bigtopworld, J.D.

Graduation week was absolutely perfect and incredible, and everything I dreamed it would be. I was once again reminded how awesome and supportive my family is, how much I appreciate them, and how much they center me back to reality.

Everyone got here Thursday and Friday...we went to Fairchild's and Monty's to eat, then caravaned to my apartment so everyone could see it. We cooked out and caught up and then Saturday we had a bbq out at Key Biscayne in Crandon Park. There was a reception on campus Saturday night for families to mingle, and it was so fun to show off my grandparents and parents. funny moments were Rocks telling my mom that I throw great parties, and Country introducing me to his dad as his "girlfriend" right in front of his real girlfriend. i had a beautiful new pink and white flowered sundress....After the reception, me, D, and Uncle went for drinks at Area 31...it was great to talk to him and get to know him a little. I've always thought he was such a neat person and it is so hard to get away from everyone and get to chat about stuff that maybe isnt so appropriate for the dinner table. He told me some family drama and we talked about books and politics and my job. Very cool.

Sunday was the big graduation day, and I woke up just thrilled and filled with adrenaline. I went over to the hotel for breakfast with the family and hung out chatting in the room and at the pool. Headed home to get ready and had to be to campus at 1. stood around with people, the majority of which I will never see again. It reminded me of college graduation a lot. The ceremony was very nice and when they conferred the degrees I just got the neatest feeling in my heart. Walking up to be hooded was very cool too, such a surreal moment. Amazing how the time flies and what a fantastic accomplishment. My mom waved wildly everytime i looked over, and later told me her and my dad were in tears when I walked on stage. I love them so much.

we had dinner at Fogo...I think everyone really got a kick out of it. the manager was very accomodating and we had delicious papaya ice cream with creme de casis topping. after I walked with my aunt and cousins to Lincoln road for souvenirs.

So I'm a J.D. now which is amazing and so exciting. Bar review class started today and 6 hours of learning was tough to deal with after all the exitement and climax of the weekend. I was so sad to leave everyone last night and it is always almost a scary feeling for me. everything was perfect and wonderful and truly went off without a hitch.

I actually feel very mentally prepared and ready to take the exam. I am looking forward to the routine and the challenge in a really sick way. it will be nice to have a very definable goal to work toward and I am pretty amazed at everything I learned just today. Its just crazy how the last three years culminated over the weekend...its like going up over a little hill, coming down, and then looking up and there is another one right in front of you. but then when you get there you don't even realize that you'd reached the top of the other one. like, I graduated law school yesterday. that's such a wierd feeling!!!!

and then

THIS comes on ITUNES.

City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man
And she won't have to worry
She'll dress up all in lace and go in style

Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is
Only given to a man with hands as cold as ice

So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes

On the other side of town a boy is waiting
with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel

She rushes to his arms,
They fall together
She whispers that it's only for awhile
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide you lyin' eyes

She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night, it's gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry

She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool

My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be

You can't hide your lyin eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes

He had a yellow Corvette

So...I went to starbucks on the beach this a.m....soy latte, extra hot. Family law study guide in hand.

This guy pulls up in a yellow Corvette. I'm partial...I love Vette's, he looks like Dwight, he has a girlfriend, he has blue eyes, he "does Real Estate," I'm lonely, I have coffee, I don't want to study. Recipe for perfection.

We chat for awhile about the mundaneness of life. My job, his job. I head to the beach for sun. He joins, after trying to get me a margarita and failing. He told me about quantum mechanics and how his friend has a seaplane. He wants to take me for a ride. I think about how i TOTALLY know his type. I am doing whatever he says for the next 6 hours. We both need something right now.

So, I have this damn review session at 2. I go. Then he calls me. Then I meet him at Key Biscayne, and only paid $0.95 of the toll b/c I thought it took Sunpass. His friend takes me up in an Aerospace Superlight or some ridiculous machine that is half rowboat, half sea plane. Its like parasailing with a motor instead of a boat. Totally hot. We see Madonna's house, Charley Sheen's house, Rosie O'Donnell's house, etc and then we fly by my home and office. I waived at the ole' Plaza to say hi to my future life. I am in a sea plane right now. Over the bay. With the friend of someone I met at Starbucks this morning.

Corvette boy says he wants to call me. I ask him what his girlfriend thinks of that. He says he isn't going to tell her. I told him that is his decision to make. Grimy. Use somebody...Kings of Leon...aren't we all?

