The last day of 2013!

It has been a really good, crazy, life changing year.  Started my business, developed a client base, moved cities.  Went to Europe and Mexico and St. Augustine and the Keys and Pittsburgh and Vegas twice.  Received a job offer to start a great opportunity in the new year.  Didn't save as much as I would have liked, but didn't go in the hole too bad either which was my goal for the business - stay at least equal.

It's snowing and cold, but beautiful.  We are going to a (new) friend's house tonight for dinner and then the plan is to come home early.  I really can't stand the thought of the bar scene and, besides, we went out last night too for our big harrah.  I am really looking forward to 2014 and achieving some very definable goals.  The main one, somewhat unfortunately, being tied to money and saving a certain amount of it.  Also, I need to get a grip on my negativity which, at times, is almost overwhelming like I can't see the sun that is life despite knowing innately that it is all around, surrounding me.  I'm not sure what the cure for this is -- a lot of it comes from self-doubt, but where does that come from?  Read an interesting book recently (Lean In) which suggests, for women, this is just something that we have and have to deal with.  Men don't have it, and likewise it doesn't hold them back.  I don't know that I would say explicitly it has held me back, but at the same time, where would I be "if I wasn't afraid" as the author asks?  I'm not really sure, but for me I think it is more "where would I be if I didn't let negativity cloud my perspective on everything."  Like, automatically assuming the worst or the bad outcome, using poor language that has negative connotations, just being a nasty gross person sometimes.  I am afraid of what returning to a demanding job might have on this personality issue as well.  I really want to strive to overcome the negativity while channeling the positive to achieve goals and make things happen. I want to publish three articles.  At least three new clients.  Save the money.  Call my Grandma and Grandpa more, call my parents more.  Listen to what people are saying.  Give encouragement and compliments freely.  Use the phone more, instead of texting or emailing.  Send thank you notes whenever possible.

We have a few mandatory-type wedding trips planned, and I know Hubs wants to go to Nepal.  I don't see it happening this year, but maybe.  Otherwise, I'm not sure there is any exotic place I want to go this year… maybe explore the midwest some -- Wisconsin, camping, even get to the Dakotas or Kansas or something.  The US is so full of possibilities, and I love traveling abroad, but really I think I have checked off the immediate places I want to go (except of course, truly exotic locales like the Seychelles and random Vietnamese Islands that are just not a realistic possibility this year with me starting a new job -- and I hate that -- but couldn't afford it otherwise, so hey).

The big looming thing at the end of 2014 is to start thinking about having a baby.  I am still not sure how I feel about this.  Yes, I want a child and yes I am terrified that for some reason I will not be able.  On the other hand, the thought completely freaks me out, everything from the actual pregnancy itself, weight gain, changes to my body (there I said it, selfish), not getting sleep, trying to keep a job, bills, bills, bills, us achieving our personal and financial goals while having an infant, etc.  I know everyone has these same concerns and they all seem to manage. I think the biggest thing for me is control -- needing to have dinner on the table, needing the house to be clean, needing organization and some level of structure while at the same time retaining the ability to be spontaneous.  I'm not sure how a baby, blessing that it is, fits with that.  I guess I have a year or so plus 9 months to figure it out.

So long 2013.  you've been awesome.

New year, new me... again?

It is also "that" time of year, but really, for once I am setting some serious, defined goals.  Not "lose weight" or "be a better person."  I am going to make an actual real, physical, touchable vision board next week.  And I have been spending a lot of time thinking about these goals, particularly with starting a new job in a new city and all of that.  I have been given a "start over" AGAIN, not that I am running or hiding from anything, but that sense of newness and freshness is always good and encouraging.  Trying to remember what it thought I was I wanted when I started this journey -- a lot of it I've got, and a lot of it (that I don't got), I have lost sight of for some reason. 

Does getting married make you boring?  I was reading over some old Christmas-time posts from 2008, just months before I met my dearest.  I was in love with, like, four people.  Too funny.  I feel so much more mentally stable and secure now, yet not at all.  I am 100% sure in our relationship and him, know that is not going anywhere, but I am scared that I could do something incredibly stupid at any moment that would change the direction.  I don't consider myself an extremely volatile person or anything like that and in fact I am quite stable compared with some very dear friends.  But, I guess it just makes you realize how we grow and change without even really knowing it.  I remember that hateful feeling of restlessness and sadness at the holidays without having anyone to call on Christmas, etc.  Now, here I am in the city of my hubby's parents and freaking out about various opinions of his mother and trying to not be overcome with some negativity.  oy oy oy.

That week between Christmas and New Years

is so glorious.  Work slows to a halt, and once you get over that somewhat shocking and unnerving feeling, being able to curl up with a book absolutely all day long is so wonderful. 

