was this me?

wow

and then, just like that, a couple of months later, i met him. my bear. my lovey. my right hand. my heating pad. my force.

and then there were kids.

i think i need to address this issue with myself. children. the whole thing really freaks me out. from the bodily changes to the birthing process to actually having to deal with a screaming pooping little being 24 hours a day reallllly freaks me out. i have utmost respect for the mothers of the world. i really do. procreation is the most selfless act that one can perform. it is exponentially so because i just don't get it. maybe the maternal instinct hasn't kicked in for me yet. but it just seems there are so many other things to do. its also one of those things, like, if i were to find out i couldn't have children it would be a devastating, life altering event and i probably couldn't recover from it. who knows. but i guess i'm just not one of those twenty-somethings who is pining for a baby. i have myself. i have my fiance. i am so happy just with him, i don't even want to rock the boat. i suppose in time that might change.

but then...i look at his sister. her kids seem to be tearing her marriage apart. or something is at work. the fact that the kids have them tied down and they can't chnage things to try to make the marriage work. that is scary. the permanence of it. that you have to, like, stay in one place and have long term goals for the sake of your children. it is a beautiful thing. just extremely scary.

so i get scared. like what if i never want to have kids. heck, what if i do? that is even scarier. Like, it almost seems kind of the easy way not to have kids. why deal with the challenge? probably most parents iwll tell you it is the most rewarding thing of life.

and then there is that whole "carrying-on the genes" or "carrying-on the name" thing. and like, at one point, what do you do if you don't have kids??? who takes care of you? but what if you raise them and they hate you and don't take care of you?

can i just say...

how sad it makes me that so much of my life has gone unrecoreded over the past two years. it has been such an amazing, fulfilling, life changing period of time. perhaps it just wasn't an appropriate subject for excessive analysis. anyway, i should make a better effort. i feel like i say that every few months that i check in.

i used to be sooooo into reading the blogosphere....there were so many that i was literally HOOKED on...just stuck on people's lives and experiences and reading and seeing what different kids were all about. these days, i just can't find any that pique my interest. or that are work appropriate ;)

oh, the holidays

So... Christmas dinner erupted into an argument about my priorities after my mother insisted that I go to church tomorrow in lieu of going tubing on the mountain with my best childhood friend. Apparently, I am not in my late twenties but rather my late teens.

Like, I get it. I get her religiosity and her committment and her passion. But my priorities are not her priorities and I am well passed the ripe old age at which she should have stopped imposing same on me. Most particularly when I went to church last night! ...and really, are we going to argue about this at the Christmas table? garrrr...these are the things that push me away. I had a striking realization sitting in my childhood church last night....that it had taken a frighteningly long time to get to where i am...a place that i am not devoured by guilt for not holding the same religion as my mother, but still understand and accept its precepts and in a general sense try to live my life in a certain moraled fashion. On the other hand, it took a lot of years of guilt and struggle and tears and fear to get out from under a strict religious upbringing.

it is interesting and perplexing how they (she) have accepted my relationship with my now-fiance...there is not a hint of religion in his life accept acceptance and understanding of my own confusion. this is the first relationship of my life in which my mother has not tirelessly judged and questioned the male's commitment to her (or similar) beliefs. Maybe it is because he is just so simply and genuinely good in a way that no amount of religious commitment can create. I mean, heck, my heart is darker and more conniving times 10 than he could ever hope to be and he was not raised on a 2x per Sunday and once on Wednesday church routine.

