let us not forget

I am going to the Hamptons on Saturday to see DJ. There is so much I want to explore and learn about him and just relax and have an amazing time. I just dont want my ridiculous emotions and freak-outedness and anxiety to get in the way of me realizing and seizing every second of what is going to happen and the wonderful experience that it is.

In the year after....

the troubled man

so...DJ and I had this conversation about dating people with "troubles"...he asked if I was still in that stage of life where I liked that...my response was that EVERYONE has their troubles...some more than others maybe...but that is what makes a person.

I look back on my past, and Lawyer was probably the first guy that I dated that had troubles and ADMITTED he was somewhat troubled. I don't mean troubled in a bad way or good way, just had issues with his life, the way he was brought up, where he was at, where he was going. To me, these are not troubles because I deal with these issues every day. We ALL have issues. It is unfair for a person to say they are a "troubled" one...although I think these artists types tend to milk that label for everything it is worth.

I wish i could sell everything I own and write a book about the experience...maybe in a few years I will. Yet, I do not feel the need to label myself as a "troubled" individual, outside of this blog.

Which raises the question...I obviously consider myself "troubled" on some level...but not the level I project to others (that I know personally).

but it is all a matter of comparison too....my basis for "troublesome" range from Lawyer who gave up the "dream" legal career and moved to South America (love it) to DJ who has parental issues to Roomie and her suicidal brother. My troubles stem from only-childism and forced religion...neither of which i consider to be particularly tough. seriously.

This whole sprained wrist thing BLOWS...but every day i am so thankful because it could be so much worse.

on another note...as Rebs says...I've reached the point with people that i know and law school experiences in general that I find myself just saying completely outlandish things just to get a response. many times i don't even care what the response is but i just want one. i just want to hear the response to i can analyze it and think wtf, did that person really just respond that way OR hmmm what can i say now to get another reaction, and what will that reaction be....

Haitian Mangoes

I just had one for breakfast, and was transported back to the beach in Montezuma, where Michi tought us how to eat the juciest mango in the world with our hands and mouth. What a beautiful time in all of our lives, and I am so so so thankful for that wonderful trip. We were all at our wits end with men and came together to make each other stronger. Since we have been back, I know Rebs has met a guy and is taking it by the reigns, and I am very happy where I"m at with guys (guy:DJ) too. I feel like I am finally strong enough again to be wise about it, but still give way to my feelings. I know that I am in a place where my life is about to change incredibly, and I am cherishing and trying to grasp the significance of every single moment.

I still cannot believe I am done with law school. Like, I have a law degree. Strange. Well I still have one exam and graduation, but the reality of it is really astounding and exciting. I don't get people that hate law school or are unhappy with their choice -- look at what you are getting! It is something to be so thankful for and proud of. I can't wait (well, I can) for graduation...to see all my family and be around loved ones. We are doing a beach barbeque and there is a reception at school for families.

Then, the Bar...dun dun dun dun....ahhhh!!!

Last day of law school...

no way!!!! Craziness...I feel so restless...but in a good way....next weekend I am going to NY to see DJ...weee....I have a trip booked tomorrow to Portland, but I am 85% cancelling it...I like traveling alone and all but I really shouldn't spend all the money and my wrist is sprained and that's kind of a pain to deal with while traveling. Staying in a hostel while trying to keep infection at bay is not cool. Will have time to travel later...go in style next time. I dunno, all these justifications but I just kind of don't feel like going any more.

Yesterday I drove up to Ft. Lauderdale to meet up with this guy I met in Costa Rica. he lives north a little bit but was down for work. We had beers on the water up there... very pretty and a new place to explore. It is so fun meeting people and having little random adventures like that. I put on my Ipod, was on the phone with DJ while going to meet Costa guy...something about it feels wrong yet that is the beauty of being young and single I suppose. I am so excited for NY trip... he lives up in the Hamptons so I am actually kind of excited to not be in the city but see a different part of the area.

it is amazing everything that has happened and changed over the past three years. life has been so good, and I've gotten to experience so much of it. All while living in paradise. Law school was definitely the right choice for me, let's just hope the career turns out to be as well!

first day of my last week of law school

i can't believe it. i basically began blogging on the old site when i was going through the admissions process, and now my last class will be on Thursday. Graduation is still a month away, but as I only have one exam I am pretty much done being a student. the hardest thing to believe is that my formal education is over. ahhhhh!

i fell off my bike Saturday, majorly spraining my wrist. Choco drove by immediately after it happened which was just funny, and then i spent 4 hours at the ER hoping I'd get a hot doctor. I'm very thankful it wasnt broken, and it feels worlds better than it did two days ago.

