Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Making the Jump

I am reading The Four-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss.

He talks about managing your time so you are never really “working,” taking “mini” retirements instead of the end goal retirement, and various other strategies to achieve the “New Rich.”… interesting ideas….I’m early in the book but I like the way he thinks.  Act now, ask for forgiveness later.  Action.  There is an exercise of working through “what’s the worst that could happen” scenarios.  I am not unhappy at my job nor do I intend to leave and go on my own or start some crazy new venture or anything like that…now.  This is about making sure I do not become a 9-5er who is only going through the motions and miserable.  I’m happy now because I have been blessed with a boss who evidently believes that giving one space to grow is, in fact, what is required to grow and does not chain me to the desk, etc. etc….that or he just doesn’t care.  Either way, I am just trying to stay ahead of the middle life misery curve.  So, the first part is to define your nightmare, the absolute worse thing that could happen if one did “what they are considering.”  For now, let’s just assume I am going to leave “law” and do something else… I don’t know what…we are working on the liquor business but it could be anything. I actually do like practicing law, so this is not a career escape.  Maybe just making sure I am compensated fairly...

My big thing is retirement.  I am always worried about saving for “the future” and not wanting to end up lifeless in some terrible “home” or impoverished after working my whole life.  So, not being able to set aside money is a big fear.  In fact, my husband might say I save too much and don’t use the money to enjoy life sometimes.  I don’t agree – we have a very full life of travel, nice things, nice car, nice apartment, etc. there is not really anything that I really, really want and can’t have if I really wanted to just go get it.  But anyway you can see the issue.  Would this be the “End of my life?” as the author suggests.  No.  What would be permanent impact?  Who knows?  Who knows if I would ever get back to being able to “save” as much as I would like?   Is it really permanent?  Probably not.  I always think, I could always wait tables.  If the world ended and I lost my career, I could always wait tables or bartend.  In fact, I did do that when we first moved and I did not have a solid job.

What could I do to repair the damage?  Waitress!  That could get me back on track.  I would probably have some qualms/pride issues about this, but not really… in that situation, I think I could adjust.  OR, of course, I could always go back to law. 

Next, what are the outcomes or benefits of more probable scenarios… i.e. succeeding at the new venture?  More free time, more money, more flexibility, more stimulation… how likely is it that you could produce at least a moderately good outcome?  Decent I guess.  We are both post-grad educated and I’d like to think have more business savvy and knowledge than many people that start businesses.  So, why can’t it be us?

If I was fired from my job today, what would I do to get things under financial control?  First, I would probably not look for a new job.  I would probably just do my own thing again, and amp up my freelance legal practice to supplement client matters, and maybe take that first time.  Wait tables at night if desperate for cash.  I am not afraid of being fired as I once was because I have been there (laid off) and it was scary as hell but the best thing that ever happened to me and really showed me what I was made of.  I wish I had not been so scared back then even, but given our soon-to-be-move I could not pour myself in maybe as much as I would have liked.  So, the fear of being jobless is not a huge thing for me… ok, that’s not true, it’s crazy scary, but just not as scary as it used to be I guess.

What am I putting off out of fear?  This is hard!  I don’t really know.  A year ago I would have said having a baby, but now that is just being put off because of circumstances…which is ok if that’s because I need time to get other stuff sorted out, but….Probably asking for a raise is a big one.  Asking for more responsibility/power to make decisions.  I need to just do it.  I have been here two years and am profitable and work hard and I deserve it.  But it’s scary.  Shouldn’t be.  “A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”  I like that.  No one likes those conversations but they get results.  Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear.  Another great quote. 

