dependency

it is amazing how quickly a person can come into your life and completely change it. For better or worse, we become dependent so quickly.

Our relationship recently hit a transition point... we had a few fights, a few moments of disrespect, and a few moments of oh, crap, I need this person. I won't go into the details but one of them involves something he said about me, to my boss, that was completey disrespectful. Now, that being said, in my heart I kind of don't think he actually said it, but instead that my boss or his girlfriend who heard it misinterpreted. BUT, he also said something to me right before that makes me think he WAS capable of saying what he said. I mean it really disguts me what he said, and the fact that he said it to my boss is humiliating. but we all make mistakes...but it was just shocking to me because he has never acted in the least bit disrespectful to me.

so that is what makes me think we are reaching that "comfort" zone where he is getting a little lippier, a little drunker around me, etc. which is what i HATE about relationships. i love the first few months of deceit, i guess. which maybe has been my problem in the past, like i can't get past the point where you have to just accept someone for who they are, faults and all. of course there is a fine line when respect issues are on the line and stuff...and for that reason, my radar is out and finely tuned right now... i don't want to get fooled the way i did with the Virus.

and beyond that, the other thing i hate about relationships is feeling like i am losing my independence. no matter how much you think you are independent and don't need anyone, a relationship makes you realize how much more pleasant and easy life is when you have someone to count on.

it is all a love-hate thing for me, constantly.

beyond that, work is good. i'm starting to settle in, but i still feel sooooo lost. but i thank God every day for my ocean view :)

the devil wore black sweats

And a pink top that got her all over thailand. This time two months ago I was well on my way.

i fucking hate emotions. I hate how i feel right now...torn up, exhausted, no end in sight. just all over the board, shocker. waiting for my own boyfriend to get his shit together. digesting the problems that are starting to come out. and just trying to deal with it and knowing that no one is perfect, mostly me. i mean i am completely blameful in this situation but i still want to angst at him.

tryyyyyying to be strong. what do words really mean anyway?

having my cake

and enjoying it.

I swear, they are on opposite schedules. One is out of town, the other is here. One is perfect, the other one...I can pick out flaws like strawberries. But for some sick reason it is still fun to somehow tease myself with the past...even the future.

I guess this is all part of falling in love...it is truly amazing how the past and its accompanying baggage has just faded into this wierd haze of fun memories, tinted with rose and all. At the same time, the past is defining, and strong and even beyond that I feel like I almost owe it to my old self and my new self to settle the score in some things. And I don't even mean settle forever, just settle in my heart so I can get through the day accepting that this is me now and it is wonderful. and all the changes that encompasses. changes that are hard for me, but welcome...i've always liked a challenge

in other news, I told my mother today that I wanted to bring him home for thanksgiving. there was a long silence followed by "Well, you know we only have the one bed now..."....yes mom...He can sleep on the couch. Seriously? But then she was excited. So now I think she knows this is something "real" .... at least moreso than in the past for me. I mean, i have NEVER brought a guy home...i'm sure this is rocking the K household tonight, I don't really feel like dealing with it in terms of returning her phonecall.

I was just telling Rebs how I feel like working is really good for me in terms of not stressing about the future... like right now I am just looking to get to the weekend, enjoy that, and face Monday. Before it was like, ok what is happening in thre months, waht's my next trip, when am I getting this place, etc....now I just have to go with it.

who knew having a boyfriend would be fun?

i always thought having a boyfriend was the end of my fun days.

Au contrare....

I'm sending a box of gingersnaps and pink lace panties to his hotel room in South Carolina since he is away for work for the week. Along with a card with one of the slickest kinky messages I've ever come up with.

I stand corrected.

he's out of town

so i'm lonely :(

but good for me to spend time alone. Amazing how the work week zaps your time...this leaves like 4 hours on Saturday to get EVERYTHING done...along with the rest of the city. And Miami is not a fun city to run errands in.

Transit is, by far, the best bar in Miami...and I can't wait for a.m. yoga. So glad I have found a few things to center me during the week. I just need to make time for the grocery store and NOT spending money on going out to lunch every day.

Goals for the week:

2 lunches out.
3 salads.
4 workouts
send Babe a card.
clean.
organize new dresser.
be good at my job.
look good doing it :)

what an amazing day

Passed the bar!!!

the wait was absolutely making me batty....the nausea every time I thought of it...that tense feeling in my stomach...the being testy and anxious. But it is over, and I PASSED. My heart was thumping out of my chest yesterday while waiting for the results. I was literally on my knees in front of my computer screen in my office, shaking like crazy. What an incredible wave of relief. And it has slowly been setting in over the past day that I am an attorney, just like I have been striving for for so long! It is truly a surreal feeling...

So far loving my job. I feel clueless and clumsy, but my cases are interesting and I'm learning a ton -- basic office type stuff, and legal stuff.

The boyfriend is awesome...he amazes me and I love him more every day. He suprised me by taking me to this adorable, delicious hole in the wall Peruvian restaurant last night... picked out Pinot Noir...ate mashed potato/avocado/mushroom/octopus glory with me. Incredible man...I feel so great these days, the sun is bright, I saw a rainbow this morning...:o) Loooooovvvvveeee is such a beautiful thing, and it has been so long. But every day that I've had to wait makes it so much better.

4pm

today...i decided that i am ready for retirement. my shoulders and eyes were aching, i wanted a beer. but the flip side is having nothing to do or lacking a challenge. i mean, i truly like my job...I'm interested in what I am doing. just the grind of 9-6 (and being SPENT at 4 but having to stay because of guilt and obligation) SUUUUCCCKKKKS....but it was my FIRST payday so that was super exciting and amazing. and then i had to turn around and pay off my bills. sweet. but i am just happy that i can pay them.

besides that, something else that i knew was inevitable happened...the phone call invitation from Work guy to happy hour. yup. and you KNOW i went. i thought of all these work-related reasons to go, but the reality is i wanted to and it raised as many questions as it answered.

B and I had a nice drunken conversation the other night about the future. him going back to school and how i don't want to be dating a student for the next 5 years. how he wants two kids, i want one. how we have this whole life planned all of a sudden, and i don't even know where i want to live 3 years from now. but somehow that also seemed to fit into his plan. but now in the haze of the week i don't even know. i love it here. i can't imagine leaving. so now i am questioning how much of my loving it and feeling content is from meeting HIM and him being my partner in crime lately. and WHY i still act this way with work guy. i wonder what he and Dam are talking about with Terrance right now.

i love life.