Turning 32

Officially in a few hours!  Such a nondescript age... not like 21, or 25, or 30.  I guess the next big one is 35 but I'm in no rush!.  At least I am still closer to 30 than 35...errrr.... yeah.  Whatever, I guess I am not really one to get hung up on age, and 31 was a really great year.  I paid off my student loans, finally somewhat have the feeling of "financial freedom," finally feel like I am caught up there.... been really pushing at work and have been very blessed with some extremely valuable introductions that are leading to real business.   Starting to see results of hustling and pushing and putting my career and business development ahead of work -- and so blessed to have a boss that sees the value in that -- despite all the background noise about him and the place...whatev is all I can say for now.

My husband is amazing and we are in a good place.  We are happy and secure and ready to start looking for a home/project.  He's so good to me, even when I give him every reason not to be by being an absolute terror.

Starting to really get over the drinking scene, or more what happens to me in the dark place that is no longer fun, which then creates a string of anxiety in its wake.

Doing acupuncture pretty faithfully relative to the total loss of my cycle for 10 months now after going off the pill.  because that is super freaky.  I try not to think about it and told myself I would give it a year before doing the message boards, specialists, treatment.  Eeeps.  I am planning to order some herbal stuff to try to work it from that angle but I really just feel like it is hormones and crap that got me into this mess and an hesitant when the doctor is so ready to shove them down my throat.

At the same time, I am like terrified to take a pregnancy test, which, frankly could be positive given that I haven't had a cycle or taken one for at least more than two months.  I guess I just don't feel like anything is different so I push it to the back of my m ind because I still have these crazy mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Anywho, trying not to make that my defining thing at the moment.  If nothing else, it is giving me an amazing time to focus on work and get ahead there while I can so that if/when we have a baby I can have good flexibility (and this is when I freak about taking the test because I'm not so ready, just want to be sure things are ok). 

In other news, my hubs is about to make me a charcuterie platter for my birthday dinner!  ta ta.

life is good.

August 2015.

Stella visited, we did the touristy things, stayed out too late, drank too much, ate too much and had friends therapy.
We played a lot of golf.  Had biggest fight ever about money, but it had to happen, spent the next day hungover and upset at North Avenue Beach watching the water show.  Had dim sum with Bryce and his little family.
I did am/doing acupuncture for fertility.  I like it.  Can't explain it but it does seem to provide some sort of release.  And has bizarre, good effect on bowel movements.  Hopefully all the other cycles get back on board too.  Finding out a friend is having her second today sort of felt like a knife in my chest for a minute.  I keep telling myself... I'm 31.  Almost 32.  Twins.  It will be all good.
We went to Michigan for a weekend -- stayed in Bear Lake, played golf at Pinecroft and Thoroughbred... made love on the golf cart in the rain as we were the only ones around.  one of my favorite courses ever and not just 'cuz of that ;)  Jumped in the crystal clear waters of Lake Michigan at Sleeping Bear Dunes and had dinner at Seven Monks in Traverse City.  Enjoyed a bed and breakfast and spending time in the car together.  Looked into finding morello cherries -- no luck.  Dinner on the water in Saugatauk.
Sold the Florida condo -- made $180,000 on it in four years -- paid off all of my student loans and much of hubby's.  Finally, finally light at the end of the financial tunnel.  It feels incredible and not quite real yet.  Happy to be 100% here, not having to still deal with a property down there -- so funny, because we said we would never, ever sell it.  It was a beautiful place and I hope the new folks are happy there.  We may regret it one day, but I sure don't regret having those loans paid off and having some cash to set aside for safety and a rainy day.
Trying to figure out what to do for Labor Day... stay in town, or take off on a crazy adventure because we can.  We have a ton of fun trips coming up to see the Seahawks play all over the Midwest.
Went to Mothership in Ohio twice.... it's good to go down there and see/hear how things work at this job. I get nervous about some of the antics I hear about -- dont' want to be an ostrich, but a lot of seems to not affect me and I am perfectly happy to not know about other people's decades-long issues with the firm.  But I don't want that to be me one day and feel trapped because I've had it so good for so long but could have it better -- but you just never know.  And I, as much as anyone, learned that the hard way leaving my first job... yet it all turned out perfect and the right way in the end.  It always does.  Positive, fun, exciting things happening at work though -- on the verge of something really big in furtherance of my independence, but will also create a strange dependence... having a client that is "mine" but for which i would need to essentially outsource the work because I don't know it -- yet....