What is it costing to postpone action ?  I don’t necessarily feel like I am postponing anything, but say for example freelance work…. Or getting firm to make me a contractor… do I even want that?  Emotionally it costs the attachment, the crutch, the salary and check that comes every two months.  Which I’m ok with because I have been on the other end, but I don’t want to get stuck in that if the promises that have been made to me are not fulfilled.  The cost of inaction.  Financially it costs me….well…. financially.  Would likely take a huge hit in the beginning, but would ultimately probably come out ahead.  I do think I need more time to learn “the craft” and various areas of law that would allow me to obtain larger and higher-paying clients.  That answers the “what am I waiting for” question….experience…which I think is valid… but each day of this practice that goes on I realize that it is just that…a practice…and no one really knows what they are doing.  I don’t want to stay right here forever… I know that… but again, I am extremely grateful that I am in a position that is allowing me to develop on the side what could hopefully support me if it got to a point of, ok, I gotta go.  Physically… I don’t think it is costing me anything.  I have time to exercise, eat right.  That’s ok. 

Action is the most important step.


I have my action plan for the year… more clients, more connections, more growth, more learning, and more practice.  And financially, making enough to support my salary and maybe pay some rent. 

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Oops.  I missed yesterday.  We had a great day of cleaning house/organizing, etc. and I prepped a ton of healthy food that felt great.  Met up with new friend for coffee.  Feeling healthier already.  Happy and excited for a new year and looking forward to work tomorrow and getting caught up on being completely lazy and gluttonous for a few weeks -- but totally needed it.  Can't wait to see what 2016 has in store!  We are working on planning trips to Miami, Bahamas, Europe and Sonoma...as a friend posted on Instagram a large world map and said....everyone else is busy having babies, I am planning my next trip.  It was encouraging and reminded me it just is not our time yet.  Meanwhile, we'll travel and love life!  Went to a new Saturday morning kickboxing class on a whim and actually really liked it (glad I avoided the overcrowded early January gym floor!)

Today was more shopping for healthy food (being good is a full time job!) and more making more healthy food and watching the Hawks game.  Slept in and made baked oatmeal then ran errands.  Nothing too exciting.  Dreading waking up early (that's not really me) as I have finally gotten used to sleeping to 8 or later over the last few lazy weeks.  Don't know why I have been so hard on my self during the holidays about eating bad, skipping workouts, etc. etc. as I feel rejuvenated and excited now and can hopefully undo the damage.  Weigh-in:  137.2 and we got "before" pictures on the phone -- yipes!

Bring it, 2016!


Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy end of 2015 -- looking back and forward

It has been a crazy year!  I think the single biggest event that sticks out is paying off my student loans in one feel swoop.  So very grateful and thankful for that and the repercussions that it has on our finances.

Other free association memories are of our trip to Vietnam/Cambodia ...going off the pill....waiting for nothing...starting to look for a house...killing it at work...the summer of PB and golf...lots and lots and lots of golf...Michigan road trip for golf...the Seahawks fall and trips to Greenbay, Cinci, St. Louis, Thanksgiving in New Mexico for a whole week...getting to play golf there and go through my room and stuff from my teenage and childhood years...throwing so much away in just one fell swoop....disassociating from "stuff" and influence of the Magic of Tyding Up...reconnecting with Bonnie and cruising through Grants...back to the spring.... our trip to California for Baz's friend's wedding and his birthday....went to the Hollywood sign, ate yummy baja food, did we spend time at the beach?  I'm sure we did but I can't remember....a couple of trips to visit Mamy and Papy...they are so adorable...93 and 97 last year...to think they were born in 1918 and 1922... crazy.  We spent Christmas in Seattle with Baz; folks, sister and her kids.  the kids are so grown up, especially Zia.  She is quite well behaved as much as it pains me to say it. fun time exploring seattle, eating local fare, drinking coffee from Vivace, etc...I had set a goal to get one new bank client this year, and it pretty much ALMOST happened with PB....we are almost there.  It was really fun to actually write down goals and see them achieved so let's do that again:

