that was gross

i really disgusted myself last night. i let my jealousy completely take control and caused a huge fight. What he said to this girl was, I thought and still think, disrespectful to me and uneccessary. However, I have had underlying issues against her all along and this was my chance to bring it up. Instead I flipped it on him and made him the bad guy. He takes the position that he's just a joker and that is his personality and i need to just deal with it. But at the same time when he crosses the line that makes me upset, he needs to know without throwing it back at me like I am an overreactive baby. The girl in me gets upset. I admit I should have just let it go, but I was upset that he wasn't understanding why upset in the first place and then refusing to recognize that what he said was offensive.

So we kind of fought in the street and he took off and went home and I went home. That is the first time we ever had a fight where we separated like that...so it leave sme wondering if relationships just have to progress that way. I mean I NEVER want that to happen again. Even this morning I was wretched inside and still mad but I would rather him have been next to me instead of the playing "who is gonna call first" game. ugh. I mean I am just disgusted. Like my jealousy of this friendship he has with this girl is just exhausting which i now realize. Honestly I know I am too hard on him sometimes but that is because I am afraid that if I'm not I will get taken advantage of like I have in the past. And while I believe with every bone in my body that he is not that type of guy, I am also of the opinon that letting things slide all the time will result in creating some level of "That type of guy."

anyway I do need to make a concerted effort just to love him more, you know? Like go out of my way for him and do things that I know he likes. I think some of that has fallen off on my part as this thing has gone on. One year in two weeks :) I've been feeling kind of down for unexplained reasons and generally kind of blah and wondering a lot about direction and what i'm doing and what it's all about. But at the end of the day having him is the best thing in my life and has really become the center of it. Which, at the same time, I get scared that it is unhealthy. I mean obviously an all-consuming relationship is not a good thing; but at the same time love is a beautiful amazing thing and if I want to spend all my time and devote all this to someone, why shouldn't I?