one little yes or no

in the wrong direction is all it takes for the pain to come back. That piercing *been lied to* pain that shows up in your stomach and sreads to your chest and makes your limbs feel week. It spread over me slowly and is still coming...it took a minute to set in, ten to make me angry, and now twenty to make me sad and scared.

we are so close and I truly think this is the first time I have ever caught a "little white lie" that wasn't so white. We all tell lies to protect each other to some degree, but there are some lies about certain things, no matter how silly or trivial, that to me are completely unacceptable. Not unforgivable - i love him too much- but it requires me to step away from the situation and collect what it means for me and how figure out i can convey the hurt that it causes. we were supposed to work on our vows today.

i want to throw up. God its the worst feeling... it is not that sharp biting pain of years past, duller, but deeper.

I don't want to overreact, but i also don't want to overlook. i need a good girlfriend right now.

I'm not even angry. just really really upset and shocked and, frankly, appalled.

sigh.

my nuptials

are getting so close...I have so much joy and feel so incredibly blessed and happy to be getting to experience every new thing that I do each day. I'm sure three, four years ago I could never have imagined all the blessings that come each day...hearing about friends and family receiving their invitations, finding out who is coming, looking forward to the shower and bachelorette parties, and getting to marry this incredible man that has brought me so much happiness at at the end of it is the icing on the cake.

Speaking of which, we are in the midst of "cake tasting" which is totally awesome...as I guess I always imagined. I don't know what I really ever thought about my wedding, but I doubt I ever dreamed that I would find a man who was into it too. I also never thought I would be into it...but it is so totally the kind of thing you only get to experience once, like graduation or your first kiss that you just have to breathe in every single second of it to the fullest.

I just spent a weekend away at a conference and made an interesting contact for a possible future position. We shall see. Right now my focus is on getting to Australia (or anywhere else) with my baby....also thinking about getting my Pilates certification...because I haven't spent enough money on my education yet....right...

free wine and free perspective

I have to love how I am, without fail, enticed to these "free" networking events that include wine and gross appetizers. I always get a kick out of how insanely awkward they are...head quickly to the bar, and then realize this is not the kind of place one can get f*ed up in. Then, I leave with a mild to moderate buzz and walk home with the same number of business cards I entered with. Tonight I was particularly thankful that I am not single, given the level of sleeze and disgusting testosterone types walking around in there. Like just sweaty gross slime balls with nothing better to talk about than their "big firm" job and all the great benefits of working 80 hour weeks. Ewww. I love my babe so much.

One guy was like totally the guy I would have gone for if I was single. handsome, in a rugged way, tall, etc. However, he grossed me out as soon as he opened his mouth. Like all he could talk about was who he knew and what he knew. Anyway maybe I am being selfish, but sorry, I don't care about YOU, guy.

any who...work is back to a sense of normalcy after nightmare trial of the decade (and hopefully my life) ended. We are to hear about Australia soon, which I avoid even thinking about to minimize the crush if it does not work out, so I will not dwell.

We have been finalizing our awesome wedding invitations... i hope everyone thinks they are as adorable as we do, but ultimately, I am glad that I have a man that will sit and fill 10 oz bottles with sand and paper umbrellas with me for 5 hours.

xoxoxoxoxo

looking back and looking forward

The past year has flown by and no doubt the next one will too. The next one is full of big changes for me- primarily getting married and *hopefully* looking at a move abroad with my new husband. I am jumping in arms and eyes wide open and am thrilled to see what the year holds. In the meantime, I want to reminisce a bit on the one just concluded.

Chili cook off 2011 was a good time as always. Got the ball rolling on wedding plans... spent a couple of weekends down in the keys checking out venues, trying food, meeting with the photographer, and even spending Valentine's night in the hotel next door to our spot. .Went to Vegas for Baz's birthday..saw my girls and had some wild times... champagne by the pool, fab hotel, gambling and actually winning, 7 dollar water, visits to the old hood with Alex, Went back down to the Keys for Memorial day for a great boating day with friends followed by an endless night....Mom came to visit in June and we picked out my wedding dress -- definitely a highlight of the year. Went to the beach less and less and worked more and more...fall brought a couple of big cases and the months simply slipped away...Rascall Flatlts concert in August was a great time with friends, as was camping in late December. Thanksgiving was spent in my hometown with my soon-to-be in laws and my parents -- actually a fabulous time. Dust came to visit in October with his mom, and then I went to Seattle for my first "work" conference -- what fun. My life seems to be defined and remembered by trips, but I know there is so much more in between that happens every day that I just can't remember. Fell more in love with my honey each day and closer to our big moment and our lives together. Was rejected from my scholarship app/ticket to Australia. Got to know KF a lot better and found a good and crazy fun friend and mentor. Picked out bridesmaids dresses that I hope my girls love. Spent a weekend in April having a mini bachelorette with two friends from grade school -- what a special experience. Haven't been to SF in way too long -- need to get out there. Went to Alaska with my mom and dad in August -- went on a dog sled ride, tried amazing small-brewery beer, got some cool jewelry and native type stuff, relaxed and enjoyed my parents. Fourth of July was low key this year -- I think we went on the boat with BBQ or something. Oh yeah, bought a condo! that was kind of a big deal, closed in June. Dealt with months of remodeling and a temporary roommate due to displacing our 'tenant.' We came through that stronger and with a new opinion about following city and condo rules. Went to Saturday morning classes at LA Fitness with KF and had great memories of that and meeting new friends. started doing pilates quite regularly in August after developing consistent knee pain. Knee has been better but I have found a new love. Maybe thinking about certification in 2012. Took Honey to visit my grandparents in July and had fun at Kennywood and hanging out with my uncles.

