let us not forget

I am going to the Hamptons on Saturday to see DJ. There is so much I want to explore and learn about him and just relax and have an amazing time. I just dont want my ridiculous emotions and freak-outedness and anxiety to get in the way of me realizing and seizing every second of what is going to happen and the wonderful experience that it is.

In the year after....

the troubled man

so...DJ and I had this conversation about dating people with "troubles"...he asked if I was still in that stage of life where I liked that...my response was that EVERYONE has their troubles...some more than others maybe...but that is what makes a person.

I look back on my past, and Lawyer was probably the first guy that I dated that had troubles and ADMITTED he was somewhat troubled. I don't mean troubled in a bad way or good way, just had issues with his life, the way he was brought up, where he was at, where he was going. To me, these are not troubles because I deal with these issues every day. We ALL have issues. It is unfair for a person to say they are a "troubled" one...although I think these artists types tend to milk that label for everything it is worth.

I wish i could sell everything I own and write a book about the experience...maybe in a few years I will. Yet, I do not feel the need to label myself as a "troubled" individual, outside of this blog.

Which raises the question...I obviously consider myself "troubled" on some level...but not the level I project to others (that I know personally).

but it is all a matter of comparison too....my basis for "troublesome" range from Lawyer who gave up the "dream" legal career and moved to South America (love it) to DJ who has parental issues to Roomie and her suicidal brother. My troubles stem from only-childism and forced religion...neither of which i consider to be particularly tough. seriously.

This whole sprained wrist thing BLOWS...but every day i am so thankful because it could be so much worse.

on another note...as Rebs says...I've reached the point with people that i know and law school experiences in general that I find myself just saying completely outlandish things just to get a response. many times i don't even care what the response is but i just want one. i just want to hear the response to i can analyze it and think wtf, did that person really just respond that way OR hmmm what can i say now to get another reaction, and what will that reaction be....

Haitian Mangoes

I just had one for breakfast, and was transported back to the beach in Montezuma, where Michi tought us how to eat the juciest mango in the world with our hands and mouth. What a beautiful time in all of our lives, and I am so so so thankful for that wonderful trip. We were all at our wits end with men and came together to make each other stronger. Since we have been back, I know Rebs has met a guy and is taking it by the reigns, and I am very happy where I"m at with guys (guy:DJ) too. I feel like I am finally strong enough again to be wise about it, but still give way to my feelings. I know that I am in a place where my life is about to change incredibly, and I am cherishing and trying to grasp the significance of every single moment.

I still cannot believe I am done with law school. Like, I have a law degree. Strange. Well I still have one exam and graduation, but the reality of it is really astounding and exciting. I don't get people that hate law school or are unhappy with their choice -- look at what you are getting! It is something to be so thankful for and proud of. I can't wait (well, I can) for graduation...to see all my family and be around loved ones. We are doing a beach barbeque and there is a reception at school for families.

Then, the Bar...dun dun dun dun....ahhhh!!!

Last day of law school...

no way!!!! Craziness...I feel so restless...but in a good way....next weekend I am going to NY to see DJ...weee....I have a trip booked tomorrow to Portland, but I am 85% cancelling it...I like traveling alone and all but I really shouldn't spend all the money and my wrist is sprained and that's kind of a pain to deal with while traveling. Staying in a hostel while trying to keep infection at bay is not cool. Will have time to travel later...go in style next time. I dunno, all these justifications but I just kind of don't feel like going any more.

Yesterday I drove up to Ft. Lauderdale to meet up with this guy I met in Costa Rica. he lives north a little bit but was down for work. We had beers on the water up there... very pretty and a new place to explore. It is so fun meeting people and having little random adventures like that. I put on my Ipod, was on the phone with DJ while going to meet Costa guy...something about it feels wrong yet that is the beauty of being young and single I suppose. I am so excited for NY trip... he lives up in the Hamptons so I am actually kind of excited to not be in the city but see a different part of the area.

it is amazing everything that has happened and changed over the past three years. life has been so good, and I've gotten to experience so much of it. All while living in paradise. Law school was definitely the right choice for me, let's just hope the career turns out to be as well!

first day of my last week of law school

i can't believe it. i basically began blogging on the old site when i was going through the admissions process, and now my last class will be on Thursday. Graduation is still a month away, but as I only have one exam I am pretty much done being a student. the hardest thing to believe is that my formal education is over. ahhhhh!

i fell off my bike Saturday, majorly spraining my wrist. Choco drove by immediately after it happened which was just funny, and then i spent 4 hours at the ER hoping I'd get a hot doctor. I'm very thankful it wasnt broken, and it feels worlds better than it did two days ago.

