i'm going to take this moment

of complete satisfaction with my weekend fling to reflect on the nature of chemistry. its really just so fascinating how i can troll around the city weeks at a time and never feel anything special and then meet some guy at a party for 40 hours and during that time feel this incredibly strong chemistry. now that he's gone it is obviously a different thing, but i am still on the high of that and think about him on and off throughout my day.

i am definitely a "fling" type of person -- i've had more than I can count...but it always amazes me that I can feel that way...and that's what makes me so happy. Even though a fling is often times not "real," it gives me faith in the institution of love. Ok, it ends too, and that crushing feeling reminds me that there is a down to the up. but whatever, one can't live life in fear of the downs. listen to me, i sound ridiculous!

ha, so while i have many "flings," this one is as intense and powerful as the one with A, back five years ago, almost to the day. It was so strong and intense and beautiful and it left me in a puddle of absolute surrender and vulnerability and hopelessness and obsession towards the end.

The difference? I was 20 then. Now, I am the first to admit I am not going into this eyes wide open, but I have been there and done it before so I am more apt to take it for what it is, ride the train, and hope and pray I know when to get off. I really do believe in things like this, and that the feelings are genuine; it is every day life that gets in the way. I have no doubt that traveling the world on a shoe string budget and hoping for the best is a much easier way to cultivate a relationship that "I have my life here, you have your life there, but we do have incredible feelings for eachother"

So much of me so frequently wants to dive into a life like that...hit the open road with no plan and no money and no ties. but so much of what i love about my world is my plan and my ties...the money...well it comes from my plan and my ties so it is what it is.

but whatever, i just am expressing all this positive emotion that feels so good. not that i have been down, but when you are on such a high it is like oh, i forgot how it feels to LIVE sometimes. like taking every single breath and every single second and just rolling with it.

of course that fear in my chest of May 18 (bar classes start) and the rest of the summer (not bad compared to my corporate life as of September) are impending and likely a catalyst for my feeling of freedom; the contrast of the two times in my life will no doubt be black and white. but i love every second. i feel creative and inspired and beautiful and healthy. I felt that way before he came along but this has magnified it x 100. and not that i give HIM the credit, but i give the feeling that developed between he and i, and that is largely the feeling that oh, yes, i am still human...and that is just what i needed.

when i have told the story to a few friends, i realize how ridiculous it probably sounds, and maybe it is. but it is incredible and beautiful how two people can share something that seems so utterly absurd to everyone else.

maybe its the season. Spring was practically MADE for flings...and i seem to have fallen victim in many a springtime hour. but as i said earlier, every year brings more and more satisfaction in knowing and understanding myself and being in control of my destiny.

that being said, i've been thinking a lot lately about things happening for a reason, right place right time, and purpose in the small things of life.

it blame the Costa Rica trip...it just flowed so smoothly and we seized every single second of every single day...not even wasting time to shower or complain...when time to turn of the world, the ipod came on and time to turn it on meant another round of pilsner. i've taken a lot of amazing trips in my short life, but this one was hands down top five. amazing how a dynamic can entirely make a trip. side tracked...but coming back from that trip and diving into last weekend was absolutely perfect.

anyway, i am convinced more than ever that every single thing happens for a reason; if we do not see it or understand, then it must being happening for someone else's reason. i can look back over my life and see how things haven't gone my way but i would have missed other more amazing opportunities. and every single thing that has come my way has brought me right here. a great spot!

these are beautiful days

i've had a beautiful week...i'm on cloud nine...i need this and love it so much. it all started with Winter Music Conference last Wednesday...the whole week was fun, but I am most excited about Saturday night...went to an industry house party with D and Pat and a couple other friends from school. Typical night...having fun...saw this beautiful guy. We made eye contact and I commented to them that he was amazing, but saw him with a girl I assumed was his girlfriend so I was bummed. Then I saw him later dancing and introduced myself, super shy, that I couldn't hold the conversation. Later I said some random stuff to him in passing. Then he came up to me while I was on the phone...then D and Pat snagged him, gave him my number, and made him promise to call me. I tried to rush off the phone because I could not imagine what they were saying to him...we spoke briefly but he was leavin (this is like 5 am) to catch a flight back to New York. He said he'd call, I told him basically to screw himself, he tried to kiss me, I told him in his dreams. He left and D and Pat told me how he was super nice and couldn't believe I acted that way to him. Then I felt like an idiot, but what could I do, he was gone.

