And then you wake up and you're 33...

I've been meaning to type that headline for a few weeks since "the big day"...cray.  Just cray.  It is kind of an innocuous age but birthdays always have this sort of halo thing around them for a few weeks before and maybe a week after.  It was a really grand day, though.  I slept in, opened perfect gifts from my thoughtful husband, (lingerie, cashmere, and comfy sweats - score), went to breakfast with my hubby at Cozy Corner, when to check the construction on our house, talked to my dad on the phone during that, went to the suburbs to select tile/flooring/kitchen and then rode a leisurely train to the loop for a couple of hours of work; treated myself to a hot cocoa and biscotti, a pedicure, champagne, acupuncture, and home to pack for our trip to NM and Cabo for a week.   The first year my grandparents didn't call me on my birthday.  They are both in nursing care facility, grandma with a stroke and grandpa I believe a broken heart.  My mom is there cleaning out their apartment which is emotionally devastating, I am sure, and so hard.  I went out there about a month ago and it was heart-wrenching to see my amazing, strong, feisty, fierce grandmother laying in a hospital bed asking for my grandpa to put his "large warm hand" on her sore neck and brushing her hair and rubbing her feet.  I am so blessed to have them both.  It's so crazy what they have seen in their lives.

Meanwhile, last week, I went to my first lesbian wedding and a hubs's friend's wedding in Mexico.  Both such different events and so amazing in their own ways.  Lesbians make things so simple; California girls, not so much, but she still had an idyllic beach wedding.... not nearly as memorable as mine.  I've been to so many "perfect" weddings and never felt the emotion of mine -- well duh, but just that raw, emotional, battling, humid, fierce, people-standing-around you authentic feeling.

Work is weird lately.  I've done the full swing from "I'm quitting and teaching Pilates" to "I'm quitting and opening my own firm" to "I'm looking for a job" to now "I'm just in it."  I honestly have had a case or two in the last 6 months that I feel like I've "lost" and for some reason it is madly effecting my confidence and I feel sort of blah.  But through the experience my firm/boss have been endlessly supportive, never un-constructively criticized me, I've taken all the time off I've wanted, and I just can't complain.  I feel very supported (maybe I am naïve) but I just can't go right now. 

Pilates ran its course teaching-wise.  It was a blessing, and fun, and a huge eye opening experience to the business side of it.  My little fantasy of "I am going to quit the corporate grind and open a studio" -- I mean I still dream about it but I realize now that it's all in and incredibly challenging to get clients.  In 6 months of being "employed," I "sold" ONE session, and I really think that is because the guy felt sorry for me.  I'm not sure if I sucked, or if it was pricing, or what.  In any case, I am still enjoying the studio and I met an amazing Pilates friend that is in same life-space as me and we are just in friend-love.  We go to classes together, play in the studio, etc. etc. and she's just great.  So many blessings and happiness have come from it, so its all good.  I still want to see where it goes and fantasize madly about buying all the equipment.  However, again, I've realized nothing replaces the magic of private sessions or a good group session; $10K can buy a lot of those. 

I don't know what to do on Friday nights, right?  I usually just want a drink and pizza and bed.  tonight we are going to a Concert of a fun bluegrass band we've seen a few times and love.  In fact, I am going to go and call my daddy because that just made me think of his sweet soul.

Summer in Chicago

It's been a fantastic, fun-filled summer.  We spent two weeks in the South of France and Italian Riviera ... I kept a separate journal on that... and then back for one week and another week in Seattle before coming back to the grind... the beauty is that summer in Chicago is not much of a grind...  lots of golf, happy hours, early departures from work, events, etc. etc.  It is a time of year that I am extremely thankful for my flexible job.  They seem to be getting stuff somewhat straightened out, albeit with monies that I have brought in.  Fine.  just don't ask me where I am or question my hours.  ha.