In any case, it sure felt good to vent to him and to you and to write again. sigh.

should dresses, curtains, and bedspreads match?

only when the dress is from him :) I just want to put on the record that I would not wear this in July anywhere unless my love bear bought it for me.

the plates were clanging

and i thought she was packing. pipe dreams. it's the little things.

had a WRETCHED conversation at happy hour tonight about parents and elderly-ness and nursing care, and other terrible topics that you never think of before 21. well maybe some people do, but thank the good Lord I did not. I am just so thankful over and over again that my parents are so healthy and strong and capable and there for me. and that they have each other. how important. wow what a terrible route to go down...and in so many ways happy that i do'nt have siblings to fight about stupid shit, i.e. money. i don't really care for a dime, i would rather have my parents for the next 40 years. I can't believe people fight about familial money. i just don't get it. maybe becuase my family doesn't have money, ha.

not to toot my own horn but...

i just made the most delicious from-scratch pizza -- sauce and crust homemade and delicious mozzarrella. I'm starting to get really wierd and picky about eating anything processed or store/restaurant made without knowing precisely what is in it.

watched Spain beat the Netherlands today in World Cup -- downtown is craaazzzzyyyyy -- the honking horns have not stopped for hours. Spent yesterday at the Mango festival and today at the pool with girl friends drinking Margaritas -- something I never do as I usually opt to spend my weekends with my honey. but it was nice to have a "girly" weekend, eat what I want, do what I want, etc., but I miss my love!

we are planning a vacation to the Turks & Caicos -- I am apprehensive about asking for the time off work, whether I have to ask, and who to ask...but I guess at some point I get a vacation.

i LOVE Florida rain. it comes for a few minutes in the afternoon and cools things off, and then it clears out and creates amazing sunsets.

my hammock

thank you daddy :) there is nothing like watching the sun go down, or seeing the water stretch out to the south from my beautiful purple plumb hammock that I got in Cozumel. My dad installed it at Christmastime after much griping.

So after my debbie nasty complainer face post of yesterday I figure I owe my future family and their city some credit. When we arrived on Friday morning we went to THE BEST coffee in the world...Vivianno. Then we got home -- ate this amazing bread and cheeses and sausages that they get at their incredible grocery store. Think whole foods meets trader joes and 6 tanks of live crabs and lobsters. hung out with the fam, made some sweet love and got ready for our big night at our now traditional 9 course restaurant downtown. There was leek (?) soup, beets with hummus, filet tacos, fried bread with truffles, some kind of poultry that i forget now, an amazing cheese plate, dessert of rice pudding with blueberries, strawberry shortcake, and some kind of baked fruit. I'm surprised I can remember that because you get a new wine or cocktail with each course. It is truly an incredible experience.

Then off to meet the buddies for more drinks, the west coasts' finest, and irish jig dancing. Deep talks with his friends about girls that none of us remember. Then we decided to call it a night ...except i couldn't and my man couldn't drive. I insisted that we go catch a ride to a friend's house and then go in a cab from there. Well, turns out that is not the easiest thing to do at 4 am in the suburbs. we walked. and walked. and walked. for about 3 miles. in the rain. in my gorgeous blue strappy suede sandles that looked soooo cute with my blue and white polka dot dress :( we fell. we laughed. we talked. we probably fought. but we saw the sun (almost) come up which was something i had not experienced with him in a really long time, if ever. A good, wild night.

The next day ensued with a wretched hangover, so much that my favorite mother in law said we both smelled like booze. we lazed around watching the world cup and eating more fabulousness. finally managed to walk down to the shore of the lake near their house, and took the granddaughter to collect shells. i am very strange with children. They're cool, but i feel awkward with them never having really been around any. At first I was kind of jealous (i know, wtf???) and I wanted him all to myself for this sunny warm day on the beach. but it was cool to see him interact with her and just get to chill out and watch. she was better than me at climbing the trail, that is for sure. honestly i have some issues if i am jealous of a five year old child.

that night we fell asleep super early, probably jet leg. the next day was fourth of july so we went to his friends' boat house on the lake -- it was sunny when we got there, within 20 minutes it was foggy, rainy and cold. and it stayed that way for the next 30 hours. i spent fourth of july huddled in blankets and cashmere, still a tad hungover from the night two nights before. we played kings cup (hello college!!!) but so much fun and I ate more chips than any human should. we grilled sausages and watched amazing, 20 mminute long fireworks at which I jumped every time they ignited. my lover bear wanted to stay in after instead of going to the bar which suprised me somewhat but i was totally fine with passing out in this gorgeous sunroom on the lake and waiting for daylight.

