one little yes or no

in the wrong direction is all it takes for the pain to come back. That piercing *been lied to* pain that shows up in your stomach and sreads to your chest and makes your limbs feel week. It spread over me slowly and is still coming...it took a minute to set in, ten to make me angry, and now twenty to make me sad and scared.

we are so close and I truly think this is the first time I have ever caught a "little white lie" that wasn't so white. We all tell lies to protect each other to some degree, but there are some lies about certain things, no matter how silly or trivial, that to me are completely unacceptable. Not unforgivable - i love him too much- but it requires me to step away from the situation and collect what it means for me and how figure out i can convey the hurt that it causes. we were supposed to work on our vows today.

i want to throw up. God its the worst feeling... it is not that sharp biting pain of years past, duller, but deeper.

I don't want to overreact, but i also don't want to overlook. i need a good girlfriend right now.

I'm not even angry. just really really upset and shocked and, frankly, appalled.

sigh.

my nuptials

are getting so close...I have so much joy and feel so incredibly blessed and happy to be getting to experience every new thing that I do each day. I'm sure three, four years ago I could never have imagined all the blessings that come each day...hearing about friends and family receiving their invitations, finding out who is coming, looking forward to the shower and bachelorette parties, and getting to marry this incredible man that has brought me so much happiness at at the end of it is the icing on the cake.

Speaking of which, we are in the midst of "cake tasting" which is totally awesome...as I guess I always imagined. I don't know what I really ever thought about my wedding, but I doubt I ever dreamed that I would find a man who was into it too. I also never thought I would be into it...but it is so totally the kind of thing you only get to experience once, like graduation or your first kiss that you just have to breathe in every single second of it to the fullest.

I just spent a weekend away at a conference and made an interesting contact for a possible future position. We shall see. Right now my focus is on getting to Australia (or anywhere else) with my baby....also thinking about getting my Pilates certification...because I haven't spent enough money on my education yet....right...