To sum up the trim, my mom and I did a four day French cooking school with a very opinionated French woman; four days with hubby and his mom and dad in a small town, mostly still just exploring around with my mom; then he and I took off for the beaches of the Italian Riviera and wine country of Piedmont.  It was a perfect mix of tourism and totally relaxing.  Everything was smooth and easy, flying business was such a treat, a really great fun trip. 

Seattle we spent fourth of July with Carly and the usual group at the boat house on Lake Union... fun as always, everyone getting a bit older and the weather crappy.  Worked remotely for a couple of days and then up to Vancouver Island/Quadra for the annual salmon trip... not many fish this year and to be perfectly honest at times I dread spending 12 hours on that boat.  however, waves of pure happiness and thankfulness come over me at times to be spending that time with my man and his papa.  it's really cute just to watch them.  Plus this year I bought international data plan so I had work to keep me somewhat preoccupied.   We had excessive dinner at Sushi Kashiba with Carly and she and I had a fun girl-bonding day after trying and failing to take a yoga class.  Went to Beau's beautiful, sunny wedding on a farm in Snohomish and got wasted with Alex and his wife, which was fun.  Another couple there who's name I can't remember, and the six childless of us bonded together over that (especially the girls).

I am going through a moment of thinking I don't even want a baby.  Mentally I think I have come to terms with ok, we might need help for this, so, if that is the case, why not wait a few more years?  Our house is in (beautiful, hopeful) shambles and my client base is growing and work is exciting in that way.  I read about and talk with friends about all the terrible things that can go wrong to your body and/or the baby and I get really freaked out.  I guess I've had to think about how life without kids looks and it doesn't look so bad.  Especially when all anyone ever does is complain about their kids.  So, I am back on the pill.  Doctor also says that maybe I am not getting appropriate vitamins and such because of lack of cycling so to go back on it if we are not truly anxious to have one right now.  There's that "we" thing... I haven' told hubby I'm back on, only that I was thinking about it.  Need to do that.  I don't want it to come off as a closed door, but it is also too mentally draining on me to every few weeks have a panic attack that I could or could not be pregnant and the constant vicious up and down (wanting it and then not wanting it) that comes with that.  thinking a bout women of past generations that maybe didn't have the choice and it frightens me. 

So there's that.

Two of my best friends from grade school (Shell an Jess) are coming to Chi next weekend for bachelorette antics for Shelli.  Should be a riot and so fantastic to see them and spend a few uninterrupted days bopping around the city.  In the summer.  It's so lovely.

The things life throws at you -- you just never know.  It's so crazy.  Hubby just found out one of his buddies from grad school was found dead... two kids like 3 and 7 and a wife who just lost both parents within the last year.  you feel like he was really selfish....but who knows what his struggle was....

Reading "My Struggle" by Karl Ove which is insightful and inspiring and makes me (and Kate!) want to quit life and write... in some hut in the woods somewhere with good coffee, fog, wood fire, soup, a kayak for the lake and a front porch haha.

We recently found another couple that we love, haha, a girl from my Pilates training and her husband...they are so fun and in the same stage of life as us...so many commonalities it is hilarious... both do pilates, both professionals, both have white hard top convertibles, are husbands are almost the same person in their party habits, olive skin, been to Vietnam and Cambodia, not sure where they are with kids (we haven't talked about this), just bought a house, etc. etc.  So that's been really fun.

Pilates is interesting...I've been "working" part time at Union Station teaching and it was killing me for a week so I scaled back ... I love it but I dn't have time to teach 10 hours a week.  I thought it was doable, but it is at the cost of my own exercise and sleep and cooking and I guess I realize I am not willing to give that up?  I want to complete my hours and get the certificate and then see where I am I guess.  As long as they keep letting me teach here and there and have access to the studio, I am cool with that.  Nik and I were talking about how it has taken on this life for us where it is not fun any more... I can see it morphing to that but right now I am still in love with it.  We have our test next week and then I have to finish a ton of hours before taking the PMA.  Goal is to finish in 2016. 