About an hour later he walks back in the door. He did not come right over to me, so we all started scheming that he was some awful liar who made up that story to get away from me. Crazy. So we started to leave, he found me outside, asked to kiss me again, I told him I don't kiss random club guys, told him to call me the next day if he wanted to see me, etc. He had changed his flight. Besides Eyes and his friend were with us and the last thing I needed was school friends seeing me make out with a random dude at a party. So we left it like that, he texted me later, I fucked with him some more, never dreaming a guy that beautiful would be into me. Also a little drunk and just feeling the be mean vibe because I'm like who is this random dude trying to fool, he obviously is trying to get ass and forget it haha.

so next day he texts me like, I really want to see you. I'm thinking what am I possibly going to do with this random guy from New York all during the day in Miami, he had not slept, I had slept like 3 hours, but something in me just said go see him right now. So I came home at like 2pm, showered and went to his airport hotel to pick him up. I decided to take him to eat at one of my favorite local restaurants and just show him my Miami. Then if it was awkward I could easily escape and so could he.


The first few minutes in the car were like, what is this, what do we talk about. So I started asking him questions about himself, telling him random stuff, etc. I'm driving to little Havanna, thinking this guy is probably freaking the heck out like what am I getting into. We had lunch, croquetas and pork and yucca and black beans and rice...at this point i'm just trying to entertain some random person, kind of show off my city and just look at his amazing face.

we finished up lunch and walked out to the car. There was this sexy tension and I was nervous. We got close and slowly kissed. Super sexy. We giggled a little, he teased me for not kissing him in the club...I asked him what he wanted to do...knew he had to be tired running on zero sleep but did not want to put myself in the situation of being back in the hotel room on a bed yet.

So I drove him to the beach on Key Biscayne...it was a gray-blue day, with a breeze and lots of windsurfers on the water. We pulled over to watch and kissed against my car. He later told he was picturing a cheesey walk on the beach holding hands but that it was really cool what we did. i wouldn't have wanted the cheesey-ness either, but we were meshing great and wow what a great kisser. There was Spanish music playing in the background which set a cool scene. We talked a little, he suggested we "watch tv"...I told him I knew where he was going with that, but finally was so exhausted that I relented.

We drove back to his hotel and went up to the room. He played me this song that he wrote (he's a dj/record label owner for house/trance music....so perfect meeting for WMC)Some more talking and kissing...i told him pretty quickly where the boundaries were, but didn't elaborate too much...he was silly and playful but respectful. We layed there talking and looking at eachother, slept briefly and more making out. Around 1030, I decided I should leave, again trying to avoid a difficult or compromising situation of staying overnight. We tried to get dinner but the restaurant was closed...made out in the elevator, letting it take us to random floors and I went home.

He had said he wanted to try and change his flight again the next morning (taking advantage of over-bookings, so basically he's collecting free flights and staying in hotels on the airline's pocketbook...smart!) I waited with mucho anxiety for him to call me when he woke up in the morning, wondering if he would, or if it was a dream or if it was just him trying to get sex, failing, and being done with it. When I heard from him I rushed to the hotel. We hung out for like an hour before I had to drive him to the airport to see if he could change it for another night. We had this crazy hot makeout session in the elevator again...felt like a high schooler.

We got lost on the way, but listened to Tiesto and found we have the same favorite song -- Put Your Loving Arms Around Me...it was so sexy. We pulled up at the airport, wondering whether we would see eachother again. good byes are terrible...we had a beautiful and passionate make-out sesh with great tracks on the sound system...sweaty as heck because it was hot and my sun roof was open....he walked away from the car with his bag slung over his shoulder and it was just a beautiful moment. I burst into tears and drove in circles until I felt better. I drove back to my place through Brickell at lunchtime, seeing lawyers in suits and ties and blue shirts and wanted to scream that my life is going to become that (even though that is exaclty what I want). But experiences like this make me so scared that all my adventure is going to have to come to a halt.

I went home...failed miserably to focus on a paper that was due in a few hours...texted him "don't go" right before I knew his flight was taking off. He called to say he got it extended one more day....phew!!! Since I had to take a friend to the airport in a couple hours, I told him I would stop by then before going to the tennis match I had planned with a friend. Obviously part of me wanted to cancel the tennis, but I told myself I would not rearrange my life for this still largely random guy...he was super cool about it anyway, teasing me about having a date and understanding that my life is here.

I got lost trying to find his different hotel this time...drove in circles...finally found it literally 15 minutes before I had to be back at my house for tennis. I couldn't stand the thought of not running into see him, so i literally ran in, kissed him, told him I would call later, and rushed back to my house.