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see
painted faces fill the places i can't reach

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

and all you know
and how you speak
countless lovers undercover of the street

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

off in the night,
while you live it up, i'm off to sleep
waging war to shake the poet and the beat

i hope it's gonna make you notice
i hope it's gonna make you notice
someone like me
someone like me
someone like me

go and let it out
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see

the morning after

strange feeling today...like it was all some kind of dream.

Airtrain to Jamaica...all aboard track 8...

Thus how it began...and ended....

Made it home today in a bittersweet cloud of love and hate. love of the experience, hate of the crash, but overall love and sweetness of the beauty of the paradox between the two. Watching him walk away again, onto the train as the conductor made the final call, I shed a tear or two and grasped the moment of my life.

The first grasped moment of the trip was making out in the train the entire journey to Bridgehampton, and just feeling like a beautiful young lover in his arms. There was a woman across the aisle reading "Connecticut Design" and I hoped that I am never her. I hope i am always riding a train, lovingly.

Then there was the woods. He wanted to test me, I think. One of the self-proclaimed laziest people ever all of a sudden wanting to climb hills and explore bunkers. I was game...and when he grabbed me and kissed me at the crest of the hill with the sun trying to break through...wow. He ripped off his shirt and we fell to the forest floor, mosquitos buzzing around his head and clothes haphazardly strewn around. This followed by more exploring and rule breaking.

Another grasped moment was this morning in the sheets...the cover was the color of his eyes and his skin the color of the walls under the shine of the sky light. The colors seemed so vibrant and perfectly matched. It was this beautiful ray of blue and white light in my life of craziness and confusion and vibrance and color.

I wonder what was going through his head at any given moment...the way one minute mine would be blank and the next swirling. It took me a good day to settle in and feel normal, and then I realized I had to grasp every single second of this amazingness.

The first time his mom took interest in what I do was in the car on the way to the train...but I actually like that. For some reason I feel like I was not validated to her until the end -- maybe something changed in his behavior that she sensed...or maybe I am being crazy. But I'm onto this whole tension and sensation thing now...and how noticeable these things are between people if you pay attention, and how to reign it in.

He's just amazing...and we are better together. It is clear that he needs a motivating force in his life. There are concerns, warning signs if you will, and I intend to keep my head. But i can't think about that now...I don't know how much time to spend on it. I don't know what our boundaries are. and I don't know if I want to know.

Anyway, I got home and instead of stewing around the house in madness roomie and I headed to a Cinco De Mayo celebration down the street. Sure enough her ex's friend walks in and they start chatting; naturally i start chatting with his other friend. Long story short, the guy is cool and the three of us sort of break off and have group therapy...trade recent relationship stories and bounce thoughts off eachother.

And it occured to me that my life is becoming about business now. no more school. Like when I meet people I have to be concerned about my professional reputation as well as my personal reputation. And i have to be double on guard for getting screwed personally OR professionally. Yuck.

DJ has this vagabond existence; It brings out that free spirit in me, which I like. But it makes me question a lot of stuff that I do not feel like getting into right now. Things I have already been questioning and are just brought up to the surface. Aye, I thought it would get easier.

Craigslist and learning about people

So, I find myself in the Hamptons at DJ's moms house. She turns out to be legitimately cool...and I definitely see where he comes from. Something strange about meeting one's parents so early in the game.

He met me at the airport and I ate at a buffet style, cash only place in Queens. We were too cash poor; he had taco bell. Rode the LIRR and watched the working class meld into million dollar Westport mansions.

We went for a hike down the street and looked out to the ocean, after a nap, heavy petting, and some talks.

This guy his mom met on Craigslist comes over and we barbeque. I make pigs in a blanket, there are hot dogs and apple pie. Astronaut farmer and he had to leave to work as a bouncer at a sweet 16. Yes, I want to see craigslist guy's hundreds of pictures of the underwater world of the Phillipines.

Where am I and how did I get here? I love it.

let us not forget

I am going to the Hamptons on Saturday to see DJ. There is so much I want to explore and learn about him and just relax and have an amazing time. I just dont want my ridiculous emotions and freak-outedness and anxiety to get in the way of me realizing and seizing every second of what is going to happen and the wonderful experience that it is.

In the year after....