This was my first Christmas ever away from my parents.  It flew by sort of easier than I expected but afterword and still a bit I discovered myself in a funk.  The typical "I am a bad person/daughter/wife/friend/lawyer" etc. thoughts are crowding in but also something more weird and dark.  Might be from my MIL proudly proclaiming her atheism at Christmas Eve dinner or even worse the two kiddos aligning with her.  Not that I have anything in particular against atheism and no judgment, but come on it is Christmas Eve -- is this really all just about presents and Santa to you?  As non-religious and whatever-I-am-still-coming-to-grips-with that I am, we always always always read "the real" Christmas story on Christmas Eve (and other secular and non-secular activities).  She just has an opinion about everything, and given that I don't, it becomes somewhat exhausting.

In other news, it was admittedly quite fun and refreshing to watch kids get SO excited about Santa and Christmas.  Hilarious actually.  Loud.  Crazy.  Total Chaos.  Everyone opening presents at once.  Lots of booziness.  Quite different from my typical quiet Christmas Eve, getting up excited in the morning and having sweet rolls by the fire with hot chocolate and biscotti and opening gifts one at a time with Christmas carols in the background.  And that "santa clause style" excitement wanes over the years but it almost seems more special in the peace and quiet.  Setting aside our easy-to-make criticisms of hubby's sister's parenting skills.... no real thank yous or appreciations from the kiddos, and shocked to see hubby's sister and her hubby did not even appear to exchange gifts.  not that it matters, but, maybe it does? 

I've gone for a few great long runs around the neighborhood -- hills are a change -- and today, down to the beach.  It is refreshing and cleansing and key.  Eating everything in sight.  As always, somewhat anxious to get back into a normal routine, but this time it means a REALLY normal routine -- back to the 9-6 lifestyle, starting at 5:45 a.m. to squeeze in the gym.  Sigh.  Such is life.  Trying not to get depressed about it and knowing that I really did make the right decision.

Thinking about our next big trip -- to Nepal -- and wondering how this will fit with possible baby -- and wondering if I care.  I'm sure I would if it didn't fit out perfectly in my control freak mind.
 

Learning Humility

After my little outburst earlier, stemming from someone who essentially told me to shut up and listen and don't challenge him, was rewarded with a nice email saying I was (maybe) right and that I am talented, thanks for being thorough, etc.

Things like this are gratifying, but provide a lesson in humility too.  I am confident in my position, but I respect his and would make it work.  But it was a lesson to me to approach slowly, be respectful, keep my cool, and be reasoned at all times.  I tend to get flustered, fly off the handle, and act like a crazy person.  I have GOT to keep this in check, especially with people that put bread in my basket.  But, I think a sense of respect develops when you can state your position with support and disagree and be right.  (maybe -- we will discuss tomorrow).  Truly, so often with him I am flat out wrong because I missed something very basic like a small word or read the wrong version of a document.  So, it's like, nice to be right, but it makes you think thank God I got this one, how many have I missed that I was so sure and ended up the fool?

ahhhhhhh!

Just had to get out.  Grump-a-roo today.  I hate when people don't just let me do things my way, and instead have to micro-manage everything, assuming that I don't understand an entire concept when I simply asked a basic question to clarify a direction!!!

#firstworldproblems.

Ok, whiny rant over.

And... the warmest it is going to get all day is right now

It is 30 when I wake up, and will be all day.  Yesterday's 50 felt like a warm spring day. An adjustment for sure, but there is something cozy and comforting about it.  I just refuse to let the cold overtake me and keep me down.  I say that now.

As I am nearing the impending doom, er, re-entering the 9-5 world (or 8 to 6 as the case may be), I am, finally, trying to embrace my "free-er" time.  Going out on Tuesday afternoons, for example.  Also, when hubby is out of town I tend toward lonely and stir crazy or simply embracing eating cheese-crisps and watching trash tv or depressing documentaries.

Today I go in to new job to "pick an office" and do some orientation with the person I get the sense (and hope) I will be working the most with.  Game face:  on.  The past week or so another "independent" opportunity has presented itself that, of course, has me second guessing my decision, career, direction, goals.  It is still a contingency but I am tempted to follow it through in order to see if I can make it a reality -- if it is what I am told it is, it would make re-entering the salt mines much less appealing.  On the other hand, I really do need to get out and I am excited to be back in the rat race and experience it all in a new city, new people etc.  just not at the expense of my soul and/or sanity.

Plugging along.

Thanksgiving

There are so many things...where can I start?

My mom is with us here in Chicago... dad refused to come for some unknown reason other than a) hating holiday travel b) not wanting to deal with the cold and c) i suspect wanting to avoid having my mom run him around for a week.

Having my mother around puts some things in life in a very interesting focus.  I am having trouble articulating how, but maybe its that she's so good it makes me want to be better and makes me see a lot of the gross-ness in my own life.  but it also makes me realize many things about me that are wholly me and the result of me being some sort of whack blend between her and my father.

Other thoughts:
Things that are new to me in Chicago:
wiping boots/shoes before walking inside
coat racks
coat checks
needing to add an extra three minutes to my getting ready time just to bundle up
trying to find out where to buy firewood
knowing what kind of wood is good firewood
where to hire a maid.  spanish speaking or polish?
Anyway, things that occur to you at random times.