In the am, we had pastries, swiss artisan bread selected by the swiss friend himself, and naaaasty coffee. we made our way back to mom and dad's for showers and headed to the university district and to have lunch with the sister. We went to a great little thai place with these amazing tumeric noodles and soup. we talked about her impedning law school decision and gave her a black's law dictionary. she's going through an almost divorce -- i hope she doesn't do it. its complicated but i really really think they need to work things out. anyway, none of my business.

we went back to the rents for dinner -- we did NOT stop eating...after buying ridiculous amounts of food at the market. so nice and fresh. I took the red eye home compliments of sister's friends' pill prescribed by her doctor in Austria. ok. I slept well enough and was able to bill 6 and change on Tuesday, no small feat.

so that was that.

tonight was t road after work, and I considered the irony of my ex Jeff having taken me on our first date there and i was so wierded out by the place. never thought I would meet my future hubby there some two years later. love it.

le summer

is halfway over :(

my life has become measured by the buildings going up around me, that when i started the lease had unobstructed views of Miami...now I look directly at a new apartment building -- don't even get me started on the color scheme -- a school, and now the first traces of a hotel. yuck. i heart this building, but soooooo over the noise. the smells of morning in the elevator. the lap pool...the insane valet situation...the beautiful, big, sunny windows....my hammock. i've really been spoiled here which makes finding a new place ridiculous.

just got back from inlaws' for the fourth of july-- interesting visit with the in-laws. I feel like mom is a little standoffish, at least at first. so much so that now reflecting, i found myself tied up with the 5 year old granddaughter teaching her about mermaids and dressup....avoidance? i guess i can't blame mom -- but i do get sick of suggestions that we move back to seattle. My strongest argument (that I can say to her face) is that it is too rainy and cold for me. the truth is somewhat further away. i starts something like, I don't want my children learning your language so that everyone around me can converse and I can't like you do too often as it is... i know that is your culture and who you are and you want to hold on to the old ways or whatever. but i'm sorry i don't like when you tell your son in a foreign language that i don't understand, in front of me, that i will be making dessert, and THEN complain that the dessert is not that great. i left out the sugar because you wanted it out. maybe your spoiled ass little grandchildren don't need to eat fish everynight that costs $12 a pound. phew that felt good.

but by the end she's all hugs and tears and friends. inviting my parents up for thanksgiving -- which he said was his parents' idea -- come to find out that it was actually his idea which he pinned on me in front of his mom. wtf??? then there was the comment that she's not sure why he likes me....well maybe he should just go find a good home-bodied (insert nationality here) girl like his sister who has not worked a day in her life but sure can speak the language. on that note, I actually really like the sister, and I feel like she is at least to some degree on my side. not that there are sides or anything. but you know, in-laws. they are always going to take ONE side or the other.

i hate sounding bitter and gripey, i mean they really are a great family but i think we are all still feeling eachother out. i just kept thinking the whole time that i was there,like, this is going to be a lifetime struggle. and it made me question, you know, my dad's relationship with my grandparents and my mom's relationship with my dad's parents...and as far as I know there was not one. however, my dad goes to visit my mom's parents when he is back east so i find that somewhat intersting. of course i was young when my dad's parents were around -- but it has always struck me that we never spent summers with them, i always got sent to PA with my mom's parents. which is AWESOME, but i'm just saying. even as a child i noticed a discrepancy.