Onward, September!  Six years at this game of law as of the Monday after labor day -- taht is hard to believe.  I am happy that I like it.  it still challenges me, interests me, tires me, and makes me crazy.  I am happy to be debt free -- not from it, but from the wisdom of my husband and his immense sweat equity.  but the jobs haven't hurt either.

moi.

What is going on?

Trying to keep the crazy at bay.  I haven't had AF in six months, since going off the pill.  I wonder if it has been even longer that something was not quite right but disguised by pill?  Ack.  Everyone says to just relax, but it is hard when your body and very femininity is not functioning properly.  I'm scared.  I wake up in the night thinking "what if" I can't have a baby.  I am trying to have faith and be comfortable and confident that everything will be ok.  Technology can go a long way.  I don't want that though, I want it the old fashioned way.  there is nothing like the fear of thinking you might not be able to have a baby to make you want a baby!  I still get nervous taking a PT... but realizing more and more what a blessing it is.  But then frustrated and a bit angry by women who seem to get pregnant just from being looked at. 

Going on the internet to research is probably counter-productive.  Reading about percentage chances of this and that.  Doc says everything fine, this is normal, this happens.  Starting acupuncture next week.

I don't think I am stressed at work.  Work is pretty good, I have to say.  I am not super stressed about billing, there is some running around but nothing that isn't fun on some level to handle.  But sometimes I do notice myself holding tension in my body.  More yoga? 

Work...had a long talk with RV about it today....wondering our direction, but so content where we are too.  What is this place?  Bounced checks...rumors of nefarious spending... but such minimal oversight and stress and yelling and deadlines that I can deal for now.  And learning, still learning and still challenged.

Visited my grandparents over the weekend.  Woke in the night with heart breaking for them.  I feel like they could be sad, but they have such hope and faith and confidence.  BUt I still feel like they are probably lonely.  But when I'm there, I feel generations apart and at times not sure how to connect.  Hopefully just being there is enough.  It makes me even more scared for the future if we can't have a baby.  Ok, see the crazy?  that conclusion is so far off, I have to stop it. 

Thinking through

There was a little gold ring with an opal shaped heart in the middle and diamond flecks on each side.  This was to be worn on my left hand until the day i married, and given to me in a ceremony of sorts, in which I sat in our upstairs living room and my father put this on my finger.  or maybe I grabbed it out of the box instead.

My parents (mom?) wanted me to have a purity ring.  It was something espoused by abstinence based religious organizations, and was intended to symbolize a girl's bond with her father, and more importantly, her virginity, until such time as she was married to a nice Christian man and shared her virginity with him.  I think there might have been a special service about this at my church, or maybe some youth event with lots of prepubescent girls screaming allegiance, but i can't remember.

But I can remember seeing the ring in the window of the jewelry store, and wanting it.  My  mom explaining the purity thing to me, and basically telling me I would get the ring if I would make this commitment... to my family...to my church... to myself... to my future husband.  I don't know what my conception of "sex" or "virginity" or "love" was then -- I think I knew that I didn't know.  Mom told me it was magical.  I don't honestly know if I ever intended to stay a virgin until my marital bed, but I know that I intended to own and wear that ring, because it was pretty.

So, on my birthday (was it 13?) I received the ring.  I think we sat around the living room, and maybe my dad put it on my hand, maybe we prayed.  I don't recall being particularly stricken by the moment, other than being excited for the ring, and yes, excited for this prize that I held for my future husband, unsure yet just what that was.

Fast-forward through college and beyond.  The first boyfriend was special, the rest were not.  I struggled with guilt at trying to be "promiscuous" and being restrained by this ring (which had long since ceased to be worn).  I did still wear it sometimes to stave off potential suitors, and I can remember being asked in my freshmen college English class -- by someone on the football team -- what it meant...stumbling over it because I didn't know any more.

My first year of law school.  I have been sexually active on and off for about 4 years, no more partners than the number of years.  I've never spoken to my mother about this, and am horrified by thought of a gynecological exam.  I would never have one - anyway - because that must mean I was sexually active.  But my best friend is diagnosed with cervical cancer.  No matter -- I could never have a Pap, because it would show up on my parents' insurance and they would know I was having sex.  No way.  I wait.  I wake in the night terrified I could have cancer, or some crazy disease, but I've never been tested because I am too afraid my parents would find out.

finally, I can't wait any more.  I am just too afraid.  I owe this friend my life, or at least my fertility.  I go to the gyno for the first time, I am so completely horrified.  I receive a call a few weeks later,and the worst thing I suspected is true -- I have precancerous cells growing in my cervix.  I feel guilty, I feel shame, i feel dirty.  I have no idea who did this to me.  The doctor and nurses tell me something like 75% of the population has this disease, this HPV.  It doesn't matter -- I need some sort of gyno surgery -- something I know can't be hidden from my parents because of the costs and insurance issues involved.  Terror ensures.