LIfe flies by....

I've been reflecting lately on how we (I) get so wrapped up in every day...how to get through the 5:45 wakeup through cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and everything in between... but then when one looks back at the days over the last weeks, months, years, there are very few that stand out as a remarkable day.  There are only moments, people, friendships, glances, feelings left.  It is strangely tragic - I don't know if that is the word - but it makes you want to grasp on to each one of those things for dear life when you stop and think about it. 

Last weekend kicked of summer in Chicago... Kate arrived on Friday for Damen's wedding, and we had dinner with Karen and her beau who were also in town, at the Cherry Circle Room, a historically restored place at the Chicago Athletic Association which was just lovely.  I woke up early the next morning and made us breakfast of French toast which I had been craving for weeks, then we drove to Kenosha for the wedding...it was...strange...the bride never said hi to us, the groom called Kate on the day of his wedding (they used to have some "relationship") and the day after, I felt it was missing that "passion" but who am I to judge.  Vainly, after our wedding which was so full of passion and crazy, most weddings frankly seem pretty dull!

After the wedding we went to the Brat Stop for local beers and cheese curds.  it was a hoot and we had girl talk until 3 in the morning.  Drove back home and got her to the airport.... went to work on the house with my amazing, dedicated sweet hubby ...Karen and George came by and checked it out and we went out for pizza.  It was really great.  Then on Monday we had friends over... a fun mix of our friends that happened to be in from Miami for the wedding, local new friends, and other friends from Baz's grad school.  Grilled up Wisconsin brats, drank rose, enjoyed the rooftop and just had a lovely day.

Tuesday came on strong... I can't even remember when or who but taught a few Pilates classes this week to prospect.  It gives me such joy to teach so I am really hoping I can parle it into a few steady clients per week for a) access to the studio and improving my own practice b)making some extra dough c) learning the business and d)helping other people feel happier and more comfortable in their own bodies which is the best!!

Mornings are crazy with getting down to Union Station by 6:30 or so, but it just flows right into the day and really doesn't seem to be too much, especially if I had a base f clients which is of course the hardest part.  Hubby has been getting up really early for work the past few weeks so it makes me feel less like a cray cray... it think 2 mornings max and 2-3 days after work or at lunch would be ok.  I hpe I can figure it out in time for Union to be cool with me staying on until I do!

Wednesday was exciting...I went up to Wisconsin for a photo shoot...acting as a food stager for a website for guys that design food packaging.  It was super random but fun and I made $250 and got out of the office lol.  Pretty low hourly when you count the drive time, but, whatever.  Hopefully I can get more...the owner of the studio wanted me for something in June but we will be out of town. 

So I feel like this week is just going to be so crazy...five days to prepare for being gone for two weeks... so much to do and leave in a position to be managed while I am gone.  I know everything will be fine...my para is so freaking good and amazing.  I am so blessed to have her not only as that but really more of a friend these days.  Struggling with how much to let her in on with the weirdness going on at work...don't want her to get stuck but feeling more and more like I've got Stockholm Syndrome with the whole thing.

Also, Uncle Dean was here Thursday  night!  We went for a lovely dinner at Green River...great patio overlooking the city with the most beautiful summer evening.  So great to see him...want to get past the surface but it's hard when we see each other every few months fr a couple hours.  I feel like he is a kindred spirit in that way.

This weekend was Pilates Friday and Saturday and some prep for the trip...trying to plan but not plan too much and just wing it.  Today will be working on the house all day with my hubs.  He really is amazing with this whole house thing.  It's like this whole new side of him and it is really sexy.  not that I didn't think he had it, but he is so dedicated and loving toward the whole thing, and so not lazy (like me!).  Feeling so super blessed with this man. 