Yesterday we went to Jimbo's Birthday, this 82 year old guy who lives out on some city property by the water and has huge bashes every year, kind of a hidden Miami gem. It was a good time, and then we went to eat at Joe' Tiki Bar where I had gone with the evil one last year on the exact same day....kind of funny how life is so cyclical sometimes. End up being the same places the same time of year (Monty's in the fall, for example, then dates on the beach and then the holidays and starting all over...) I wonder if that kind of feeling continues post formal education?

My friend Jess came along, I basically watch everything that happens to her during the year and see myself at a similar place next year; we have a lot in common and have similar lifestyles *and yet not so similar* but she's doing the career thing and the boyfriend thing and just trying to figure it all out, and I look up to her in a lot of ways. She's very smart but she always has fun, never uptight but a good girl nonetheless. i just see my life of work work work ahead of me and the sort of dejectedness or jadedness or reality of it all that is currently setting in with her...

its such a bummer being injured, i need to do a ton of stuff around the house but i don't want to exert my hand. so i guess it is kind of a blessing in disguise and i should jsut enjoy the downtime because it is so hard for me to just relax sometimes and force myself to sit and read or watch tv. but i like that about myself too, you know? i mean at least i fell off my bike and didnt have another stupid drunk accident haha. but showering is a hassle so i'm avoiding going for a run as we speak.

i booked a flight to portland this weekend...never been there and just want to take advantage of this time that i have off to explore. however i don't actually FEEL like getting away at this immediate moment but at the same time i know i will go apeshit sitting around the apartment. as evidenced by the boredom i am feeling right now. well i guess that answers my question about whether i really want to go through with it.

thinking of going to NY the next weekend to see the DJ. update on that after i talk to him today.

samba pa' ti

as Michelle's father said: the best love song ever.

this sounds completely WHACK-O, out of left field, crack-smoking crazy. but awhile ago, on a flight, i had this wierd VISION thing of work guy. like i just saw him in my life for a really long time. weaving in and out, this constant force. WIERD, i KNOW!!! so today roomie and i were on our way home from going out on the beach last night, and i get a call from work peeps to have lunch. i at first declined because we had just bought a pizza, then i realized i wanted to go and particularly see HIM. i panicked over my outfit, my face, my hair, my smell and rolled over to the restaurant. as soon as i saw him it was like ok wow you are still the same. i still feel the same. i instantly was drawn to him as if no one else was there. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY do you have to work at my firm? but maybe that is all part of the attraction, i don't know. i mean i tend to get a little boy crazy pretty often, but this one is different. i KNOW it. something is there and festering and this was fuel to the friggin fire.

i know the first time i saw him, i thought oh boy he works at my firm, this is disaster. and i still feel the same. i just do not ever want it to end in disaster so i have been very careful with it, and i will continue to be. i just want to take all the right steps with him. i am torn between spilling that to him or just letting it ride. heaven forbid he find someone else. i would be absolutely crushed. i'll never forget when he was like, you know, we are going to be going to Christmas parties for years to come when we are both married and have families and we have to deal with this. but i want HIM to be my family. that's crazy.

emotions are so amazing, i can be so all over the board sometimes. but the spice of life is amazing and i love every minute of it.

i get more and more respect for Lawyer all the time, because he truly seized on the passion of life. i can't believe the point at life in which we met, we could not have been further from the same. and now i can see what he was doing.

we played footsie under the table and i texted him across the table to tell him i liked his cute checkered flannel-ish shirt. and his glasses. and his broken thumb. and the way he ordered a salad instead of fries. and ate the entire sandwich. and didn't touch his water. and did not want to go back to work. i wanted to tell him to come home with me and get in my bed and sleep. sleep.

give me a break, let me make my own pattern. all that it takes is some time but i'm shattered.

no, like i REALLY like you, we used to say to eachother over beers and Terrance in the back yard. his pacing. like i REALLY like you, and i'm scared of what that means for everything. what an amazing time of my life. he's going to this same party as me on Sunday, so we will see how that goes. i just hope i can keep my head on straight.

heading toward the black hole

of Bar Study...
40 days I was informed today. It is really just hitting me that I am graduating from law school next month. like i am done with school. when i started, 7 years seemed like FOREVER, but now i just can't believe it is done. and I am about to be a lawyer. wow. wtf. the last three years have been so amazing...sigh..

went to a law school alumni function tonight...mah...free wine and food... i probably should make a concerted effort to "network" at these things...but i AM shy believe it or not and just generally don't know what to say to people. talked to one guy who interviewed me second year for a high-powered firm. that was awkward. he was telling me what he does...boooorrrrring. i'm like, do you like that? he's like, yeah its challenging and we're busy. that translates to i don't know what the fuck is going on and i work a lot of hours. can't wait.

so that side of me is like get off your ass, go out every night, enjoy your freedom and your life. and then the fat, lazy, poor, dedicated student side of me wants to sleep...