unconventional

i just got really scared. it just hit me that i could end up leading a very unconventional life. i see my life taking two paths: one...working for a couple years, accepting it, meeting a guy, getting married, having babies, lock down, retirement, white picket fence (or gate), suburbs, saturdays at the mall, soccer games and girl scout meetings, dance classes and senior proms. two....working for a few years, getting fed up with it and teaching English in Peru, putting more footsteps on the earth, meeting guys, maybe someone special, maybe not...coming back to the states with a completely unfathomable different perspective and setting out on a new adventure here or there or anywhere.

it is a scary-as-all-hell thought in that it means i have no plan. direction, but no map. i just don't see myself chained to a desk for the next 5 years of my life. i don't know what i thought it was that i'm getting into....and granted i'm at a great firm...but unless something comes along and derails me from work being my focus in life, i think i will soon go crazy. or come up with an exit strategy.

i'm taking spanish and it is very inspiring. everything i learn about it makes me want to learn more. i kind of just want to screw everything and go learn spanish. obviously that is not happening but the girl can dream. man and it is just soooo great taking it in Miami, because it is like a constant challenge...all day every day...i hear Spanish at the store, read it on the roads, and listen to it on the radio....when i don't want to think i can think in Spanish...can't believe i blew it off for so many years...

anyway maybe i am just having a moment of wishful thinking...but one needs those. i actually just really hope i come out somewhere in the middle of all that.