life in moments

it is truly in moments. looking back over months and weeks and years life is but a blur of memories woven in to one's history. Like today, a peaceful quiet Christmas morning, and my last as a single girl. Probably my last with just me and my mom and dad, in the way it has been my entire life. Our quiet little beautiful family. My mom in the kitchen all day long with a full turkey dinner and all the fixings...dad and I fighting over the remote...phone calls from scattered family and friends..all against an amazing white snow blanket background. The click of the pellet stove. The bunny rabbit living under the porch. Laps of the property on cross-country skis followed by a dip in the hot-tub with a mid-day glass of wine. naps. How I miss taking naps during the day.

so fabulous to be away from work. It took me a good two days to stop thinking about it and having nightmares. The past few weeks of trial have given me a glimpse in to how many of my lawyer friends' lives are constantly -- the 24/7 email checking, working weekends, and being on call every minute. It makes me eternally grateful of the "normal" days at my firm when we are not in a high-high-high exposure 6 week trial. Over all it is a fabulous place to work and I am ever appreciative of the conditions after this experience. That being said...should this become a full-time year round type of lifestyle in my work, I simply could not do it. It is not living. Talk about moments -- the ones that stand out are resisting to the ends of the earth working on a Saturday, and then being patronized about it. Being asked to deliver Motrin to the courthouse and make various other bizarre trips over there at least twice a day. High points include learning the ins and outs of trial, lunching with the trial lawyers on the case, and the sense of camaraderie. However, at the end of the day, no one really seems to care about LIFE while they are in trial. For me, enjoying life is all-encompassing and it is exceedingly difficult for me to black it out and focus on trial. Maybe that is my deficiency and weakness as a lawyer, but that is something I do not want to lose touch with. This trial has revealed the true colors of various partners, and made it starkingly clear to me that I do not want to become like them. I fear I only have a few years to figure something out to avoid becoming them. I don't want to wake up with the big house in ten years and hate my life. I want to wake up next to my honey on a cot in Bangkok or Katmandu with nothing but our backpacks on our backs. If we have a baby with us, so what? and more power to us.

I have my lover

looking back on my many faceted, fun, and tumultuous train of "lovers" in the past -- i can wholeheartedly and beautiful declare that i have the "one." There were so many magical and fulfilling and unfullfilling experiences in my a past -- and I can't deny that the crazed days of my younger years entirely make who I am now. But the beauty of this one man who is so completely there is so rewarding and so beyond any of those experiences that ultimately had a come-down akin to the worst chemical explorations. The anxiety is gone, the constant wondering, the worry, the need to please, to be something that I was not, to be available, to be at the ready should he change his mind...it all just fades in to the past and here is this incredible person that is so self-less and just so downright nice. I can only hope that I should ever come near to being the person that he deserves. I can do my best -- and for me many times "being the best person" is tied to extrinsic and measureable acts...gifts, let me do this for you and point it out...i want to just love him purely and simply and be so unconditional as I have received in return.

I am so happy and looking forward with such joy to April - to "make this man my family."

xoxoxo

Home for Christmas

It was touch and go there for awhile. We are in the midst of a big, nasty 5 week med mal trial with a control freak judge and high-stress lawyers all on edge. But alas, it all worked out and I was able to get home for my last Christmas as a single gal. It is crazy and kind of sad to think that from now on we are going to have to "choose" families for the holidays -- my solution? Spend the holiday tucked in the Swiss or Austrian alps sipping hot cocoa and eating fondue. That is if our dream of going to Australia in the next year or so does not pan out. Hoping for this blessing in 2012.

Otherwise, it is a fabulous Christmas with over a foot of snow as a pristine blanket over the usually barren, brown desert. Mom and I could actually cross country ski around the property with abandon. don't ever remember being able to do that. Hopefully this great exercise will last the next few days...with over night temps of 17 below, should not be problem. I did realize how much I miss the snow and mountains. The question is whether i can truly deal with it on a long term basis. I sure do love my beach and sunshine and occasional thunderstorm.