Also went to the girl doctor who tells me everything is fine  bloodwork-wise and maybe I should go BACK on the pill to regulate.  I need to look for a new doctor... I just get this feeling that she is super rushed all the time and has these canned responses.  It's just such a pain to find someone new and then potentially start all over.  I'm over the hormones.  At the same time, I'm good with the status quo.

Like I said...life is flying and days are packed to the gills!

being in vegas is so wierd

I don't think I can have a normal Vegas experience...having lived here for four years (and LIVING every second of it) coming here as a tourist and especially as a work-tourist is crazy. 

Here for a real estate conference which has been fantastic... met this chick last week at our work happy hour who invited me to come with her and friends for a Sun-Tues stretch of Vegas networking...Boss man said go for it so I booked a 48 hour trip.  Things that have happened since I landed at 10 a.m. on Sunday:

• PG got me great room at Vdara.
• Cranked out SJB motion on plane.
• Met "John" at pool and basically just wanted someone to talk to so went for it and stupidly gave him my cell because I thought the girls I was hanging with would want to meet dudes.  So stupid and just dumb.  but whatever....free mimosa...wait...but then he continued to text me throughout the weekend and sent me a really creepy text about my "aura"
• Went to Bellagio to meet up with Katie and friends.  I am youngest of group but they remind me of me and my friends and are cool.  I think they are hungover, which is good, so none of us go too nuts.
• We go to a few work/networking parties and meet a lot of people that I need to follow up with.  Bond Bar and Clique at Cosmopolitan.
• Bed ....$35 quesadilla.
• Wake up
• Run
• Reserve spot at Vdara pool
• tan
• Go to lunch with D and P and F.
• Amazing
• Lago
• so good and real to be with my girl and catch up on our lives....just the best feeling in the world.  Like, catch me up on your life in 60 mins.
• Go back to Bellagio with pool with Katie and new bff N.
• Have drink to feel better and feel worse
• oh well...get in cold pool and deal
• Get ready for night two
• Meet up at Cosmo/Vaspar bar
• Veuve
• Walk into Beauty and Essex like a boss because of Flo's man.  Times your college tuition pays you back in very real ways....
• I wish I would have taken vegas more for what it was and what I had and ran with it.  Ohwell.
• Anyway...go to Marqueee...again, past all lines, for free, and drink tickets.
• party, drink, talk to people
• meet person who allegedly develops all trader joe's nationwide
• stay at club because you lived in vegas and have issues being anywhere except behind the private/velvet rope section
• walk through Cosmo and stop at craps table and meet person who owns grocery stores in Cincinnati.  Forget name.
• Feet hurt
• room...heat up quesadilla leftovers
• pass out

that's now...

xoxoxoxoxo.  what 48 hours ouch.

Reading May 2009 posts

Goodness... it has been seven years since law school graduation...I...just...can't.  That time in my life was so crazy and wonderful...I was just reading my posts about visiting with Cheprhan in the Hamptons, like a week before graduation.  Like, who does that?  Goes and stays with someone's mom...and his mom met a guy on Craigslist and he came to a bbq... i didn't remember that detail and I am so glad I wrote that post while I was there!  Incredible.

I don't know if I will look back on my early thirties with the same abplomb!  (Oh, we had the 9-5 grind and bought a house...whoopie!...as opposed to trailing around Costa Rica with my girlfriends and meeting men in bars and then traveling to see them at the house they live in with their mother)... but there is something so beautiful about our life right now and I remain sorry that I have not written more about the last seven years of our life together!  It is only memories.  Little references to my husband in our early dating years...long stretches of nothing except popping in to say "hi" and I'm happy.

Although we do still have an amazing life full of travel and little, daily adventures.  Just a good reminder of how precious every single moment is no matter where it happens.

These early morning weekend blog sessions get me so emotional!  Thank you lack of sleep.