Yesterday we went to Jimbo's Birthday, this 82 year old guy who lives out on some city property by the water and has huge bashes every year, kind of a hidden Miami gem. It was a good time, and then we went to eat at Joe' Tiki Bar where I had gone with the evil one last year on the exact same day....kind of funny how life is so cyclical sometimes. End up being the same places the same time of year (Monty's in the fall, for example, then dates on the beach and then the holidays and starting all over...) I wonder if that kind of feeling continues post formal education?

My friend Jess came along, I basically watch everything that happens to her during the year and see myself at a similar place next year; we have a lot in common and have similar lifestyles *and yet not so similar* but she's doing the career thing and the boyfriend thing and just trying to figure it all out, and I look up to her in a lot of ways. She's very smart but she always has fun, never uptight but a good girl nonetheless. i just see my life of work work work ahead of me and the sort of dejectedness or jadedness or reality of it all that is currently setting in with her...

its such a bummer being injured, i need to do a ton of stuff around the house but i don't want to exert my hand. so i guess it is kind of a blessing in disguise and i should jsut enjoy the downtime because it is so hard for me to just relax sometimes and force myself to sit and read or watch tv. but i like that about myself too, you know? i mean at least i fell off my bike and didnt have another stupid drunk accident haha. but showering is a hassle so i'm avoiding going for a run as we speak.

i booked a flight to portland this weekend...never been there and just want to take advantage of this time that i have off to explore. however i don't actually FEEL like getting away at this immediate moment but at the same time i know i will go apeshit sitting around the apartment. as evidenced by the boredom i am feeling right now. well i guess that answers my question about whether i really want to go through with it.

thinking of going to NY the next weekend to see the DJ. update on that after i talk to him today.

samba pa' ti

as Michelle's father said: the best love song ever.

this sounds completely WHACK-O, out of left field, crack-smoking crazy. but awhile ago, on a flight, i had this wierd VISION thing of work guy. like i just saw him in my life for a really long time. weaving in and out, this constant force. WIERD, i KNOW!!! so today roomie and i were on our way home from going out on the beach last night, and i get a call from work peeps to have lunch. i at first declined because we had just bought a pizza, then i realized i wanted to go and particularly see HIM. i panicked over my outfit, my face, my hair, my smell and rolled over to the restaurant. as soon as i saw him it was like ok wow you are still the same. i still feel the same. i instantly was drawn to him as if no one else was there. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY do you have to work at my firm? but maybe that is all part of the attraction, i don't know. i mean i tend to get a little boy crazy pretty often, but this one is different. i KNOW it. something is there and festering and this was fuel to the friggin fire.

i know the first time i saw him, i thought oh boy he works at my firm, this is disaster. and i still feel the same. i just do not ever want it to end in disaster so i have been very careful with it, and i will continue to be. i just want to take all the right steps with him. i am torn between spilling that to him or just letting it ride. heaven forbid he find someone else. i would be absolutely crushed. i'll never forget when he was like, you know, we are going to be going to Christmas parties for years to come when we are both married and have families and we have to deal with this. but i want HIM to be my family. that's crazy.

emotions are so amazing, i can be so all over the board sometimes. but the spice of life is amazing and i love every minute of it.

i get more and more respect for Lawyer all the time, because he truly seized on the passion of life. i can't believe the point at life in which we met, we could not have been further from the same. and now i can see what he was doing.

we played footsie under the table and i texted him across the table to tell him i liked his cute checkered flannel-ish shirt. and his glasses. and his broken thumb. and the way he ordered a salad instead of fries. and ate the entire sandwich. and didn't touch his water. and did not want to go back to work. i wanted to tell him to come home with me and get in my bed and sleep. sleep.

give me a break, let me make my own pattern. all that it takes is some time but i'm shattered.

no, like i REALLY like you, we used to say to eachother over beers and Terrance in the back yard. his pacing. like i REALLY like you, and i'm scared of what that means for everything. what an amazing time of my life. he's going to this same party as me on Sunday, so we will see how that goes. i just hope i can keep my head on straight.

heading toward the black hole

of Bar Study...
40 days I was informed today. It is really just hitting me that I am graduating from law school next month. like i am done with school. when i started, 7 years seemed like FOREVER, but now i just can't believe it is done. and I am about to be a lawyer. wow. wtf. the last three years have been so amazing...sigh..

went to a law school alumni function tonight...mah...free wine and food... i probably should make a concerted effort to "network" at these things...but i AM shy believe it or not and just generally don't know what to say to people. talked to one guy who interviewed me second year for a high-powered firm. that was awkward. he was telling me what he does...boooorrrrring. i'm like, do you like that? he's like, yeah its challenging and we're busy. that translates to i don't know what the fuck is going on and i work a lot of hours. can't wait.