After the tennis match, i called him and went over to the Marriott. I was so happy to see him, and we had an amazing night talking about our lives and eachother and kissing passionately. It is so easy to talk to strangers about anything which makes it really easy to bond on these crazy deep levels. We talked about wanting to see eachother again, but were honest about how crappy the situation truly is. I stayed with him until about 5 in the morning...it was so incredibly hard to leave and we kissed until i thought my face would fall off... in the best way...

It was fun to set boundaries, and I know what's up with me and that. I explained to him that I want to know someone before getting into all that and all the different levels of understanding that need to come before it...at least for me at this place in my life. I think he was somewhat flabbergasted but awed by it...he kept saying he couldn't believe I was going to be a lawyer....green crayon, turqouise and silver. Amazing all the sweet nothings it is so easy to say to someone you just met.

The feelings I am having right now are so refreshing. I forgot that I could feel this way and how fun it is. obviously this is a precarious situation for my heart, which is largely why i held of the way that I did sexually. I don't want to fall into a random city booty call for him and had some sort of passion and attraction with him that I think is extremely rare and I did not want to destroy. The way he was looking at me cannot be faked and I think he felt the way I did. We live extremely different lives but whatever happens we shared this beautiful few days together and it renewed my faith in love and meeting people and my ability to have feelings and express them. Obviously this needs to translate to my real life but it is simultaneously a great time in my life to meet passionate people and learn about them and my self through them ...and help them learn about themselves.

I wrote a poem about/for him. don't know if i will ever have the courage to share it with him, although i would love to. i don't know where this is going or if it is, but i know i am welcoming for whatever is meant to happen. he tried to change his flight again today and i just keep telling meyself that if we should have seen eachother we would have...for some reason i was not supposed to see him today again, but i hope that i can soon. aye the passion of life can be so beautiful.

so i think i figured out my problem.

i just like too many men... i like about 5 guys at the moment on different levels and for different reasons. maybe more. i think i have an addiction. but i don't know how to STOP. and I don't know if i WANT to stop. I'm having a blast...it is challenging...i'm learning a lot about myself, and strangely, relationships. or at least i think i am. i am learning whatever it is i think i want to know. like what i won't be able to tolerate, and what i will when Mr. Right finally does make his grand appearance.

I need someone who can take my ridiculousness and believe in me and understand it and break the rules with me, but not all the time. he needs to support me, but let me support him too. let me take care of him. he needs to understand my moods and my interests, but i want him to have his own too. he needs to believe in something. he needs to want to travel, but with me :o)

Warz and i discussed the honeymoon stages of relationships last night. see, i am ADDICTED to them. I love honeymoons. I love weekend trips and visits and flings and first, second and third dates. I keep telling myself that I just have not met the right guy yet...but part of me wonders if an internal change is required...but in the meantime i'm having a blast...if it ain't broke don't fix it?

oh, and i am LOVING the Eagles lately.

I just had a flashback of the summer I was in Breckinridge with my parents and met one of the guys working at the hotel for the summer...totally made out with him in his summer cottage after going to an outdoor Skynrd concert and drinking cheap wine. ahhh youth.

there is something about the sounds

of the city on a Monday morning. It is especially notable after the near silence of Sunday. The engines, construction, trains....starts out relatively quiet....slowly increasing to the 9 am rush, then evens out for the day, picks up again later, and then the quiet of night. The sounds of industry and work yet the sluggishness of a Monday morning, the reluctance. The sun rising slowly in time with it all. A big orange one today, particularly pretty. I'm going for a run on the beach then Bikram.
I took a "me" weekend and stayed in...got up early for Yoga and a bike ride Saturday, and then went indoor rock climbing with R. It was super fun and we are going again tomorrow. We went to Scottie's afterward and indulged in steak sandwiches and beer, watching the water and talking about life...what a great place. Sunday I got up and read the paper at Starbucks, rode over to Crandon Park, did laps in the pool, worked on some homework and made sweet potato rolls for a friend's Oscar watch party, which was really fun. I loved Angelina Jolie's look of jade earings with the black dress...I"m ripping that off for my Barrister's dress this year.

serious glut of material

which probably means there is plenty i'm just not thinking. i was sitting in class earlier and had this thought that i feel a little uninspired lately. not quite sure where to look for it, either. like i don't feel creative. dull. very strange feeling. i guess i just need to shake it up a little. gonna take this weekend "off" -- do healthful active activities like yoga and rock climbing and maybe paint a little. well we will see how that actually goes lol. i need some male excitement in my life, for sure. starting to really think i handled the entire Choco situation very poorly.