Personal

  • 30 day vegan-ish health challenge (no dairy, "white flour," meat (fish and eggs ok), or booze)
  • After that, maybe extend it another 15 or 30 days depending on whether I feel great... i just hear everyone say how good they feel, how their skin looks better, etc. and I am curious if it is true.
  • Write either here or diary each day of the challenge as a source of strength for it...going to be rough at first.  This is more about "cleansing" than weight loss, but would love to lose the holiday pounds/maintain my weight below 135
  • write more generally
  • Take tap dance classes, or some other creative outlet.  Maybe advanced story-telling
  • Try some therapy for my "issues"
  • Figure out what it is going to take to get me pregnant/if something is wrong, what is the solution?  this has been crazy.  I just assumed this year I would probably get pregnant.  Now I haven't had my period in over a year and the last round of Provera I did not bring on a period (yet...still have a few days).  Getting away from  that mental place of automatically assuming something is wrong is extremely hard for me. 
  • Think positively each day; start each day positively.  This is, obviously, going to be the most challenging.  But it really has to happen.  I need that mental shift so bad, especially with the baby stuff going on.  I had a really rough day the other day and just couldn't break through it. Each day is different it seems
  • Improve my relationship with my mother; not be nasty to her as it is so easy for me to do.
  • Facebook and Instagram ONCE PER WEEK -- this is getting out of hand lately and it gets me upset when I see baby announcements (it pains me to admit that I am this person now... but it just is)
As a couple
  • Be more supportive; say "yes" more when Baz has ideas, suggestions, etc., instead of shutting things down quickly for no other reason other than being a negative nancy.
  • Do a date/new thing once per month (each person picks something).
  • Get all licensing for Dark&Tart in place
  • Buy a home - we are working diligently on this one!
Work
  • Seal the deal on PB; start getting deals
  • Collections of $70,000.00.
  • Two new clients per month
  • Get/justify a raise of 25k
  • Make two valuable connections per week for others
  • Get involved in a new networking group 
  • Get newsletter going to once per month
  • Last year, I had wanted to need an associate by this next quarter; at times I would say we need someone; other times not.  This year, I am more interested in properly outsourcing different things to others so I can max my profitability, probably using more independent contractors over hiring someone full-time. But maybe... just have to see how it goes!
Really excited for the new year and all of the possibilities it holds!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Turning 32

Officially in a few hours!  Such a nondescript age... not like 21, or 25, or 30.  I guess the next big one is 35 but I'm in no rush!.  At least I am still closer to 30 than 35...errrr.... yeah.  Whatever, I guess I am not really one to get hung up on age, and 31 was a really great year.  I paid off my student loans, finally somewhat have the feeling of "financial freedom," finally feel like I am caught up there.... been really pushing at work and have been very blessed with some extremely valuable introductions that are leading to real business.   Starting to see results of hustling and pushing and putting my career and business development ahead of work -- and so blessed to have a boss that sees the value in that -- despite all the background noise about him and the place...whatev is all I can say for now.

My husband is amazing and we are in a good place.  We are happy and secure and ready to start looking for a home/project.  He's so good to me, even when I give him every reason not to be by being an absolute terror.

Starting to really get over the drinking scene, or more what happens to me in the dark place that is no longer fun, which then creates a string of anxiety in its wake.

Doing acupuncture pretty faithfully relative to the total loss of my cycle for 10 months now after going off the pill.  because that is super freaky.  I try not to think about it and told myself I would give it a year before doing the message boards, specialists, treatment.  Eeeps.  I am planning to order some herbal stuff to try to work it from that angle but I really just feel like it is hormones and crap that got me into this mess and an hesitant when the doctor is so ready to shove them down my throat.

At the same time, I am like terrified to take a pregnancy test, which, frankly could be positive given that I haven't had a cycle or taken one for at least more than two months.  I guess I just don't feel like anything is different so I push it to the back of my m ind because I still have these crazy mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Anywho, trying not to make that my defining thing at the moment.  If nothing else, it is giving me an amazing time to focus on work and get ahead there while I can so that if/when we have a baby I can have good flexibility (and this is when I freak about taking the test because I'm not so ready, just want to be sure things are ok). 

In other news, my hubs is about to make me a charcuterie platter for my birthday dinner!  ta ta.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

life is good.

August 2015.