in any event, marriage to me is FOREVER -- and i now realize to some degree or am trying to realize, the implications of actually marrying a family. and things chaaaaaange over the years....seeing how my possible in=laws talked about my bf's sister's husband as theya re in the midst of trying to avoid divorce...it was like all his fault. as an outside observer i think he is completely justified in his behavior. i won't even get into how awkward it was having dinner with him there and dying, just dying, to ask him what i was getting myself into. and the awkward silences stemming from me knowing more than i probably should, but at the same time only knowing one side of the story and feeling his pain.

it was strange because i was feeling all tense about it during the weekend, and then by the last day when we were leaving, like, i didn't want to leave. i got teary and sad and felt like i was coming back to be here all alone. often on my thoughts was my bf's statements over and over again that he moved away first to LA then to MIA to avoid his overbearing mother. and HOW does one approach the subject of their significant other's mother with their significant other???? i mean, obviously my mother has had her moments too so i need to keep a very close check on myself getting carried away.

in OOOOOTTTTHER news...i wonder waht is up with my parents' marriage anyway. my mom was gone for 10 days on a trip, got back for a few, my dad left to his hometown for a month. my mom works a lot when she is home, and all she talks to me about it seems like is her work drama with Dr. P and the bevy of women he is involved with following his wife's tragic death. She needs to live in a city. I feel like she is so stifled out there, but my dad just doesn't get it and won't budge. wow marriage looks better and better every day.

i love my bear, i want him home.

that was gross

i really disgusted myself last night. i let my jealousy completely take control and caused a huge fight. What he said to this girl was, I thought and still think, disrespectful to me and uneccessary. However, I have had underlying issues against her all along and this was my chance to bring it up. Instead I flipped it on him and made him the bad guy. He takes the position that he's just a joker and that is his personality and i need to just deal with it. But at the same time when he crosses the line that makes me upset, he needs to know without throwing it back at me like I am an overreactive baby. The girl in me gets upset. I admit I should have just let it go, but I was upset that he wasn't understanding why upset in the first place and then refusing to recognize that what he said was offensive.

So we kind of fought in the street and he took off and went home and I went home. That is the first time we ever had a fight where we separated like that...so it leave sme wondering if relationships just have to progress that way. I mean I NEVER want that to happen again. Even this morning I was wretched inside and still mad but I would rather him have been next to me instead of the playing "who is gonna call first" game. ugh. I mean I am just disgusted. Like my jealousy of this friendship he has with this girl is just exhausting which i now realize. Honestly I know I am too hard on him sometimes but that is because I am afraid that if I'm not I will get taken advantage of like I have in the past. And while I believe with every bone in my body that he is not that type of guy, I am also of the opinon that letting things slide all the time will result in creating some level of "That type of guy."

anyway I do need to make a concerted effort just to love him more, you know? Like go out of my way for him and do things that I know he likes. I think some of that has fallen off on my part as this thing has gone on. One year in two weeks :) I've been feeling kind of down for unexplained reasons and generally kind of blah and wondering a lot about direction and what i'm doing and what it's all about. But at the end of the day having him is the best thing in my life and has really become the center of it. Which, at the same time, I get scared that it is unhealthy. I mean obviously an all-consuming relationship is not a good thing; but at the same time love is a beautiful amazing thing and if I want to spend all my time and devote all this to someone, why shouldn't I?

and once again...

i update once every, like, 3 months. I am so proud of myself for having kept up with this so well throughout law school and the end of college. It is fun/dramatizing/invigorating/depressing to look back at those years and the things that were going through my head. It is compelling to read about people who affected me so severely that are not even part of my life any more. It's insane the things that mattered. It is fulfilling to look at goals that have been achieved and dreams that have literally come true. Amazing to learn how perspectives change and how one day to the next is always truly an adventure.

I, as I usually do, read through the "May" entries to see what i was doing this time a year, two years, three, and now four, years ago. CRAZY!!!! College graduation, the time right before Europe, the time right before I started my job (internship) and time right around law school graduation and beginning of bar study.