So, I'm going back to "work."  It charms me how people (and even myself) somehow think I haven't "worked" for the last year when in fact I have probably worked more -- hour wise -- than I ever worked at my old firm.  Weekends, nights. But I have had my freedom to do that and if I want to spend two hours working out and then making lunch and grocery shopping from 10-12 I can do it.  So I'm not complaining. But it's not like I have tons of "free time."  There are so many things on my list, i.e. wedding album, Deidre album, and now Europe album, home decorating, etc. that I have not gotten to from a sheer need to cover expenses and save up for our huge and amazing and budget-blowing Europe trip.  Seriously.  Working by the hour has its plusses and its major downfalls, like even now on Thanksgiving I'm almost tempted to pull out the laptop and bill a few hours.

Anyway, we have completed thanksgiving dinner, it was delicious and rich and all it was supposed to be.  now relaxing by the fire and watching football and tv, wonderful.  Funny now all the holiday sales start tonight -- has always been early Friday morning. Whether they are trying to prevent the early morning mobs or smply capitalizing on consumerism, I am happily planted on the couch where I will remain.

....and now I cry

I just found this old post from right after I met my now-hubby. Brought me the tears I have needed for awhile.

I've met a truly sweet guy. Of course I have my committment issues and what not, but he is incredible and every day amazes me with reminders of how I should be treated. It is becoming strikingly clear how a relationship should work and can work when it is right, as compared to my strings of meaningless dating in the past. I shouldn't say meaningless, I just mean everything with he and I seems to fit really well. Like, we have the same group of friends so there is no awkwardness of wondering whether he will "fit in" with them...he has a good family...we like the same things....he likes to have adventures...he's tall...blue eyes...well-educated and smart...makes me laugh and smile....the opposite of flaky... during the Bar he brought me a beautiful sunflower to the dreary library, made me dinner and brought it to me to eat late at night, always reminds me that he is thinking about me. He was so supportive during the bar, and I most certainly was not a pleasant person so that really impressed me. He's just as great as can be and I honestly believe that he came to me at just the right time. he was exactly what I needed then and there and everything has been good. I was feeling a tad overwhelmed with it right after the Bar because it was like omg I have my life back, now what? But at the same time I wanted to spend every second I could with him before I left for Thailand. And then I got back last week and we have spent a ton of time together and its awesome. Although I do feel like life is coming at me fast right now, its like I trust him enough and he is realiable enough to be there with me through it. He's a strong guy, he remembers the randomest details so i know he actually listens (most of the time...after all he is still a man...)... anyway, I'm gushing, but he's refreshing and I am thrilled. He's so good to me that it makes me just want to be like that with him....I've always felt like I wanted a person to just shower with affection and care and all that but no one ever seemed right to reciprocate it...he does and I have had so much fun showing him how I feel....although I'm not sure what it is yet, I know it is something special and different.

Shocked and saddened

That I have neglected this blog for almost two incredible years. In those two years I have gotten married, been to Thailand, changed jobs, gotten laid off, started my own business, moved to Chicago, went to Europe, turned THIRTY and am anticipating accepting a new job in the next few days. And many other daily amazements that I hope do not go unremembered. Why is it critical life events that make me want to write and/or realize how lacking I have been? I have kept journals of some of my travels and a "daily" diary of a few lines (but even that has suffered in the last months). For goodness sakes my first year of marriage and a move across country? I couldn't write or record my thoughts on that? I guess I have just been so "busy" -- not an excuse. I wish I had even a line or two a day from those moments. Anyway, I do this all the time and feel bad about it but don't ever change. Maybe now. I am famous for starting and not completing projects, blogging is no different. In any case, my future self is "lucky" now because I am majorly jet-lagged from our epic 2013/30th birthday trip to Europe. It is just past 6 a.m. and I went to bed with a sense of peace about my career for the first time in a long time, but woke up shortly past 4 thinking about it. Not so much in a negative way, but definitely with some fear and anticipation. After what happened after my new "big opportunity" last year (got-laid off six weeks after starting what I thought was a "dream job" but actually was a step away from Hades in a few short weeks), I am jaded and afraid. I know that I need to work hard and will probably be freaking out the first few months, but it sickens me that I have to be almost desperate in that sense. Isn't my "normal" level of work adequate? Anyway, I swore I would never work for a woman again, and here we are. She seems cool, H (old boss) like. I can't say anything bad about H, I really can't. She was moody and a bit psychotic, but a good boss. Those long inquisitive stares she would give me and forcing me to sit in front of her while she talked on phone or ate lunch. She could be harsh, but in the end, she was "cool." I could drink with her. We could talk about men. My mistake was letting the secretary get between us. Moving on. So now there is a new one. I hope I like her. I hope I love her. I am trying my darndest to look at her as a brand new person with none of my past judgments. I.e. the nice, sweet, mommy (C) who I thought was going to be the best boss ever but turned into a serpent within days and made H look like a walk in the park. I am cautiously (very) optimistic. I am going to keep my side work as long as I can until I am sure this is going to be a good fit. Oh yeah, and I have to take the bar in February. yay!