unconventional

i just got really scared. it just hit me that i could end up leading a very unconventional life. i see my life taking two paths: one...working for a couple years, accepting it, meeting a guy, getting married, having babies, lock down, retirement, white picket fence (or gate), suburbs, saturdays at the mall, soccer games and girl scout meetings, dance classes and senior proms. two....working for a few years, getting fed up with it and teaching English in Peru, putting more footsteps on the earth, meeting guys, maybe someone special, maybe not...coming back to the states with a completely unfathomable different perspective and setting out on a new adventure here or there or anywhere.

it is a scary-as-all-hell thought in that it means i have no plan. direction, but no map. i just don't see myself chained to a desk for the next 5 years of my life. i don't know what i thought it was that i'm getting into....and granted i'm at a great firm...but unless something comes along and derails me from work being my focus in life, i think i will soon go crazy. or come up with an exit strategy.

i'm taking spanish and it is very inspiring. everything i learn about it makes me want to learn more. i kind of just want to screw everything and go learn spanish. obviously that is not happening but the girl can dream. man and it is just soooo great taking it in Miami, because it is like a constant challenge...all day every day...i hear Spanish at the store, read it on the roads, and listen to it on the radio....when i don't want to think i can think in Spanish...can't believe i blew it off for so many years...

anyway maybe i am just having a moment of wishful thinking...but one needs those. i actually just really hope i come out somewhere in the middle of all that.

mini relationships and the things they teach me about myself

so my ex-boyfriend from college, S, senior year....I hooked up with him over new years...came to visit this past weekend. I was apprehensive about him coming because i tend to DO this to myself...short little fling weekends that are amazing and then i get depressed when i realize the reality is anything but like it is for that few days. but i figured finally that, hey, i'm still young and single and if that is going to be the case I am going to embrace it. So he came in...it's funny how some people you are just naturally comfortable with. like, even though we haven't been together in 3 years and hadn't spoken in 2, i just felt natural and comfortable with him. i could be myself and just generally didn't care what he thought about things i say or do...you know, that comfort thing. also part of that is that he's staying with me for four days so he can't piss me off.

anyway. i told him sex was off the table -- freaked out about STD's and pregnancy as a cover for emotionally being freaked out. the first night i thought it would be really hard to stick to that once i saw him, drank tequila, and got in bed. but when we were fooling around i just got this really strange feeling in myself that was like, you know what, this is my body. i have to respect it. i think in the past i didn't take full ownership and control of my SELF. if i do not feel emotionally comfortable with something, no amount of physical attraction is going to make it ok for me. so in that department, we (I) had a great weekend of manual satisfaction, but i just did not feel like i could give myself to him in that way (even though we did in the past)...and i conciously or subconciously blame him for some of my issues in that way for a number of reasons...

but it was nice to hang out with a boy my age who is at my same place in life and is just generally a little rough around the edges. he's just a huge BOY. i'm used to being around guys who are a little bit older and refined...so it was a change but at the same time i NEED someone who can grasp the finer things in life. maybe that is shallow of me but i at least like when someone appreciates certain aspects of fine dining or artistic representation. but then again he would suprise me with other observations that were insightful and cute.

also being around him was an interesting reflection on myself. i realized how much i value my space and my time...about 24 hours in i was going nuts...i just wanted to be alone, go for a run, not have to entertain someone. the thing is it is so FUN to entertain someone and show them all my favorite things to do in town...i felt like some things he did not appreciate...but how much of that is just him being a boy and not "getting" the things i do... again, self reflection. so anyway it is fun to entertain someone, but man, a boyfriend is a lot of work. keeping him fed, showered, happy, entertained...i guess i need the person that i am with to appreciate that i am doing and enjoy doing those things for him. like i made pancakes one morning and a pizza for us one night...i LOVE LOVE LOVE doing that crap for guys...it's rare that i feel like they "get" what it means to me to be able to do that for someone.

Also my moodiness was reflected when someone else was there to receive it 24 hours a day. i can go through an up hour and then a down hour, and while i wouldn't even notice if i'm bustling around the house or running errands, when the switch happens while you are constantly hanging out with someone else, they notice and call you on it.

oh, yes, and i was thinking about Workie quite frequently over the weekend. it is such a wound in the flesh sometimes. i am so crazy about him...see him in my future...reminisce about the summer...paint this rosy picture for myself in my head...thing about where i WAS that summer...just completely obsorbed...i want to tell him so much...but i'm terrified and feel like i have to proceed with extreme caution to protect my livelihood as much as my heart. but how much of it is reminiscience and how much of it is real? How are things going ot be when i start working? does he think about me as much as i do? we keep in touch through occasional emals and phone calls, such as when funny things remind us of eachother or when i have travel quesitons for him. i just want things to be how they were...i want my heart to be open...but then i don't even know if it was right with him.

sigh, oh the matters of the heart.