so that side of me is like get off your ass, go out every night, enjoy your freedom and your life. and then the fat, lazy, poor, dedicated student side of me wants to sleep...

boop a doop

hanging out today, as my last six weeks of freedom dwindles before my very eyes. i have a nice two week stretch at the end of classes before exams, for which i am searching for ideas to fill my time. i thought of going abroad or to Panama with this guy that I met in Costa Rica...but nothing was feeling quite right. Then it occured to me that I've never been to Portland...I kind of want to go out there, drive around the mountains and coast, take yoga, hike, camp, etc. Looks like it would be a solo trip, maybe Dust coming up for a few days. I asked DJ about it but he dismissed it...but i am ok with it being solo. I think it will really help me clear my head before studying for the bar and I am just in the mood for a random adventure....i don't want to deal with a language barrier, it would be relatively cheap, its beautiful, there've gotta be chill people out there, and i'm sure the food/drink is amazing. I mean who takes off to Oregon for a week by herself? IS that strange? I really enjoyed traveling in Europe alone but this is a longer time...and camping? Alone? really? kind of wierd. I guess once I get past that thought I will go through with it.

i'm going to take this moment

of complete satisfaction with my weekend fling to reflect on the nature of chemistry. its really just so fascinating how i can troll around the city weeks at a time and never feel anything special and then meet some guy at a party for 40 hours and during that time feel this incredibly strong chemistry. now that he's gone it is obviously a different thing, but i am still on the high of that and think about him on and off throughout my day.

i am definitely a "fling" type of person -- i've had more than I can count...but it always amazes me that I can feel that way...and that's what makes me so happy. Even though a fling is often times not "real," it gives me faith in the institution of love. Ok, it ends too, and that crushing feeling reminds me that there is a down to the up. but whatever, one can't live life in fear of the downs. listen to me, i sound ridiculous!

ha, so while i have many "flings," this one is as intense and powerful as the one with A, back five years ago, almost to the day. It was so strong and intense and beautiful and it left me in a puddle of absolute surrender and vulnerability and hopelessness and obsession towards the end.

The difference? I was 20 then. Now, I am the first to admit I am not going into this eyes wide open, but I have been there and done it before so I am more apt to take it for what it is, ride the train, and hope and pray I know when to get off. I really do believe in things like this, and that the feelings are genuine; it is every day life that gets in the way. I have no doubt that traveling the world on a shoe string budget and hoping for the best is a much easier way to cultivate a relationship that "I have my life here, you have your life there, but we do have incredible feelings for eachother"

So much of me so frequently wants to dive into a life like that...hit the open road with no plan and no money and no ties. but so much of what i love about my world is my plan and my ties...the money...well it comes from my plan and my ties so it is what it is.

but whatever, i just am expressing all this positive emotion that feels so good. not that i have been down, but when you are on such a high it is like oh, i forgot how it feels to LIVE sometimes. like taking every single breath and every single second and just rolling with it.

of course that fear in my chest of May 18 (bar classes start) and the rest of the summer (not bad compared to my corporate life as of September) are impending and likely a catalyst for my feeling of freedom; the contrast of the two times in my life will no doubt be black and white. but i love every second. i feel creative and inspired and beautiful and healthy. I felt that way before he came along but this has magnified it x 100. and not that i give HIM the credit, but i give the feeling that developed between he and i, and that is largely the feeling that oh, yes, i am still human...and that is just what i needed.

when i have told the story to a few friends, i realize how ridiculous it probably sounds, and maybe it is. but it is incredible and beautiful how two people can share something that seems so utterly absurd to everyone else.

maybe its the season. Spring was practically MADE for flings...and i seem to have fallen victim in many a springtime hour. but as i said earlier, every year brings more and more satisfaction in knowing and understanding myself and being in control of my destiny.

that being said, i've been thinking a lot lately about things happening for a reason, right place right time, and purpose in the small things of life.

it blame the Costa Rica trip...it just flowed so smoothly and we seized every single second of every single day...not even wasting time to shower or complain...when time to turn of the world, the ipod came on and time to turn it on meant another round of pilsner. i've taken a lot of amazing trips in my short life, but this one was hands down top five. amazing how a dynamic can entirely make a trip. side tracked...but coming back from that trip and diving into last weekend was absolutely perfect.

anyway, i am convinced more than ever that every single thing happens for a reason; if we do not see it or understand, then it must being happening for someone else's reason. i can look back over my life and see how things haven't gone my way but i would have missed other more amazing opportunities. and every single thing that has come my way has brought me right here. a great spot!