The terror of telling my mother (I can remember being drunk, it was night, I was in a car, and trying to say it nonchalantly) was nothing compared to the terror of actually going to the surgery, completely alone.  Tears were streaming down my face during the otherwise routine procedure.  I had asked ahead of time to be giving relaxing drugs, but when I arrived, they told me I wouldn't need it -- it was routine.  No matter, i was as tense as a tight rope and crying the whole time.  The nurses cooed to me in Spanish.  They didn't have these problems.  The room was, of course, white and sterile.  I can remember all of the pregnant women in the lobby, and being able to see the ocean from the window as i lay straddled.  how nice, Miami Beach.  Afterward, they gave me some percosets and told me to watch for bleeding.  The pain i felt inside was much worse.  The lights in my apartment seemed extra bright, my bed not soft enough, the blankets not warm enough.

Since this experience, innumerable friends and acquaintances have told me they also had a Leep, the scientific name for this procedure.  However, none have experienced the agony that I went through.  When I try to figure out why, I blame the ring.

I am ashamed...

That an entire year - 2014 - passed without a single entry by me!  Ahhhh-- fail!  A quick re-cap?  Started a new job in January (still love it), took the bar in February, went to wedding in Mexico on Valentine's day, March, just bearing through the winter.  In April I passed the bar, we went to Vegas and Milwaukee for Cub's Brewer's game for our anniversary, May, June and July passed in a blur of Chicago summer fun -- festivals, baseball games, shopping, eating and drinking outside at every chance, buying a grill, making new friends, fishing in Canada.  August and September the hubs was working out of state... that gave me the chance to make some girl friends and explore on my own -- which is fun but lonely and made me appreciate him ever so much more.  Settled into the job by then.  October we went to Sonoma and Napa and November hosted the in laws for Thanksgiving.  Christmas was with my family in Colorado at the hot springs and we rang in the new year in Chicago at a fun 20's themed party.

To say that is a summary is ridiculous, but that is what comes to mind.  It was a fantastic year; we love our new city, so much that we are looking for a house.  Which means we have to sell our condo.  sad, but we feel very fortunate to hopefully make decent money on it.  I am so happy tolike my job; I thought we would just move, I would find some crap job to pay the bills, and then we would move again in a few years to somewhere exotic.  Honestly, I think we are both exhausted of moving and really feel like we want to put down some roots and commit to something.  Crazy... is this called adulthood?

We just got back from an amazing Southeast Asia tour, which I kept a written diary on.

Currently, I am in Toronto with PD & A.  We have had a great crazy time.  We are so funny -- nothing cultural, just eating and drinking our way around the city -- I guess that is our way of experiencing culture.  It just works for us.  I would love to do more shopping, but hey I guess this keeps me out of trouble ;) We've ate at Black Hoof, had dim sum, walked to the waterfront, stopped in an Irish pub, want to the Distillery District and had poutine and beers, bought some cutsie artisan food and browsed the boutiques, tried to go to Panorama for overlook of the city but it was closed, so we went to People's for creative Asian/middle eastern fusion type goodies.  Now back at our airB N B -- tomorrow we go to Niagara Falls.  Went there when I was maybe 12? with my grandparents and mom.  I remember going up in one of the "needles" and having salmon that I thought was really good.  (Before I had the salmon my hubby caught and brought to me in the law library -- yum).  I can remember the cold of the mist, and the beautiful houses on the road from the border to the falls.  I remember being fascinated by the stories of people that went over the falls in barrels. 

Miss my honey.  He had a crazy health "event" in December which scared us all the way it snuck up and how horribly unprepared we are for something like that.  Grounded us a bit, if anything.  We have pulled the plug on the b.c. (not just because of that) and let's see how that goes ;)  So far, aunt flo hasn't made an appearance since I stopped the pill.  I hope everything is ok. 

The last day of 2013!

