what an amazing day

Passed the bar!!!

the wait was absolutely making me batty....the nausea every time I thought of it...that tense feeling in my stomach...the being testy and anxious. But it is over, and I PASSED. My heart was thumping out of my chest yesterday while waiting for the results. I was literally on my knees in front of my computer screen in my office, shaking like crazy. What an incredible wave of relief. And it has slowly been setting in over the past day that I am an attorney, just like I have been striving for for so long! It is truly a surreal feeling...

So far loving my job. I feel clueless and clumsy, but my cases are interesting and I'm learning a ton -- basic office type stuff, and legal stuff.

The boyfriend is awesome...he amazes me and I love him more every day. He suprised me by taking me to this adorable, delicious hole in the wall Peruvian restaurant last night... picked out Pinot Noir...ate mashed potato/avocado/mushroom/octopus glory with me. Incredible man...I feel so great these days, the sun is bright, I saw a rainbow this morning...:o) Loooooovvvvveeee is such a beautiful thing, and it has been so long. But every day that I've had to wait makes it so much better.

4pm

today...i decided that i am ready for retirement. my shoulders and eyes were aching, i wanted a beer. but the flip side is having nothing to do or lacking a challenge. i mean, i truly like my job...I'm interested in what I am doing. just the grind of 9-6 (and being SPENT at 4 but having to stay because of guilt and obligation) SUUUUCCCKKKKS....but it was my FIRST payday so that was super exciting and amazing. and then i had to turn around and pay off my bills. sweet. but i am just happy that i can pay them.

besides that, something else that i knew was inevitable happened...the phone call invitation from Work guy to happy hour. yup. and you KNOW i went. i thought of all these work-related reasons to go, but the reality is i wanted to and it raised as many questions as it answered.

B and I had a nice drunken conversation the other night about the future. him going back to school and how i don't want to be dating a student for the next 5 years. how he wants two kids, i want one. how we have this whole life planned all of a sudden, and i don't even know where i want to live 3 years from now. but somehow that also seemed to fit into his plan. but now in the haze of the week i don't even know. i love it here. i can't imagine leaving. so now i am questioning how much of my loving it and feeling content is from meeting HIM and him being my partner in crime lately. and WHY i still act this way with work guy. i wonder what he and Dam are talking about with Terrance right now.

i love life.

9/9/09

that's pretty cool, right? At 9:09 p.m. on 9/9/09 i was talking to Baz...at 9:09 a.m. I was sitting at my desk, most likely.

got roped in to doing fantasy draft for the boys tonight. free beer and dinner? sold. we had an atty meeting wherein I had to introduce myself -- tres shy and awkward --- its nice to see everyone again...i just wonder how long the new fun-ness will last? Ok, don't be a debbie downer. just trying to watch my lip at this point and not do or say anything stupid. sometimes I feel like I need my hand held. there are a lot of things i prefer to do by myself, but i find at work i am like ok i need someone to be with me, go with me, what are others doing kind of feeling?

tired. moving to Thailand or Peru.

firsts.

there are a lot of firsts in life related to professional development...first day of school, first day of high school, first day of college, first day of law school, first day of bar study...and now the first day of "associate" is nearing to an end. It was quite nice...a nice smooth transition for the most part. It did not feel overwhelming, until just now i stopped to think that maybe the reason I was so cold to B was that I am feeling just a tad overwhelmed...not with workload or anything like that (yet), but just the general life change. It is not a bad feeling...just one that I am trying to savor every minute of because I want to make sure i tread carefully, wisely, and make the right decisions. At a crucial turning point, decisions become vitally important and cannot be made through smoke and mirrors.

I don't mean to overdramatize a particular "day" or "week" or "month" or whatever, and I know that in time it all tends to fade into more of a feeling or a glimpse than a specific, stark memory. But, it is very important for me to feel every minute of it and experience every second of the excitement to the fullest because that is how I love to live my life...It makes me very happy when I feel that way, as opposed to stressing about what might happen a day, week, year from now. Kind of ironic that the beginning of a career such as mine has a strange calming and centering effect on me in many ways.

In other thoughts...is it bad to re-use lines that have been given to me in the past? For example, I remember Lawyer once telling me that he "has trouble letting people into his life"...it stung so horribly at the time, but with the understanding that only comes with age and experience, I have come to realize that it may have stung him more to say it. I feel that way incredibly sometime...and wonder why I can't just include or embrace or let myself go into someone that seems right on so many levels. I can always think of an excuse to avoid it. Some days i feel incredibly welcoming and receptive and open, but then a glance or a word or a silly memory can seem to derail me. Or center me...although sometimes I cannot seem to tell whether I am being centered or derailed.

again, overwhelmed, in a beautiful way.

feeling Thai-sick

that is, I miss Thailand.

