I was so cold to B was that I am feeling just a tad overwhelmed...not with workload or anything like that (yet), but just the general life change. It is not a bad feeling...just one that I am trying to savor every minute of because I want to make sure i tread carefully, wisely, and make the right decisions. At a crucial turning point, decisions become vitally important and cannot be made through smoke and mirrors.

I don't mean to overdramatize a particular "day" or "week" or "month" or whatever, and I know that in time it all tends to fade into more of a feeling or a glimpse than a specific, stark memory. But, it is very important for me to feel every minute of it and experience every second of the excitement to the fullest because that is how I love to live my life...It makes me very happy when I feel that way, as opposed to stressing about what might happen a day, week, year from now. Kind of ironic that the beginning of a career such as mine has a strange calming and centering effect on me in many ways.

In other thoughts...is it bad to re-use lines that have been given to me in the past? For example, I remember Lawyer once telling me that he "has trouble letting people into his life"...it stung so horribly at the time, but with the understanding that only comes with age and experience, I have come to realize that it may have stung him more to say it. I feel that way incredibly sometime...and wonder why I can't just include or embrace or let myself go into someone that seems right on so many levels. I can always think of an excuse to avoid it. Some days i feel incredibly welcoming and receptive and open, but then a glance or a word or a silly memory can seem to derail me. Or center me...although sometimes I cannot seem to tell whether I am being centered or derailed.

again, overwhelmed, in a beautiful way.

feeling Thai-sick

that is, I miss Thailand.

Start the big J-O-B tomorrow...what an incredible transition to be going in one door and out another. On the cusp of my career...really just savoring the moment. I am truly excited about starting...nervous...and wondering most of all how my life is about to change. And then wondering if it will really change all that much, at the core. And whether I want it to?

Are my carefree beach days and yoga classes and cooking hours going to stick around? Are they really all that carefree as it is? There is always something to stress about I suppose.

I am beginning to really see what a learning experience school is socially...wondering how that plays out into the workforce. I have spent so much time training! Bring it on!

Its funny, I've been noticing all these "job" or "new career" tips lately... such as...firm handshakes, eye contact, being respectful. All very simple things that I think make a huge difference. Curious to see my office, my secretary, my view, my cases, my co-workers. Hoping I still remember something from law school.

got the suit picked out ;)

go canes!

Miami is beautiful

I don't know if I could ever leave this place. It has the most beautiful clouds and sky, the weather is unbeatable. It is vibrant and chaotic, but set against the calmness and beauty of the sea and palm trees it strikes a perfect balance. And there is nothing like finding sanctuary in your own home. I love my windows :)

I love my outdoor, FREE (thanks, city of Miami, for doing something right) yoga class by the bay. Yesterday this random parrot came out of nowhere and landed on a few people during class. I never could tell whether it was wild or belonged to someone as a pet, but it is the kind of thing that would only happen here.

I rode the mover home and there were 3 European tourists...I was trying to figure out where they were from and watching the mannerisms and excitement was cute. Trying to imagine what they see of this city through their eyes.

7 days.