It has been a really good, crazy, life changing year.  Started my business, developed a client base, moved cities.  Went to Europe and Mexico and St. Augustine and the Keys and Pittsburgh and Vegas twice.  Received a job offer to start a great opportunity in the new year.  Didn't save as much as I would have liked, but didn't go in the hole too bad either which was my goal for the business - stay at least equal.

It's snowing and cold, but beautiful.  We are going to a (new) friend's house tonight for dinner and then the plan is to come home early.  I really can't stand the thought of the bar scene and, besides, we went out last night too for our big harrah.  I am really looking forward to 2014 and achieving some very definable goals.  The main one, somewhat unfortunately, being tied to money and saving a certain amount of it.  Also, I need to get a grip on my negativity which, at times, is almost overwhelming like I can't see the sun that is life despite knowing innately that it is all around, surrounding me.  I'm not sure what the cure for this is -- a lot of it comes from self-doubt, but where does that come from?  Read an interesting book recently (Lean In) which suggests, for women, this is just something that we have and have to deal with.  Men don't have it, and likewise it doesn't hold them back.  I don't know that I would say explicitly it has held me back, but at the same time, where would I be "if I wasn't afraid" as the author asks?  I'm not really sure, but for me I think it is more "where would I be if I didn't let negativity cloud my perspective on everything."  Like, automatically assuming the worst or the bad outcome, using poor language that has negative connotations, just being a nasty gross person sometimes.  I am afraid of what returning to a demanding job might have on this personality issue as well.  I really want to strive to overcome the negativity while channeling the positive to achieve goals and make things happen. I want to publish three articles.  At least three new clients.  Save the money.  Call my Grandma and Grandpa more, call my parents more.  Listen to what people are saying.  Give encouragement and compliments freely.  Use the phone more, instead of texting or emailing.  Send thank you notes whenever possible.

We have a few mandatory-type wedding trips planned, and I know Hubs wants to go to Nepal.  I don't see it happening this year, but maybe.  Otherwise, I'm not sure there is any exotic place I want to go this year… maybe explore the midwest some -- Wisconsin, camping, even get to the Dakotas or Kansas or something.  The US is so full of possibilities, and I love traveling abroad, but really I think I have checked off the immediate places I want to go (except of course, truly exotic locales like the Seychelles and random Vietnamese Islands that are just not a realistic possibility this year with me starting a new job -- and I hate that -- but couldn't afford it otherwise, so hey).

The big looming thing at the end of 2014 is to start thinking about having a baby.  I am still not sure how I feel about this.  Yes, I want a child and yes I am terrified that for some reason I will not be able.  On the other hand, the thought completely freaks me out, everything from the actual pregnancy itself, weight gain, changes to my body (there I said it, selfish), not getting sleep, trying to keep a job, bills, bills, bills, us achieving our personal and financial goals while having an infant, etc.  I know everyone has these same concerns and they all seem to manage. I think the biggest thing for me is control -- needing to have dinner on the table, needing the house to be clean, needing organization and some level of structure while at the same time retaining the ability to be spontaneous.  I'm not sure how a baby, blessing that it is, fits with that.  I guess I have a year or so plus 9 months to figure it out.

So long 2013.  you've been awesome.

New year, new me... again?

It is also "that" time of year, but really, for once I am setting some serious, defined goals.  Not "lose weight" or "be a better person."  I am going to make an actual real, physical, touchable vision board next week.  And I have been spending a lot of time thinking about these goals, particularly with starting a new job in a new city and all of that.  I have been given a "start over" AGAIN, not that I am running or hiding from anything, but that sense of newness and freshness is always good and encouraging.  Trying to remember what it thought I was I wanted when I started this journey -- a lot of it I've got, and a lot of it (that I don't got), I have lost sight of for some reason. 

Does getting married make you boring?  I was reading over some old Christmas-time posts from 2008, just months before I met my dearest.  I was in love with, like, four people.  Too funny.  I feel so much more mentally stable and secure now, yet not at all.  I am 100% sure in our relationship and him, know that is not going anywhere, but I am scared that I could do something incredibly stupid at any moment that would change the direction.  I don't consider myself an extremely volatile person or anything like that and in fact I am quite stable compared with some very dear friends.  But, I guess it just makes you realize how we grow and change without even really knowing it.  I remember that hateful feeling of restlessness and sadness at the holidays without having anyone to call on Christmas, etc.  Now, here I am in the city of my hubby's parents and freaking out about various opinions of his mother and trying to not be overcome with some negativity.  oy oy oy.