i'm going to take this moment

of complete satisfaction with my weekend fling to reflect on the nature of chemistry. its really just so fascinating how i can troll around the city weeks at a time and never feel anything special and then meet some guy at a party for 40 hours and during that time feel this incredibly strong chemistry. now that he's gone it is obviously a different thing, but i am still on the high of that and think about him on and off throughout my day.

i am definitely a "fling" type of person -- i've had more than I can count...but it always amazes me that I can feel that way...and that's what makes me so happy. Even though a fling is often times not "real," it gives me faith in the institution of love. Ok, it ends too, and that crushing feeling reminds me that there is a down to the up. but whatever, one can't live life in fear of the downs. listen to me, i sound ridiculous!

ha, so while i have many "flings," this one is as intense and powerful as the one with A, back five years ago, almost to the day. It was so strong and intense and beautiful and it left me in a puddle of absolute surrender and vulnerability and hopelessness and obsession towards the end.

The difference? I was 20 then. Now, I am the first to admit I am not going into this eyes wide open, but I have been there and done it before so I am more apt to take it for what it is, ride the train, and hope and pray I know when to get off. I really do believe in things like this, and that the feelings are genuine; it is every day life that gets in the way. I have no doubt that traveling the world on a shoe string budget and hoping for the best is a much easier way to cultivate a relationship that "I have my life here, you have your life there, but we do have incredible feelings for eachother"

So much of me so frequently wants to dive into a life like that...hit the open road with no plan and no money and no ties. but so much of what i love about my world is my plan and my ties...the money...well it comes from my plan and my ties so it is what it is.

but whatever, i just am expressing all this positive emotion that feels so good. not that i have been down, but when you are on such a high it is like oh, i forgot how it feels to LIVE sometimes. like taking every single breath and every single second and just rolling with it.

of course that fear in my chest of May 18 (bar classes start) and the rest of the summer (not bad compared to my corporate life as of September) are impending and likely a catalyst for my feeling of freedom; the contrast of the two times in my life will no doubt be black and white. but i love every second. i feel creative and inspired and beautiful and healthy. I felt that way before he came along but this has magnified it x 100. and not that i give HIM the credit, but i give the feeling that developed between he and i, and that is largely the feeling that oh, yes, i am still human...and that is just what i needed.

when i have told the story to a few friends, i realize how ridiculous it probably sounds, and maybe it is. but it is incredible and beautiful how two people can share something that seems so utterly absurd to everyone else.

maybe its the season. Spring was practically MADE for flings...and i seem to have fallen victim in many a springtime hour. but as i said earlier, every year brings more and more satisfaction in knowing and understanding myself and being in control of my destiny.

that being said, i've been thinking a lot lately about things happening for a reason, right place right time, and purpose in the small things of life.

it blame the Costa Rica trip...it just flowed so smoothly and we seized every single second of every single day...not even wasting time to shower or complain...when time to turn of the world, the ipod came on and time to turn it on meant another round of pilsner. i've taken a lot of amazing trips in my short life, but this one was hands down top five. amazing how a dynamic can entirely make a trip. side tracked...but coming back from that trip and diving into last weekend was absolutely perfect.

anyway, i am convinced more than ever that every single thing happens for a reason; if we do not see it or understand, then it must being happening for someone else's reason. i can look back over my life and see how things haven't gone my way but i would have missed other more amazing opportunities. and every single thing that has come my way has brought me right here. a great spot!