moments of crisis

seeing as how i only tend to update this thing during them, i probably come off as a complete nut job if anyone out there in the universe still reads this.

In any event, I'm feeling an awfully lot unlike myself lately; for the first time in a long time I don't have a constant sense of satisfaction and overall cheeriness. I'm feeling melancholy and scattered and basically just all over the board between bitchy and controlling and selfish to scared and trapped and stagnant.

I would like to attribute a lot of it to my taking a second bar exam in a few weeks. I am hoping that this will all largely pass at that point. This is the first time that I feel my bf and I may be hitting a bit of a rough patch -- mostly defined by me freaking out about the kind of stuff that I used to judge other girls for freaking out about in relationships: not calling when supposed to, being around other girls, or painting the town red with his buddies or not spending enough time, in general, with me. All incidences that are likely related to me feeling obligated to study much of the time while he has free time...I feel him pulling to go out drinking while I have to stay in Friday night. And then I question his drinking and going out and whether it is something that is going to cause a problem for me irrespective of the bar. and then I think of what a judgemental awful person I am for even thinking that way. he is a fun loving kid, and that is one of the things i love most about him. I guess it is just so hard and unfair-feeling for me to have to just watch it. I end up feeling like a nasty controlling girlfriend who won't let him have any fun or something.

it's pretty awful. I mean i guess if that is the extent of my problem it is really not that awful and it will pass. I'm just feeling very emotional...crying for no obvious reason and needing a lot of attention. pretty gross actually, I disgust myself. i think I need to pull back a little bit and just focus on me for the next few weeks and this test.

in any event I guess the bright side is I am recognizing my neurosis...which in fact might make it worse...i feel like i am just being out of line and crazy, but then i make myself feel guilty about it and i wonder if i should just feel it out and do the thing you know?

i'm just saying, don't say to me...glad you came over, wish i could have seen you more....after you spent the last hour playing beer pong. I mean really? irritating.

love

I'm 100% bitten by the bug. He went home with me for Thanksgiving -- I was more apprehensive about spending 5 straight days toghether...something we have never done...than him meeting my family. Of course he was wonderful with them in and fit in like he was made for us.

I have gotten over my anxiety about being in a relationship generally, and have decided to just dive right in. He's become my best friend and it is crazy to think how someone you didn't even know 6 months ago can affect you so much such that you cannot imagine life without them.

I am going to meet his family for New Year's in Seattle, about which I am very excited. I'm excited about this ride that I'm on...he brings me so much joy and is so good to me. It makes me look back on relationships past and just marvel at the way I was treated. I never put up with more than I should have, but there are certain individuals in my past that I let have way too much control for way too long. It is so gratifying to have broken free from those attachments now. The main one that comes to mind is A. The time I spent pining over such a broken and impossible relationship is just hilarious at this point. I can't even bitter...I'm just amazed and awed at how far I have come, and how an amazing person like B can heal so much baggage.

love him.

more firsts

tomorrow is my first hearing :) I have to admit it is a tad anti climatic, as two previous ones have been cancelled. But I am excited nonetheless, although I am not arguing anything, just appearing.

went to see my grandparents outside Pittsburgh over the weekend -- they are so awesome. what an example of true love. makes me do a lot of exploring and self-questioning as to the pureness of my heart and motives.

antsy. i want to go around the world. getting that stagnant, routine feeling. Thank God the holidays are coming up.

The bf is heading home with me, and I will be going with him for new years. I would be lying if I said I could put a finger on the way I feel about it. I am so excited in so many ways, but part of me does not want this to be the end-all. And I know that it may or may not be, and I have no idea, but it is a scary thought to think or feel that is possible. i don't know why I can't just be a normal person and not be apprehensive about having met a wonderful guy, and where we are going together.

let me put on my analysis hat. yuck. why do i keep wanting to run away from this stuff? Yet he makes me so happy and fills up so much of my life. I think I am just still tempted with the single world, that is not really as glamorous as my grass-is-greener self makes it. In fact, I know this yet continue to torture myself. Like, what am I going to do right now anyway? learning to take one day at a time is truly a learning process.

a book i read recently made me stop and consider how much time I spend in the past, present, and future....clearly spending waaaayyyyy to much in the future. making a concerted effort to live every moment right now.

That damn single itch

itches me sometimes. But he is still there by my side. I feel like "we" are in synch, but I am out of synch. Not sure where I am, where I am going.

"23. wow. ok when did THAT happen? Somewhere between high school and college and boys and parties and traveling and law school and moving i've turned 23. it's craaaaaazy!"....from the blog I kept at age 23. I feel the same now. craaaaaaazy! Excuse all the birthday reflection and drama, but it truly is wild to see the numbers on a page.

I just thought about the 21 - year old mix interview yesterday. wow.

