Oh

my goodness. Mr. D just invited me to Hawaii.

What a great start to a new year...If I'm gonna be single, I'm going to enjoy it!

Like it's 2009...

2009 will always be the year I graduated law school...I need to do a year re-cap...NYE was fun...more on that later. In typical fashion wore ourselves out on the 30th...went to this new place Lavo for dinner...Michael Phelps was in attendance...he seemed like a fish out of water...no pun intended...we kind of felt bad for him because it just seemed like a bunch of groupies tagging along with him. Anyway then we went to the club upstairs...total madness and lots of funny antics...including underage celebrities, shots, being asked to leave the club, eating at Grand Luxe like the old days, near-miss fights, etc...typical Vegas madness...I felt like a college girl again, ha. Woke up in my friend's boss's room at the Venetian...that girl sure hooks it up.

I also saw the ex, S...we'd had dinner the first night and not gonna lie...I wanted some loving and there is nothing like the familiar...We hadn't spoken in probably over a year and I was not sure what to expect. But when things went well and I remembered why I once-upon-a-time liked him, we caught up the next day and hung out after I had lunch with my old boss. That was fun too...seems like he is doing really well, and I am happy to know that offer is still on the table. We had margaritas and fish tacos, just like the old days. He sent me an old INXS album that he says reminds me of him. I was hurting a bit (ok, a lot) from the night before but hopefully managed to form sentences and not sound or act like a complete lush. Anyway hanging with S was good...of course I go over in my head, wondering why we DID break up...or why I broke up with him...but its nice in the kind of situation we are in now...no pressure or whatever, so we were honest with eachother about all of the things that were wrong with our relationship and what is up with us now in life...I invited him to come visit if he wants...why not right?

Like I said, everyone was pooped on New Year's eve...it was tough to rage but we had some champagne, got ready at the Venetian with the girls and somehow made it until midnight...saw Fergie perform...not impressed...danced...laughed...loved...saw this HOT cop that I used to be obsessed with watching at the gym...told him so...oops. At the end of the night we went to eat breakfast and ran into more people randomly that I knew from back in the day...crashed out back in the gorgeous suite...woke up and spent the day hurting on D's mom's couch haha. I watched Dude Where's My Car...hilarious. Got on the plane last night...spent the evening with Jess and woke up to watch old church camp videos and look at pictures from childhood with her. Good times...

I'm so exhausted...running on very little sleep...glad to be home with my parents some more...but anxious to get back to my routine at home home. Happy New Year everyone!

i love planning trips

there is something invigorating about picking my seats on the flight...especially when i have enough miles for a free trip to Vancouver....YAY!!! heh...its kind of funny...I wonder who I will sit by on the plane? I'll never forget the over-eager Jewish mother on the same row as me on my last trip to L.A....telling me about the magic of her son's long distance, 8 year relationship. ha. Sometimes I feel like talking, sometimes I don't. It is always interesting to get into someone's life story. Then the guy on the way home for Thanksgiving, who was going to meet the new love of his life...someone he met online after a divorce from a cheating wife.

I always get anxious and hope no one sits directly next to me...I usually plan well enough ahead that I don't get a middle seat...and there is always the strategically placed purse in the middle or the glaring looks. Or, if I'm in a good mood, a friendly smile, and "sure, go ahead." I'll never forget Jess's inspiring story of meeting Mr. Right Now on a flight home for the holidays. Some things in life are random, some are not, and some things I guess you just never know, and it is up to one's own mind to make that determination.

Dust and his friend Leah are skiing in Whistler for a couple of days...then spending three nights in Vancouver...for which I am joining them. I will get there a day early for 24 hours of solo exploring. Looks like they've picked a sweet hotel...I'm sure I will be positively freezing...but I've never been there and why not.

time to research things to do in Vancouver!

familia

after pigging out, we took out dad's 47 Ford tractor and took some family shots for the "New Year's" letter. I laid food-coma on the couch and passed in and out of sleep...ate some coconut cream pie and watched Ice Age...we played Monopoly...and I won for probably the first time ever. Maybe law school is paying off? I actually know what a mortgage and title deed are now, so that is exciting. basically ate myself silly today and plowed through my amazing book...life is good.

A called me and we talked for a good while...what a strange strange person and situation. But I still love the kid...I guess now it has just evolved into a sisterly love. I read this in my old blog about him, shortly before we re-connected last New Years:

"there is a lot of baggage that has come between but i'm excited for the opportunity just to live and experience whatever it is that is in store for me with him. i don't want or expect anything from him -- i would like him to be needy and desperate so i can be like, ha, joke's on you. but my MO is just to be the incredible, confident, sexy girl that i know is in there and have a blast. he needs to see what he's missing."

I'm so glad I read it......the journey this year has been another amazing one, with lots of ups and downs, but i've still got everything going for me and every reason to be that incredible, confident, sexy girl. i am disgusted that i would ever think anything less.

so enough boy whining. seriously. me and my little panic attacks about the future...i swear... then i have moments (like now) when i realize how incredibly ridiculous and distorted my perspective can get at times. I heard a cool quote the other day: A life lived in fear is a life half-lived. TRUE THAT.

if i lived at home

i would probably eat myself to death. no reason NOT to dip that last piece of bread and turkey into gravy. yum. love it.

love being home for the holidays. it is even better when there is pretty white snow on the ground. no matter what ridiculous things are stressing me out at the moment, it is still Christmas, I am still home, and my parents are still here.

My last Christmas as a student...wow...eeeee...i think most people go through this crisis in college...i just extended mine a few years. what am i doing? am i even goign to be a good lawyer? what have i REALLY learned in the past few years? what have i accomplished? what can i still accomplish? have i made all the right decisions? stop having a quarter-life crisis. i'm ready for it to be gone any day now.

i sporadically get inspired with bouts of positivity about the future...and i love these moments and i know THEY are true and right. it's that whole in between part that is killing me sometimes. although i still recognize it is completely pathetic and misguided. i feel like i'm sort of digging out of a hole, and i'm digging and digging and someone just keeps pouring dirt on top ofme. i'm not giving up and i see the way out, but it is just unattainable at the moment. i mean i don't WANT any of the things that i think i want, RIGHT NOW. so CHILL.

pooo. anyway. Christmas rocks, about to lay my fat stomach under a down blanket and read "Of Human Bondage"...currently captivating me.

Crisis?

Or fear? Just sent in for an LLM brochure from NYU.

On the way back from Phoenix. LOVE the west/southwest. Sigh. Looked up LLM programs at ASU too.

Clearly still questioning my direction. Dang it. Maybe just feeling restless or something. Lonely for sure.

Merry Christmas!