Now here I am, a full-fledged lawyer. pretty wild ride it has been. but beautiful. by way of update, i am still in a full-fledged (healthy -- yay!) relationship with the love of my life. I love him more every day and am so thankful that there are still people like him left in the world. so many of my issues with men and trust and on an on are just put to rest like i never even rememnered i had them. reading all that old nonsense makes me realize how fortunate I am to have someone like him, but also how much I have learned and experienced.

My life outside of him basically consists of working. I truly love my job -- i mean, working BLOWS in terms of working for the man and giving someone else my time -- but i am extremely fortunate to be in a good spot and be respected and appreciated enough to not completely dread getting up in the morning.

my personal life, i.e. friends is minimal. something that i know i need to work on. I've compeltely become the girl with the boyfriend that just kind of blocks everyone out. Its not really intentional, but its like my free time is so limited now, i want to be with him or i want to be alone. i do feel like it is a bit unhealthy but at the same time why should i force myself into friendships that i just honestly don't want to make time for. I do the occasional happy hour and lunches and stuff like that but i do need a good girl - friend to gab with guy stuff and makeup and that kind of thing. but i guess i will just keep trusting that person will show up. in the mean time i am happy figuring it out.

my relationship with my roommate has deteriorated majorly. if i am honest with myself i know that it is because deep down i just don't really like her and we don't see eye to eye on many things...i have always felt a little "off" about our relationship but she is a good roommate so i have always made it work. But we've basically decided that our relationship is beyond the point of repair -- she blames me for having the BF over too much, and i blame her for not accepting my transition into a relationship. She claims i am a completely different person than i was a year ago, and yes, i am. things have 100% changed, you know? anyway, it is such a negative thing to not speak with the person that you live with so i am just taking it day by day for the next couple of months.

my parents are doing well -- i miss them terribly. it is so hard to picture where life will go in the next five years or so. while i can never imagine moving back home, i think now that at least moving back to the state is not totally out of the question, at least temporarily. but i can't imagine going without my honey, and he has his sights set on Seattle, so we may have to meet somewhere in the middle. we shall see.

c'est la vie!

moments of crisis

seeing as how i only tend to update this thing during them, i probably come off as a complete nut job if anyone out there in the universe still reads this.

In any event, I'm feeling an awfully lot unlike myself lately; for the first time in a long time I don't have a constant sense of satisfaction and overall cheeriness. I'm feeling melancholy and scattered and basically just all over the board between bitchy and controlling and selfish to scared and trapped and stagnant.

I would like to attribute a lot of it to my taking a second bar exam in a few weeks. I am hoping that this will all largely pass at that point. This is the first time that I feel my bf and I may be hitting a bit of a rough patch -- mostly defined by me freaking out about the kind of stuff that I used to judge other girls for freaking out about in relationships: not calling when supposed to, being around other girls, or painting the town red with his buddies or not spending enough time, in general, with me. All incidences that are likely related to me feeling obligated to study much of the time while he has free time...I feel him pulling to go out drinking while I have to stay in Friday night. And then I question his drinking and going out and whether it is something that is going to cause a problem for me irrespective of the bar. and then I think of what a judgemental awful person I am for even thinking that way. he is a fun loving kid, and that is one of the things i love most about him. I guess it is just so hard and unfair-feeling for me to have to just watch it. I end up feeling like a nasty controlling girlfriend who won't let him have any fun or something.

it's pretty awful. I mean i guess if that is the extent of my problem it is really not that awful and it will pass. I'm just feeling very emotional...crying for no obvious reason and needing a lot of attention. pretty gross actually, I disgust myself. i think I need to pull back a little bit and just focus on me for the next few weeks and this test.

in any event I guess the bright side is I am recognizing my neurosis...which in fact might make it worse...i feel like i am just being out of line and crazy, but then i make myself feel guilty about it and i wonder if i should just feel it out and do the thing you know?

i'm just saying, don't say to me...glad you came over, wish i could have seen you more....after you spent the last hour playing beer pong. I mean really? irritating.