Reading over these old posts...yup...first year I have not been plastered on my birthday since probably 21 :) ahhhh but what great years!

another year

older means another year wiser, they say, right? At least on paper I feel I got it this year. Every day is a lesson, that is for sure.

Twenty-five was a good one....graduating law school, passing the bar and going to Thailand are definitely the highlights. NOt to mention Vancouver and some fun road trips (with A and D) and SF trips with Dust. Feeling like I am truly a woman now, an adult, a young adult. A professional. Really a great time in my life, I am happy where I am and exactly where I want and need to be right now. I am starting to feel the snowball effect of life, like it is just coming really fast, but I feel empowered to handle it minus the occassional freak out. I am starting to fear the rut, the easy road, and the possibility that I will get sucked into it. I always want to have an adventure on the horizon. I fear that I will lose the desire to have the adventure more than that I will actually fail to have adventures. I guess one is a catapult into the other.

Life is really good though and I am so thankful for so many things. Every day is something new and another beautiful suprise. Obviously, birthdays are full of them :), but they make you realize how loved you are and that even at the end of the day someone actually cares enough to write you a card. Even if it is mom.

I wonder where I thought I would be as I ended 25 and began 26, when I was 16...or 21...Probably thought I was going to be a hot shot executive with a corner office and adorable suits and a rich boyfriend and a red convertible and the social climber lifestyle. I can say I have the suits, and I have a great boyfriend no matter how rich he is or isn't, and the other stuff seems less important somehow. My office keeps bread in my basket so that is all that matters, and the car will come soon enough.

Well for that thought, I imagine by 31 (5 years) I will be with the man I want to spend my life with....probably close to marriage if not already. BTW it is so crazy to think I could be maried in five years. Be pretty satisfied with my career, set so that I can have a baby within a few. Will have lived abroad for at least a year. Will have tried a case. Will have had a heartbeak. Will hopefully have that little convertible, or at least had it for a temporary time. Will have passed at least 2 other bars. Traveled extensively in South America. Life changing honeymon. Still in Miami? I think so.

This makes me wish I had bought this neat "5 year plan book" when I was at a rummage sale with Dust. I was too scared to. As much as I would like to think I am not a planner, I am. Thank God for Amazon.com.

By 36...hopefully married and if not, probably FREAAAAKING out about it, haha. Baby or toddler....yeah. Fun to think I will hopefully be a mommy in the next ten years. Fun to think I will eventually be that selfless. Career...hopefully baby is taking over that part of my life for the time being. Transiberian railway...check. Africa...check. Patagona...check. Still in Miami....maybe not. Although the thought breaks my heart. Temporary residence in Miami...hopefully.

It is so fun to dream about the future....here's hoping they all come true as they already have :) And I have to say, I'm not sure what happened between 22 and 26....wow....time FLIES.

dependency

it is amazing how quickly a person can come into your life and completely change it. For better or worse, we become dependent so quickly.

Our relationship recently hit a transition point... we had a few fights, a few moments of disrespect, and a few moments of oh, crap, I need this person. I won't go into the details but one of them involves something he said about me, to my boss, that was completey disrespectful. Now, that being said, in my heart I kind of don't think he actually said it, but instead that my boss or his girlfriend who heard it misinterpreted. BUT, he also said something to me right before that makes me think he WAS capable of saying what he said. I mean it really disguts me what he said, and the fact that he said it to my boss is humiliating. but we all make mistakes...but it was just shocking to me because he has never acted in the least bit disrespectful to me.

so that is what makes me think we are reaching that "comfort" zone where he is getting a little lippier, a little drunker around me, etc. which is what i HATE about relationships. i love the first few months of deceit, i guess. which maybe has been my problem in the past, like i can't get past the point where you have to just accept someone for who they are, faults and all. of course there is a fine line when respect issues are on the line and stuff...and for that reason, my radar is out and finely tuned right now... i don't want to get fooled the way i did with the Virus.

and beyond that, the other thing i hate about relationships is feeling like i am losing my independence. no matter how much you think you are independent and don't need anyone, a relationship makes you realize how much more pleasant and easy life is when you have someone to count on.

it is all a love-hate thing for me, constantly.

beyond that, work is good. i'm starting to settle in, but i still feel sooooo lost. but i thank God every day for my ocean view :)

the devil wore black sweats

And a pink top that got her all over thailand. This time two months ago I was well on my way.

i fucking hate emotions. I hate how i feel right now...torn up, exhausted, no end in sight. just all over the board, shocker. waiting for my own boyfriend to get his shit together. digesting the problems that are starting to come out. and just trying to deal with it and knowing that no one is perfect, mostly me. i mean i am completely blameful in this situation but i still want to angst at him.

tryyyyyying to be strong. what do words really mean anyway?