Stella visited, we did the touristy things, stayed out too late, drank too much, ate too much and had friends therapy.
We played a lot of golf.  Had biggest fight ever about money, but it had to happen, spent the next day hungover and upset at North Avenue Beach watching the water show.  Had dim sum with Bryce and his little family.
I did am/doing acupuncture for fertility.  I like it.  Can't explain it but it does seem to provide some sort of release.  And has bizarre, good effect on bowel movements.  Hopefully all the other cycles get back on board too.  Finding out a friend is having her second today sort of felt like a knife in my chest for a minute.  I keep telling myself... I'm 31.  Almost 32.  Twins.  It will be all good.
We went to Michigan for a weekend -- stayed in Bear Lake, played golf at Pinecroft and Thoroughbred... made love on the golf cart in the rain as we were the only ones around.  one of my favorite courses ever and not just 'cuz of that ;)  Jumped in the crystal clear waters of Lake Michigan at Sleeping Bear Dunes and had dinner at Seven Monks in Traverse City.  Enjoyed a bed and breakfast and spending time in the car together.  Looked into finding morello cherries -- no luck.  Dinner on the water in Saugatauk.
Sold the Florida condo -- made $180,000 on it in four years -- paid off all of my student loans and much of hubby's.  Finally, finally light at the end of the financial tunnel.  It feels incredible and not quite real yet.  Happy to be 100% here, not having to still deal with a property down there -- so funny, because we said we would never, ever sell it.  It was a beautiful place and I hope the new folks are happy there.  We may regret it one day, but I sure don't regret having those loans paid off and having some cash to set aside for safety and a rainy day.
Trying to figure out what to do for Labor Day... stay in town, or take off on a crazy adventure because we can.  We have a ton of fun trips coming up to see the Seahawks play all over the Midwest.
Went to Mothership in Ohio twice.... it's good to go down there and see/hear how things work at this job. I get nervous about some of the antics I hear about -- dont' want to be an ostrich, but a lot of seems to not affect me and I am perfectly happy to not know about other people's decades-long issues with the firm.  But I don't want that to be me one day and feel trapped because I've had it so good for so long but could have it better -- but you just never know.  And I, as much as anyone, learned that the hard way leaving my first job... yet it all turned out perfect and the right way in the end.  It always does.  Positive, fun, exciting things happening at work though -- on the verge of something really big in furtherance of my independence, but will also create a strange dependence... having a client that is "mine" but for which i would need to essentially outsource the work because I don't know it -- yet....

Onward, September!  Six years at this game of law as of the Monday after labor day -- taht is hard to believe.  I am happy that I like it.  it still challenges me, interests me, tires me, and makes me crazy.  I am happy to be debt free -- not from it, but from the wisdom of my husband and his immense sweat equity.  but the jobs haven't hurt either.

moi.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

What is going on?

Trying to keep the crazy at bay.  I haven't had AF in six months, since going off the pill.  I wonder if it has been even longer that something was not quite right but disguised by pill?  Ack.  Everyone says to just relax, but it is hard when your body and very femininity is not functioning properly.  I'm scared.  I wake up in the night thinking "what if" I can't have a baby.  I am trying to have faith and be comfortable and confident that everything will be ok.  Technology can go a long way.  I don't want that though, I want it the old fashioned way.  there is nothing like the fear of thinking you might not be able to have a baby to make you want a baby!  I still get nervous taking a PT... but realizing more and more what a blessing it is.  But then frustrated and a bit angry by women who seem to get pregnant just from being looked at. 

Going on the internet to research is probably counter-productive.  Reading about percentage chances of this and that.  Doc says everything fine, this is normal, this happens.  Starting acupuncture next week.

I don't think I am stressed at work.  Work is pretty good, I have to say.  I am not super stressed about billing, there is some running around but nothing that isn't fun on some level to handle.  But sometimes I do notice myself holding tension in my body.  More yoga? 

Work...had a long talk with RV about it today....wondering our direction, but so content where we are too.  What is this place?  Bounced checks...rumors of nefarious spending... but such minimal oversight and stress and yelling and deadlines that I can deal for now.  And learning, still learning and still challenged.

