firsts.

there are a lot of firsts in life related to professional development...first day of school, first day of high school, first day of college, first day of law school, first day of bar study...and now the first day of "associate" is nearing to an end. It was quite nice...a nice smooth transition for the most part. It did not feel overwhelming, until just now i stopped to think that maybe the reason I was so cold to B was that I am feeling just a tad overwhelmed...not with workload or anything like that (yet), but just the general life change. It is not a bad feeling...just one that I am trying to savor every minute of because I want to make sure i tread carefully, wisely, and make the right decisions. At a crucial turning point, decisions become vitally important and cannot be made through smoke and mirrors.

I don't mean to overdramatize a particular "day" or "week" or "month" or whatever, and I know that in time it all tends to fade into more of a feeling or a glimpse than a specific, stark memory. But, it is very important for me to feel every minute of it and experience every second of the excitement to the fullest because that is how I love to live my life...It makes me very happy when I feel that way, as opposed to stressing about what might happen a day, week, year from now. Kind of ironic that the beginning of a career such as mine has a strange calming and centering effect on me in many ways.

In other thoughts...is it bad to re-use lines that have been given to me in the past? For example, I remember Lawyer once telling me that he "has trouble letting people into his life"...it stung so horribly at the time, but with the understanding that only comes with age and experience, I have come to realize that it may have stung him more to say it. I feel that way incredibly sometime...and wonder why I can't just include or embrace or let myself go into someone that seems right on so many levels. I can always think of an excuse to avoid it. Some days i feel incredibly welcoming and receptive and open, but then a glance or a word or a silly memory can seem to derail me. Or center me...although sometimes I cannot seem to tell whether I am being centered or derailed.

again, overwhelmed, in a beautiful way.