What is going on?

Trying to keep the crazy at bay.  I haven't had AF in six months, since going off the pill.  I wonder if it has been even longer that something was not quite right but disguised by pill?  Ack.  Everyone says to just relax, but it is hard when your body and very femininity is not functioning properly.  I'm scared.  I wake up in the night thinking "what if" I can't have a baby.  I am trying to have faith and be comfortable and confident that everything will be ok.  Technology can go a long way.  I don't want that though, I want it the old fashioned way.  there is nothing like the fear of thinking you might not be able to have a baby to make you want a baby!  I still get nervous taking a PT... but realizing more and more what a blessing it is.  But then frustrated and a bit angry by women who seem to get pregnant just from being looked at. 

Going on the internet to research is probably counter-productive.  Reading about percentage chances of this and that.  Doc says everything fine, this is normal, this happens.  Starting acupuncture next week.

I don't think I am stressed at work.  Work is pretty good, I have to say.  I am not super stressed about billing, there is some running around but nothing that isn't fun on some level to handle.  But sometimes I do notice myself holding tension in my body.  More yoga? 

Work...had a long talk with RV about it today....wondering our direction, but so content where we are too.  What is this place?  Bounced checks...rumors of nefarious spending... but such minimal oversight and stress and yelling and deadlines that I can deal for now.  And learning, still learning and still challenged.

Visited my grandparents over the weekend.  Woke in the night with heart breaking for them.  I feel like they could be sad, but they have such hope and faith and confidence.  BUt I still feel like they are probably lonely.  But when I'm there, I feel generations apart and at times not sure how to connect.  Hopefully just being there is enough.  It makes me even more scared for the future if we can't have a baby.  Ok, see the crazy?  that conclusion is so far off, I have to stop it.