moping

so i let myself cry last night and today, mope around and feel sorry for myself becuase of the Brad engagement. i thought about the past and analyzed all the different ways my life could have gone. but the point is there was a beautiful sunset tonight, one of those big, orange, suns... and i had already decided that tomorrow is going to be a new day and i'm done being upset about decisions i have made regarding past relationships. it is destructive, counterproductive, exhausting, distracting and just plain silly. so as the clock turns tonight i am excited more than ever for the promise of a new day. (enter Celine Dion).

As usual, I felt what I needed to feel, let myself do it, and now i'm just plain worn out on the topic. life goes on. carpe diem. life is too short and too exciting. I mean honestly there are so many amazing things and experiences and people in my life i can't believe i actually wasted this day of my life (not to mention other people's time who were forced to listen to me complain) being so ridiculous. no mas.

i knew he had been on my mind for a reason

just found out brad is engaged. damn fucking facebook i knew i never went on there for good reason. he's been on my mind a lot lately and i had a dream about him last night. i guess some small vain hope in me thought i would get him again.

i feel so lonely and i went through this whole day of really regretting the way that i handled our relationship last week. i mean i know that ultimately i made the right decision, but it is just really hard to see that happening for him and not me. i am of course happy that he found someone that makes him happy but it breaks my heart to know the ring he gave me still sits in my jewelry box AND that the decision had ultimately rested with me. beating myself up over my selfishness that resulted in the destruction of that relationship. i hate this feeling.

oh, and the irony that summer 2009 was when we were going to get married. he got engaged instead. he asked me and i wouldn't have him.

back to zero

so studying for the Bar this week has not been THAT bad... i think i wore myself out with the stress the past few weeks that now i am just like whatever. not whatever about the Bar, but like, whatever, I can do what I do and I feel like I am getting it.

very comparable to first year...the same kind of stress level and unknowing-ness.

I feel like i am going through a lot emotionally, mentally, relational-ly, sexually...basically just trying to process and get through the days. it is unarticulable.

..."all i ever wanted was your life...." Chili Peppers...

So I just realized it is mid-june. That's so crazy. One of my best friends from high school is on her second marriage in a few weeks. I can remember when one year into her first, she asked me to be her divorce lawyer. I haven't had my first. so crazy how myspace and facebook etc. let you keep up with everyone's life. Amazing how perceptions and interpretations of marriage change and evolve as much as with your own experience as with everyone else's.

still talking to DJ. still concerns about emotional attachment yet somehow it is fitting. learning daily to live in the moment. Back to zero. Thailand in 1.5 months.

I feel like trolling memory lane...

and then...

my mom sent me this. Super cheesey, but still encouraging:

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear your nice clothes. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we would grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

is this what obsession feels like?

or just puppy love? or unrequited love?

WTF I can't stop thinking about Work guy. I go back and forth between thinking this is my mind's way of being distracted from Trusts and Real Property to thinking maybe something real is going on, maybe I should talk to him, gauge things. But then rational-me thinks maybe I am in this wierd life warp called bar exam and nothing is really normal and everything is tense, myself included. So it probably isn't the best time to take my feelings seriously.

I just got this waive of fear that he is going to meet someone else. I pictured it, and the accompanying feeling, and lost all focus. That would kill me. Anyways, why am I even thinking like this? I'm just wondering if maybe i should say something to him or let him know or if I am being completely unreasonable. There are plenty of fish in the sea, right?

what is it about testing that makes you crazy?

I can't explain it...but since the Bar came into focus I feel "it" slowly slipping away...and by "it" I mean my sanity.

The dumbest little things are bothering me, like the fact that my roommate ate the rest of the pizza and hasn't offered to drive. The fact that Country told my other friend that i have a boyfriend...what is motive behind this is remains to be seen...when I asked him about it he came at me like a big shot lawyer, and i was just like DUDE shut up, I am human...talk to me like a friend, not a lawyer. the fact that I want to be nothing but alone, yet am consumed by loneliness at the same time. the fact that i am being uuuubbbbber dramatic about everything, psycho about my workouts and meals and planning accordingly...the complete mood swings from bitch to Miss Sunshine.

wow. it felt good to get that down. then again, perhaps one happy side effect of the Bar is the excuse to be a little bit nutty...and it sort of defines the whole transition from "studenthood" to "adulthood"....and wow what a fun time THAT is. *enter serious sarcasm*....

i just feel and know that i need something bigger than me to get me through this time right now...and I like the good excuse not to go out every night and not feel bad or awkward about it. contrast that with feelings of being completely anti-social one minute and restless as all heck the next. yuck.

on a happier note, am still on contact with DJ. he's so cute. He's like "why are you studying so much"....which presses me on towards thinking seriously about the benefits of dating non-lawyers.


...again ...the bar...

A lot of it seems to be getting a schedule study down, which I am trying to do. it is getting easier day by day. i defintely need the structure to make myself do work. but i also need my space which freaks me out because i dn't want to spend the summer completely alone and blocking everyone out. when i do get around others it is so unusual that i feel a little nutty. what the HECK is going on!?!? I need this little adjustment phase to pass...

no one gives a damn about her hair

weeeeee Bar study....ahhhh I missed you blogger!!

for some reason Work guy has been on my mind all week...probably because I saw him last week...although slowly fading (i thank my brain for that).... maybe seeing him was a mistake, but i am trying to figure out why i cannot shake his thought...maybe it is just obsession for something to obsess over in the midst of Constitutional law and Real Property and MBE and Florida distinctions. eww.

Bought a last minute ticket to San Fran on Thursday and spent Memorial Day weekend with Dust. it was awesome...we saw Kaskade on Friday and spent Saturday pillaging Whole Paycheck, Taqueria Cancun, the pirate store and some neat shops that I can dream about affording one day. Dust had to work, so I went in search of a sourdough bread bowl and failed...wound up with amazing lasagna in North Beach and getting lost and feeling like I was in Europe meets China town.

Sunday I got up early to study, we hit a rummage sale...I passed on a "5 year plan" book and opted for the RasaExotica CD and some cool history of rural women book. Then we went to La Mar for Pisco Sours and Ceviche...felt just like being in Lima again. I want to go back there....take my mom...or a lover...what an amazing place. We went from there to the slanted door for old time sakes, then to fisherman's wharf so I could get my bread bowl...then Buena Vista for Irish Coffees and on to all-you-can-eat sushi.

We topped off the night with some wine from Whole Paycheck and watching The Reader. What an amazing film...makes me want to seduce a younger man.

Had dinner with Jank tonight...she was Ms. Positivity tonight which I really needed. We talked about the neccessity and beauty of living in the moment and where we are in our life and how bad we need to seize every moment. Possibilities in my five year plan:

1. teach for america
2. clerkship
3. man and babies
4. write a book
5. LLM


In no particular order. It is exciting to think about options.

Studying for the bar sucks...but in a sick way I like the routine and the excuse to be a little bit nutty...