Airtrain to Jamaica...all aboard track 8...

Thus how it began...and ended....

Made it home today in a bittersweet cloud of love and hate. love of the experience, hate of the crash, but overall love and sweetness of the beauty of the paradox between the two. Watching him walk away again, onto the train as the conductor made the final call, I shed a tear or two and grasped the moment of my life.

The first grasped moment of the trip was making out in the train the entire journey to Bridgehampton, and just feeling like a beautiful young lover in his arms. There was a woman across the aisle reading "Connecticut Design" and I hoped that I am never her. I hope i am always riding a train, lovingly.

Then there was the woods. He wanted to test me, I think. One of the self-proclaimed laziest people ever all of a sudden wanting to climb hills and explore bunkers. I was game...and when he grabbed me and kissed me at the crest of the hill with the sun trying to break through...wow. He ripped off his shirt and we fell to the forest floor, mosquitos buzzing around his head and clothes haphazardly strewn around. This followed by more exploring and rule breaking.

Another grasped moment was this morning in the sheets...the cover was the color of his eyes and his skin the color of the walls under the shine of the sky light. The colors seemed so vibrant and perfectly matched. It was this beautiful ray of blue and white light in my life of craziness and confusion and vibrance and color.

I wonder what was going through his head at any given moment...the way one minute mine would be blank and the next swirling. It took me a good day to settle in and feel normal, and then I realized I had to grasp every single second of this amazingness.

The first time his mom took interest in what I do was in the car on the way to the train...but I actually like that. For some reason I feel like I was not validated to her until the end -- maybe something changed in his behavior that she sensed...or maybe I am being crazy. But I'm onto this whole tension and sensation thing now...and how noticeable these things are between people if you pay attention, and how to reign it in.

He's just amazing...and we are better together. It is clear that he needs a motivating force in his life. There are concerns, warning signs if you will, and I intend to keep my head. But i can't think about that now...I don't know how much time to spend on it. I don't know what our boundaries are. and I don't know if I want to know.

Anyway, I got home and instead of stewing around the house in madness roomie and I headed to a Cinco De Mayo celebration down the street. Sure enough her ex's friend walks in and they start chatting; naturally i start chatting with his other friend. Long story short, the guy is cool and the three of us sort of break off and have group therapy...trade recent relationship stories and bounce thoughts off eachother.

And it occured to me that my life is becoming about business now. no more school. Like when I meet people I have to be concerned about my professional reputation as well as my personal reputation. And i have to be double on guard for getting screwed personally OR professionally. Yuck.

DJ has this vagabond existence; It brings out that free spirit in me, which I like. But it makes me question a lot of stuff that I do not feel like getting into right now. Things I have already been questioning and are just brought up to the surface. Aye, I thought it would get easier.