It has been a fabulous year. Here's to many more.

Happy 2012

What a fabulous party last night.... really a great time with good food, good drinks, and awesome friends followed by drunken attempts at karaoke. New Years is always hit or miss it seems...this one was a total hit...that is until about 3 a.m. when I had random freak out. I won't go in to the details about what happened because I think, looking back, that I over-reacted to something that I had the right to be upset about. I just didn't handle it well. Instead, I stormed out of the party and tried to get a cab. That was nearly impossible so after walking (barefoot by now) probably close to a mile I randomly started talking to another girl that looked to be in the same sort of predicament and we rode home together as we live in same neighborhood. She told me that her boyfriend got shot in the head last week and all kinds of other random wierd-ness that she is involved in, drugs, sketchy car rental businesses, etc. Very interesting and kind of a random fun that I had not had in awhile. There is something about hearing vents from total strangers and venting to them that is very cathartic. she was really dumping it out. Upon getting back home I realized that (after doing full purse dump at the party) I had lost my car and house keys. Awesome. After unsuccessfully trying to break my lock (stupid, I know) I called the front desk who I never dreamed would let me in, but they did and were super nice about it. So even with the drama it was just a typical funny New Years where something whack-o always happens. Fortunately my keys are at lost and found - big relief. Was beating self up over that one all day. I woke up, ordered pizza, and laid on the couch all day with my hunny. Overall great day.

Yesterday was super fun too -- we decided to get each other outfits for new years and spent all day trolling the mall...he got me full dress, jacket, earrings, shoes, bra, all of it. Too cute. I got him dolled up in a new shirt and tie. Not gonna lie...we looked hot. He is just all around my bestie -- like who shops with their girlfriend for six hours for some crazy outfit for one night? And we just joked around and played the whole time. Another perspective-giver as to why my random freak-out last night was not necessary. Me and hard alcohol really should just stay away from each other for everyone's sake. But a girl does need a good stiff drink and some craziness once in a while.

Tomorrow is technically a holiday but basically on call for trial stuff so we shall see how much of a day off it is. Keeping fingers crossed for another one like today :)

life in moments

it is truly in moments. looking back over months and weeks and years life is but a blur of memories woven in to one's history. Like today, a peaceful quiet Christmas morning, and my last as a single girl. Probably my last with just me and my mom and dad, in the way it has been my entire life. Our quiet little beautiful family. My mom in the kitchen all day long with a full turkey dinner and all the fixings...dad and I fighting over the remote...phone calls from scattered family and friends..all against an amazing white snow blanket background. The click of the pellet stove. The bunny rabbit living under the porch. Laps of the property on cross-country skis followed by a dip in the hot-tub with a mid-day glass of wine. naps. How I miss taking naps during the day.

so fabulous to be away from work. It took me a good two days to stop thinking about it and having nightmares. The past few weeks of trial have given me a glimpse in to how many of my lawyer friends' lives are constantly -- the 24/7 email checking, working weekends, and being on call every minute. It makes me eternally grateful of the "normal" days at my firm when we are not in a high-high-high exposure 6 week trial. Over all it is a fabulous place to work and I am ever appreciative of the conditions after this experience. That being said...should this become a full-time year round type of lifestyle in my work, I simply could not do it. It is not living. Talk about moments -- the ones that stand out are resisting to the ends of the earth working on a Saturday, and then being patronized about it. Being asked to deliver Motrin to the courthouse and make various other bizarre trips over there at least twice a day. High points include learning the ins and outs of trial, lunching with the trial lawyers on the case, and the sense of camaraderie. However, at the end of the day, no one really seems to care about LIFE while they are in trial. For me, enjoying life is all-encompassing and it is exceedingly difficult for me to black it out and focus on trial. Maybe that is my deficiency and weakness as a lawyer, but that is something I do not want to lose touch with. This trial has revealed the true colors of various partners, and made it starkingly clear to me that I do not want to become like them. I fear I only have a few years to figure something out to avoid becoming them. I don't want to wake up with the big house in ten years and hate my life. I want to wake up next to my honey on a cot in Bangkok or Katmandu with nothing but our backpacks on our backs. If we have a baby with us, so what? and more power to us.

I have my lover

looking back on my many faceted, fun, and tumultuous train of "lovers" in the past -- i can wholeheartedly and beautiful declare that i have the "one." There were so many magical and fulfilling and unfullfilling experiences in my a past -- and I can't deny that the crazed days of my younger years entirely make who I am now. But the beauty of this one man who is so completely there is so rewarding and so beyond any of those experiences that ultimately had a come-down akin to the worst chemical explorations. The anxiety is gone, the constant wondering, the worry, the need to please, to be something that I was not, to be available, to be at the ready should he change his mind...it all just fades in to the past and here is this incredible person that is so self-less and just so downright nice. I can only hope that I should ever come near to being the person that he deserves. I can do my best -- and for me many times "being the best person" is tied to extrinsic and measureable acts...gifts, let me do this for you and point it out...i want to just love him purely and simply and be so unconditional as I have received in return.

I am so happy and looking forward with such joy to April - to "make this man my family."

xoxoxo