Start the big J-O-B tomorrow...what an incredible transition to be going in one door and out another. On the cusp of my career...really just savoring the moment. I am truly excited about starting...nervous...and wondering most of all how my life is about to change. And then wondering if it will really change all that much, at the core. And whether I want it to?

Are my carefree beach days and yoga classes and cooking hours going to stick around? Are they really all that carefree as it is? There is always something to stress about I suppose.

I am beginning to really see what a learning experience school is socially...wondering how that plays out into the workforce. I have spent so much time training! Bring it on!

Its funny, I've been noticing all these "job" or "new career" tips lately... such as...firm handshakes, eye contact, being respectful. All very simple things that I think make a huge difference. Curious to see my office, my secretary, my view, my cases, my co-workers. Hoping I still remember something from law school.

got the suit picked out ;)

go canes!

Miami is beautiful

I don't know if I could ever leave this place. It has the most beautiful clouds and sky, the weather is unbeatable. It is vibrant and chaotic, but set against the calmness and beauty of the sea and palm trees it strikes a perfect balance. And there is nothing like finding sanctuary in your own home. I love my windows :)

I love my outdoor, FREE (thanks, city of Miami, for doing something right) yoga class by the bay. Yesterday this random parrot came out of nowhere and landed on a few people during class. I never could tell whether it was wild or belonged to someone as a pet, but it is the kind of thing that would only happen here.

I rode the mover home and there were 3 European tourists...I was trying to figure out where they were from and watching the mannerisms and excitement was cute. Trying to imagine what they see of this city through their eyes.

7 days.

reality awaits

took the bar...what a terrible experience. I don't even know how to feel about it, but fortunately was so mentally exhausted afterward that I have not spent a lot of time stressint out, at least not compared to how much i spent before I took it.

Went to Thailand for 3.5 weeks with my mom -- completely the trip of a lifetime....we went to Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Chiang Dao, Krabi beach, Koh Tao, and Koh Samui...so many great memories...I kept a diary on it.
Asia truly felt like being in another world...it continually amazes me how other cultures are so much the same yet so different. It is hard to chose a favorite place or activity or memory, but suffice it to say I did my best to enjoy every single minute of not having any concerns.

I start my job a week from now...I am looking forward with anticipation, a little nervous, excited, happy...I basically have my dream job and am exactly where I want to be, or at least I have that in my head...so it will be interesting to see how reality measures up. Obviously 9-5 (or 8) sucks and is a total life change, but one I feel I am ready for...could not handle any more school and honestly am a little bored and need somewhere to put my energies. And also keep telling myself that if it is absolutely terrible, I have other options.

I've met a truly sweet guy. Of course I have my committment issues and what not, but he is incredible and every day amazes me with reminders of how I should be treated. It is becoming strikingly clear how a relationship should work and can work when it is right, as compared to my strings of meaningless dating in the past. I shouldn't say meaningless, I just mean everything with he and I seems to fit really well. Like, we have the same group of friends so there is no awkwardness of wondering whether he will "fit in" with them...he has a good family...we like the same things....he likes to have adventures...he's tall...blue eyes...well-educated and smart...makes me laugh and smile....the opposite of flaky...

during the Bar he brought me a beautiful sunflower to the dreary library, made me dinner and brought it to me to eat late at night, always reminds me that he is thinking about me. He was so supportive during the bar, and I most certainly was not a pleasant person so that really impressed me. He's just as great as can be and I honestly believe that he came to me at just the right time. he was exactly what I needed then and there and everything has been good.

I was feeling a tad overwhelmed with it right after the Bar because it was like omg I have my life back, now what? But at the same time I wanted to spend every second I could with him before I left for Thailand. And then I got back last week and we have spent a ton of time together and its awesome. Although I do feel like life is coming at me fast right now, its like I trust him enough and he is realiable enough to be there with me through it. He's a strong guy, he remembers the randomest details so i know he actually listens (most of the time...after all he is still a man...)...

anyway, I'm gushing, but he's refreshing and I am thrilled. He's so good to me that it makes me just want to be like that with him....I've always felt like I wanted a person to just shower with affection and care and all that but no one ever seemed right to reciprocate it...he does and I have had so much fun showing him how I feel....although I'm not sure what it is yet, I know it is something special and different.

He left for a week for work and to go home for a wedding, and I am dreading the boredom without him around, but I also think the space is good, especially since I am starting work I need to just get my head together and do all MY stuff that needs to be straight.

Anyway, maybe in my new life I will actually get around to blogging more. I miss it.