Learning Humility

After my little outburst earlier, stemming from someone who essentially told me to shut up and listen and don't challenge him, was rewarded with a nice email saying I was (maybe) right and that I am talented, thanks for being thorough, etc.

Things like this are gratifying, but provide a lesson in humility too.  I am confident in my position, but I respect his and would make it work.  But it was a lesson to me to approach slowly, be respectful, keep my cool, and be reasoned at all times.  I tend to get flustered, fly off the handle, and act like a crazy person.  I have GOT to keep this in check, especially with people that put bread in my basket.  But, I think a sense of respect develops when you can state your position with support and disagree and be right.  (maybe -- we will discuss tomorrow).  Truly, so often with him I am flat out wrong because I missed something very basic like a small word or read the wrong version of a document.  So, it's like, nice to be right, but it makes you think thank God I got this one, how many have I missed that I was so sure and ended up the fool?

ahhhhhhh!

Just had to get out.  Grump-a-roo today.  I hate when people don't just let me do things my way, and instead have to micro-manage everything, assuming that I don't understand an entire concept when I simply asked a basic question to clarify a direction!!!

#firstworldproblems.

Ok, whiny rant over.

And... the warmest it is going to get all day is right now

It is 30 when I wake up, and will be all day.  Yesterday's 50 felt like a warm spring day. An adjustment for sure, but there is something cozy and comforting about it.  I just refuse to let the cold overtake me and keep me down.  I say that now.

As I am nearing the impending doom, er, re-entering the 9-5 world (or 8 to 6 as the case may be), I am, finally, trying to embrace my "free-er" time.  Going out on Tuesday afternoons, for example.  Also, when hubby is out of town I tend toward lonely and stir crazy or simply embracing eating cheese-crisps and watching trash tv or depressing documentaries.

Today I go in to new job to "pick an office" and do some orientation with the person I get the sense (and hope) I will be working the most with.  Game face:  on.  The past week or so another "independent" opportunity has presented itself that, of course, has me second guessing my decision, career, direction, goals.  It is still a contingency but I am tempted to follow it through in order to see if I can make it a reality -- if it is what I am told it is, it would make re-entering the salt mines much less appealing.  On the other hand, I really do need to get out and I am excited to be back in the rat race and experience it all in a new city, new people etc.  just not at the expense of my soul and/or sanity.

Plugging along.

Thanksgiving

There are so many things...where can I start?

My mom is with us here in Chicago... dad refused to come for some unknown reason other than a) hating holiday travel b) not wanting to deal with the cold and c) i suspect wanting to avoid having my mom run him around for a week.

Having my mother around puts some things in life in a very interesting focus.  I am having trouble articulating how, but maybe its that she's so good it makes me want to be better and makes me see a lot of the gross-ness in my own life.  but it also makes me realize many things about me that are wholly me and the result of me being some sort of whack blend between her and my father.

Other thoughts:
Things that are new to me in Chicago:
wiping boots/shoes before walking inside
coat racks
coat checks
needing to add an extra three minutes to my getting ready time just to bundle up
trying to find out where to buy firewood
knowing what kind of wood is good firewood
where to hire a maid.  spanish speaking or polish?
Anyway, things that occur to you at random times.

So, I'm going back to "work."  It charms me how people (and even myself) somehow think I haven't "worked" for the last year when in fact I have probably worked more -- hour wise -- than I ever worked at my old firm.  Weekends, nights. But I have had my freedom to do that and if I want to spend two hours working out and then making lunch and grocery shopping from 10-12 I can do it.  So I'm not complaining. But it's not like I have tons of "free time."  There are so many things on my list, i.e. wedding album, Deidre album, and now Europe album, home decorating, etc. that I have not gotten to from a sheer need to cover expenses and save up for our huge and amazing and budget-blowing Europe trip.  Seriously.  Working by the hour has its plusses and its major downfalls, like even now on Thanksgiving I'm almost tempted to pull out the laptop and bill a few hours.

Anyway, we have completed thanksgiving dinner, it was delicious and rich and all it was supposed to be.  now relaxing by the fire and watching football and tv, wonderful.  Funny now all the holiday sales start tonight -- has always been early Friday morning. Whether they are trying to prevent the early morning mobs or smply capitalizing on consumerism, I am happily planted on the couch where I will remain.

....and now I cry

I just found this old post from right after I met my now-hubby. Brought me the tears I have needed for awhile.

