le summer

is halfway over :(

my life has become measured by the buildings going up around me, that when i started the lease had unobstructed views of Miami...now I look directly at a new apartment building -- don't even get me started on the color scheme -- a school, and now the first traces of a hotel. yuck. i heart this building, but soooooo over the noise. the smells of morning in the elevator. the lap pool...the insane valet situation...the beautiful, big, sunny windows....my hammock. i've really been spoiled here which makes finding a new place ridiculous.

just got back from inlaws' for the fourth of july-- interesting visit with the in-laws. I feel like mom is a little standoffish, at least at first. so much so that now reflecting, i found myself tied up with the 5 year old granddaughter teaching her about mermaids and dressup....avoidance? i guess i can't blame mom -- but i do get sick of suggestions that we move back to seattle. My strongest argument (that I can say to her face) is that it is too rainy and cold for me. the truth is somewhat further away. i starts something like, I don't want my children learning your language so that everyone around me can converse and I can't like you do too often as it is... i know that is your culture and who you are and you want to hold on to the old ways or whatever. but i'm sorry i don't like when you tell your son in a foreign language that i don't understand, in front of me, that i will be making dessert, and THEN complain that the dessert is not that great. i left out the sugar because you wanted it out. maybe your spoiled ass little grandchildren don't need to eat fish everynight that costs $12 a pound. phew that felt good.

but by the end she's all hugs and tears and friends. inviting my parents up for thanksgiving -- which he said was his parents' idea -- come to find out that it was actually his idea which he pinned on me in front of his mom. wtf??? then there was the comment that she's not sure why he likes me....well maybe he should just go find a good home-bodied (insert nationality here) girl like his sister who has not worked a day in her life but sure can speak the language. on that note, I actually really like the sister, and I feel like she is at least to some degree on my side. not that there are sides or anything. but you know, in-laws. they are always going to take ONE side or the other.

i hate sounding bitter and gripey, i mean they really are a great family but i think we are all still feeling eachother out. i just kept thinking the whole time that i was there,like, this is going to be a lifetime struggle. and it made me question, you know, my dad's relationship with my grandparents and my mom's relationship with my dad's parents...and as far as I know there was not one. however, my dad goes to visit my mom's parents when he is back east so i find that somewhat intersting. of course i was young when my dad's parents were around -- but it has always struck me that we never spent summers with them, i always got sent to PA with my mom's parents. which is AWESOME, but i'm just saying. even as a child i noticed a discrepancy.

in any event, marriage to me is FOREVER -- and i now realize to some degree or am trying to realize, the implications of actually marrying a family. and things chaaaaaange over the years....seeing how my possible in=laws talked about my bf's sister's husband as theya re in the midst of trying to avoid divorce...it was like all his fault. as an outside observer i think he is completely justified in his behavior. i won't even get into how awkward it was having dinner with him there and dying, just dying, to ask him what i was getting myself into. and the awkward silences stemming from me knowing more than i probably should, but at the same time only knowing one side of the story and feeling his pain.

it was strange because i was feeling all tense about it during the weekend, and then by the last day when we were leaving, like, i didn't want to leave. i got teary and sad and felt like i was coming back to be here all alone. often on my thoughts was my bf's statements over and over again that he moved away first to LA then to MIA to avoid his overbearing mother. and HOW does one approach the subject of their significant other's mother with their significant other???? i mean, obviously my mother has had her moments too so i need to keep a very close check on myself getting carried away.

in OOOOOTTTTHER news...i wonder waht is up with my parents' marriage anyway. my mom was gone for 10 days on a trip, got back for a few, my dad left to his hometown for a month. my mom works a lot when she is home, and all she talks to me about it seems like is her work drama with Dr. P and the bevy of women he is involved with following his wife's tragic death. She needs to live in a city. I feel like she is so stifled out there, but my dad just doesn't get it and won't budge. wow marriage looks better and better every day.

i love my bear, i want him home.