mini relationships and the things they teach me about myself

so my ex-boyfriend from college, S, senior year....I hooked up with him over new years...came to visit this past weekend. I was apprehensive about him coming because i tend to DO this to myself...short little fling weekends that are amazing and then i get depressed when i realize the reality is anything but like it is for that few days. but i figured finally that, hey, i'm still young and single and if that is going to be the case I am going to embrace it. So he came in...it's funny how some people you are just naturally comfortable with. like, even though we haven't been together in 3 years and hadn't spoken in 2, i just felt natural and comfortable with him. i could be myself and just generally didn't care what he thought about things i say or do...you know, that comfort thing. also part of that is that he's staying with me for four days so he can't piss me off.

anyway. i told him sex was off the table -- freaked out about STD's and pregnancy as a cover for emotionally being freaked out. the first night i thought it would be really hard to stick to that once i saw him, drank tequila, and got in bed. but when we were fooling around i just got this really strange feeling in myself that was like, you know what, this is my body. i have to respect it. i think in the past i didn't take full ownership and control of my SELF. if i do not feel emotionally comfortable with something, no amount of physical attraction is going to make it ok for me. so in that department, we (I) had a great weekend of manual satisfaction, but i just did not feel like i could give myself to him in that way (even though we did in the past)...and i conciously or subconciously blame him for some of my issues in that way for a number of reasons...

but it was nice to hang out with a boy my age who is at my same place in life and is just generally a little rough around the edges. he's just a huge BOY. i'm used to being around guys who are a little bit older and refined...so it was a change but at the same time i NEED someone who can grasp the finer things in life. maybe that is shallow of me but i at least like when someone appreciates certain aspects of fine dining or artistic representation. but then again he would suprise me with other observations that were insightful and cute.

also being around him was an interesting reflection on myself. i realized how much i value my space and my time...about 24 hours in i was going nuts...i just wanted to be alone, go for a run, not have to entertain someone. the thing is it is so FUN to entertain someone and show them all my favorite things to do in town...i felt like some things he did not appreciate...but how much of that is just him being a boy and not "getting" the things i do... again, self reflection. so anyway it is fun to entertain someone, but man, a boyfriend is a lot of work. keeping him fed, showered, happy, entertained...i guess i need the person that i am with to appreciate that i am doing and enjoy doing those things for him. like i made pancakes one morning and a pizza for us one night...i LOVE LOVE LOVE doing that crap for guys...it's rare that i feel like they "get" what it means to me to be able to do that for someone.

Also my moodiness was reflected when someone else was there to receive it 24 hours a day. i can go through an up hour and then a down hour, and while i wouldn't even notice if i'm bustling around the house or running errands, when the switch happens while you are constantly hanging out with someone else, they notice and call you on it.

oh, yes, and i was thinking about Workie quite frequently over the weekend. it is such a wound in the flesh sometimes. i am so crazy about him...see him in my future...reminisce about the summer...paint this rosy picture for myself in my head...thing about where i WAS that summer...just completely obsorbed...i want to tell him so much...but i'm terrified and feel like i have to proceed with extreme caution to protect my livelihood as much as my heart. but how much of it is reminiscience and how much of it is real? How are things going ot be when i start working? does he think about me as much as i do? we keep in touch through occasional emals and phone calls, such as when funny things remind us of eachother or when i have travel quesitons for him. i just want things to be how they were...i want my heart to be open...but then i don't even know if it was right with him.

sigh, oh the matters of the heart.