Visited my grandparents over the weekend.  Woke in the night with heart breaking for them.  I feel like they could be sad, but they have such hope and faith and confidence.  BUt I still feel like they are probably lonely.  But when I'm there, I feel generations apart and at times not sure how to connect.  Hopefully just being there is enough.  It makes me even more scared for the future if we can't have a baby.  Ok, see the crazy?  that conclusion is so far off, I have to stop it. 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Thinking through

There was a little gold ring with an opal shaped heart in the middle and diamond flecks on each side.  This was to be worn on my left hand until the day i married, and given to me in a ceremony of sorts, in which I sat in our upstairs living room and my father put this on my finger.  or maybe I grabbed it out of the box instead.

My parents (mom?) wanted me to have a purity ring.  It was something espoused by abstinence based religious organizations, and was intended to symbolize a girl's bond with her father, and more importantly, her virginity, until such time as she was married to a nice Christian man and shared her virginity with him.  I think there might have been a special service about this at my church, or maybe some youth event with lots of prepubescent girls screaming allegiance, but i can't remember.

But I can remember seeing the ring in the window of the jewelry store, and wanting it.  My  mom explaining the purity thing to me, and basically telling me I would get the ring if I would make this commitment... to my family...to my church... to myself... to my future husband.  I don't know what my conception of "sex" or "virginity" or "love" was then -- I think I knew that I didn't know.  Mom told me it was magical.  I don't honestly know if I ever intended to stay a virgin until my marital bed, but I know that I intended to own and wear that ring, because it was pretty.

So, on my birthday (was it 13?) I received the ring.  I think we sat around the living room, and maybe my dad put it on my hand, maybe we prayed.  I don't recall being particularly stricken by the moment, other than being excited for the ring, and yes, excited for this prize that I held for my future husband, unsure yet just what that was.

Fast-forward through college and beyond.  The first boyfriend was special, the rest were not.  I struggled with guilt at trying to be "promiscuous" and being restrained by this ring (which had long since ceased to be worn).  I did still wear it sometimes to stave off potential suitors, and I can remember being asked in my freshmen college English class -- by someone on the football team -- what it meant...stumbling over it because I didn't know any more.

My first year of law school.  I have been sexually active on and off for about 4 years, no more partners than the number of years.  I've never spoken to my mother about this, and am horrified by thought of a gynecological exam.  I would never have one - anyway - because that must mean I was sexually active.  But my best friend is diagnosed with cervical cancer.  No matter -- I could never have a Pap, because it would show up on my parents' insurance and they would know I was having sex.  No way.  I wait.  I wake in the night terrified I could have cancer, or some crazy disease, but I've never been tested because I am too afraid my parents would find out.

finally, I can't wait any more.  I am just too afraid.  I owe this friend my life, or at least my fertility.  I go to the gyno for the first time, I am so completely horrified.  I receive a call a few weeks later,and the worst thing I suspected is true -- I have precancerous cells growing in my cervix.  I feel guilty, I feel shame, i feel dirty.  I have no idea who did this to me.  The doctor and nurses tell me something like 75% of the population has this disease, this HPV.  It doesn't matter -- I need some sort of gyno surgery -- something I know can't be hidden from my parents because of the costs and insurance issues involved.  Terror ensures.

The terror of telling my mother (I can remember being drunk, it was night, I was in a car, and trying to say it nonchalantly) was nothing compared to the terror of actually going to the surgery, completely alone.  Tears were streaming down my face during the otherwise routine procedure.  I had asked ahead of time to be giving relaxing drugs, but when I arrived, they told me I wouldn't need it -- it was routine.  No matter, i was as tense as a tight rope and crying the whole time.  The nurses cooed to me in Spanish.  They didn't have these problems.  The room was, of course, white and sterile.  I can remember all of the pregnant women in the lobby, and being able to see the ocean from the window as i lay straddled.  how nice, Miami Beach.  Afterward, they gave me some percosets and told me to watch for bleeding.  The pain i felt inside was much worse.  The lights in my apartment seemed extra bright, my bed not soft enough, the blankets not warm enough.

Since this experience, innumerable friends and acquaintances have told me they also had a Leep, the scientific name for this procedure.  However, none have experienced the agony that I went through.  When I try to figure out why, I blame the ring.