I will add that even though I am not getting a period I totally feel these cyclical hormonal changes...like constant up and down but seems to be on some kind of cylcle.... a week or so of feeling totally bat shit crazy, angry, questioning everything, and then a week or whatever of total bliss and normalcy.  Insane.

the happy place

I'm so happy right now!  I don't know, I just have this peace and joy.  Yet I can't sleep with anxiousness (positive) and thoughts racing through my head of everything to be done!  Like I wake up so early and my mind just goes to the rabbit hole... Last night it was so bad I had to take a Mr. Z which I hate and then have counterproductive anxiety about taking anxiety medication...wtf?  But if I look inside I am so happy and thrilled with life right now!  It's so strange.  I think I just have so much on my mind that it is tough to calm down.  Between work which is going really well and I am truly thankful in this moment for the set up of independence that I have (setting all office political issues aside), Pilates, the house, trying to keep on top of food prep/eating healthy, getting my own workouts, being a good wife/daughter/friend etc... (and all not in THAT ORDER!).....it's a lot. But I wouldn't have it any other way because these are all such wonderful fun things.


I am really obsessed with my Pilates.... starting "officially" to teach tomorrow...it happened so much faster and, honestly, easier than I ever thought.  I mean, it's not easy by any means... now I have to find clients that are willing to pay real money to take private or group sessions!  Oh well, a new challenge.

Work on the house has been fun.  Baz has made incredible progress with the demo, and he is so happy to have the project and enjoys it, which is fun and great.  I love him, I don't know how I managed to get a guy like this...I guess I kissed A LOT of frogs first.  When I look back and think about the idiots that I could have/wanted to end up with (A), it is truly frightening.  Now I know why parents say they won't let their daughters date until they are 30!  Mine will be 40!

On that front, aunt flo still hasn't showed back up.  It is becoming a sort of undercurrent in my life and thank God I am so busy I don't have time to dwell on it.  And for some reason I feel this weird guilt thing when I think, you know what, now isn't a good time anyway. So maybe my bod knows that and is just going with the flow.  I know that's probably not a good scientific explanation, but again, I don't have time to worry about it.

My mom was here this week on her way to Pittsburgh; we had a fun 36 hours of showing her our new house, Pilates apparatus class, our traditional Belgian bakery, Macy's, Nordstrom, every other shop on Michigan, Eataly, and BYOB dinner at a Thai place.  It was really great to be with her; I've had my issues in the past and I feel like just taking a positive approach and realizing how precious little time we have in life has helped me a lot to get past my b.s. with mom issues.  However stuff still creeps up and I still want therapy LOL...that was another 2016 goal I haven't dealt with yet, le sigh.

Countdown to France has begun!  This time next week we will be on our way.  As usual, the work-stress involved in taking such time off is so challenging!  As opposed to Asia, I supposed I will be "reachable" so I am trying to strike the right balance of being around to deal with my clients and just enjoying life.

That's getting interesting; I want to make sure these guys stay "my" clients, but when a more senior person has the technical knowledge...sometimes I feel I am being "pushed out" on that front -- like it is easier for them to just do the work rather than have me do a draft and then have to correct it.  I hope we get another deal soon so I can put my foot down and say I AM GOING TO DO THIS ONE!

Ok, let's start this day with some hot yoga!

February 6, 2012

I just read a post from this date where I said I was thinking about getting my Pilates certification!  How funny that almost four years to the day was the first day of my training class!  I love it!

I am also a little heartbroken that I have less than half of a "year in review" post saved in my drafts for 2009.  It stops at April, which is right before I met my hubby, or actually the month that I met him the first time!  I talk about how I am going to come back to it, but I don't.  It is really interesting to read my state of mind that first few months of that year before graduating law school and embarking on "life"....so free, careless, yet apprehensive and wanting all those trappings of adult life at the same time... talking about being sad on New Years' and hoping against hope the next year would bring "good things"... obviously the man of my dreams is what I meant...and it did!  Amazing.  I am going to go check my old blog, maybe I finished off the post there but that wouldn't really make sense.