I've met a truly sweet guy. Of course I have my committment issues and what not, but he is incredible and every day amazes me with reminders of how I should be treated. It is becoming strikingly clear how a relationship should work and can work when it is right, as compared to my strings of meaningless dating in the past. I shouldn't say meaningless, I just mean everything with he and I seems to fit really well. Like, we have the same group of friends so there is no awkwardness of wondering whether he will "fit in" with them...he has a good family...we like the same things....he likes to have adventures...he's tall...blue eyes...well-educated and smart...makes me laugh and smile....the opposite of flaky... during the Bar he brought me a beautiful sunflower to the dreary library, made me dinner and brought it to me to eat late at night, always reminds me that he is thinking about me. He was so supportive during the bar, and I most certainly was not a pleasant person so that really impressed me. He's just as great as can be and I honestly believe that he came to me at just the right time. he was exactly what I needed then and there and everything has been good. I was feeling a tad overwhelmed with it right after the Bar because it was like omg I have my life back, now what? But at the same time I wanted to spend every second I could with him before I left for Thailand. And then I got back last week and we have spent a ton of time together and its awesome. Although I do feel like life is coming at me fast right now, its like I trust him enough and he is realiable enough to be there with me through it. He's a strong guy, he remembers the randomest details so i know he actually listens (most of the time...after all he is still a man...)... anyway, I'm gushing, but he's refreshing and I am thrilled. He's so good to me that it makes me just want to be like that with him....I've always felt like I wanted a person to just shower with affection and care and all that but no one ever seemed right to reciprocate it...he does and I have had so much fun showing him how I feel....although I'm not sure what it is yet, I know it is something special and different.

Shocked and saddened

That I have neglected this blog for almost two incredible years. In those two years I have gotten married, been to Thailand, changed jobs, gotten laid off, started my own business, moved to Chicago, went to Europe, turned THIRTY and am anticipating accepting a new job in the next few days. And many other daily amazements that I hope do not go unremembered. Why is it critical life events that make me want to write and/or realize how lacking I have been? I have kept journals of some of my travels and a "daily" diary of a few lines (but even that has suffered in the last months). For goodness sakes my first year of marriage and a move across country? I couldn't write or record my thoughts on that? I guess I have just been so "busy" -- not an excuse. I wish I had even a line or two a day from those moments. Anyway, I do this all the time and feel bad about it but don't ever change. Maybe now. I am famous for starting and not completing projects, blogging is no different. In any case, my future self is "lucky" now because I am majorly jet-lagged from our epic 2013/30th birthday trip to Europe. It is just past 6 a.m. and I went to bed with a sense of peace about my career for the first time in a long time, but woke up shortly past 4 thinking about it. Not so much in a negative way, but definitely with some fear and anticipation. After what happened after my new "big opportunity" last year (got-laid off six weeks after starting what I thought was a "dream job" but actually was a step away from Hades in a few short weeks), I am jaded and afraid. I know that I need to work hard and will probably be freaking out the first few months, but it sickens me that I have to be almost desperate in that sense. Isn't my "normal" level of work adequate? Anyway, I swore I would never work for a woman again, and here we are. She seems cool, H (old boss) like. I can't say anything bad about H, I really can't. She was moody and a bit psychotic, but a good boss. Those long inquisitive stares she would give me and forcing me to sit in front of her while she talked on phone or ate lunch. She could be harsh, but in the end, she was "cool." I could drink with her. We could talk about men. My mistake was letting the secretary get between us. Moving on. So now there is a new one. I hope I like her. I hope I love her. I am trying my darndest to look at her as a brand new person with none of my past judgments. I.e. the nice, sweet, mommy (C) who I thought was going to be the best boss ever but turned into a serpent within days and made H look like a walk in the park. I am cautiously (very) optimistic. I am going to keep my side work as long as I can until I am sure this is going to be a good fit. Oh yeah, and I have to take the bar in February. yay!

one little yes or no

in the wrong direction is all it takes for the pain to come back. That piercing *been lied to* pain that shows up in your stomach and sreads to your chest and makes your limbs feel week. It spread over me slowly and is still coming...it took a minute to set in, ten to make me angry, and now twenty to make me sad and scared.

we are so close and I truly think this is the first time I have ever caught a "little white lie" that wasn't so white. We all tell lies to protect each other to some degree, but there are some lies about certain things, no matter how silly or trivial, that to me are completely unacceptable. Not unforgivable - i love him too much- but it requires me to step away from the situation and collect what it means for me and how figure out i can convey the hurt that it causes. we were supposed to work on our vows today.

i want to throw up. God its the worst feeling... it is not that sharp biting pain of years past, duller, but deeper.

I don't want to overreact, but i also don't want to overlook. i need a good girlfriend right now.

I'm not even angry. just really really upset and shocked and, frankly, appalled.

sigh.