Thanksgiving

There are so many things...where can I start?

My mom is with us here in Chicago... dad refused to come for some unknown reason other than a) hating holiday travel b) not wanting to deal with the cold and c) i suspect wanting to avoid having my mom run him around for a week.

Having my mother around puts some things in life in a very interesting focus.  I am having trouble articulating how, but maybe its that she's so good it makes me want to be better and makes me see a lot of the gross-ness in my own life.  but it also makes me realize many things about me that are wholly me and the result of me being some sort of whack blend between her and my father.

Other thoughts:
Things that are new to me in Chicago:
wiping boots/shoes before walking inside
coat racks
coat checks
needing to add an extra three minutes to my getting ready time just to bundle up
trying to find out where to buy firewood
knowing what kind of wood is good firewood
where to hire a maid.  spanish speaking or polish?
Anyway, things that occur to you at random times.

So, I'm going back to "work."  It charms me how people (and even myself) somehow think I haven't "worked" for the last year when in fact I have probably worked more -- hour wise -- than I ever worked at my old firm.  Weekends, nights. But I have had my freedom to do that and if I want to spend two hours working out and then making lunch and grocery shopping from 10-12 I can do it.  So I'm not complaining. But it's not like I have tons of "free time."  There are so many things on my list, i.e. wedding album, Deidre album, and now Europe album, home decorating, etc. that I have not gotten to from a sheer need to cover expenses and save up for our huge and amazing and budget-blowing Europe trip.  Seriously.  Working by the hour has its plusses and its major downfalls, like even now on Thanksgiving I'm almost tempted to pull out the laptop and bill a few hours.

Anyway, we have completed thanksgiving dinner, it was delicious and rich and all it was supposed to be.  now relaxing by the fire and watching football and tv, wonderful.  Funny now all the holiday sales start tonight -- has always been early Friday morning. Whether they are trying to prevent the early morning mobs or smply capitalizing on consumerism, I am happily planted on the couch where I will remain.

....and now I cry

I just found this old post from right after I met my now-hubby. Brought me the tears I have needed for awhile.

I've met a truly sweet guy. Of course I have my committment issues and what not, but he is incredible and every day amazes me with reminders of how I should be treated. It is becoming strikingly clear how a relationship should work and can work when it is right, as compared to my strings of meaningless dating in the past. I shouldn't say meaningless, I just mean everything with he and I seems to fit really well. Like, we have the same group of friends so there is no awkwardness of wondering whether he will "fit in" with them...he has a good family...we like the same things....he likes to have adventures...he's tall...blue eyes...well-educated and smart...makes me laugh and smile....the opposite of flaky... during the Bar he brought me a beautiful sunflower to the dreary library, made me dinner and brought it to me to eat late at night, always reminds me that he is thinking about me. He was so supportive during the bar, and I most certainly was not a pleasant person so that really impressed me. He's just as great as can be and I honestly believe that he came to me at just the right time. he was exactly what I needed then and there and everything has been good. I was feeling a tad overwhelmed with it right after the Bar because it was like omg I have my life back, now what? But at the same time I wanted to spend every second I could with him before I left for Thailand. And then I got back last week and we have spent a ton of time together and its awesome. Although I do feel like life is coming at me fast right now, its like I trust him enough and he is realiable enough to be there with me through it. He's a strong guy, he remembers the randomest details so i know he actually listens (most of the time...after all he is still a man...)... anyway, I'm gushing, but he's refreshing and I am thrilled. He's so good to me that it makes me just want to be like that with him....I've always felt like I wanted a person to just shower with affection and care and all that but no one ever seemed right to reciprocate it...he does and I have had so much fun showing him how I feel....although I'm not sure what it is yet, I know it is something special and different.

Shocked and saddened

That I have neglected this blog for almost two incredible years. In those two years I have gotten married, been to Thailand, changed jobs, gotten laid off, started my own business, moved to Chicago, went to Europe, turned THIRTY and am anticipating accepting a new job in the next few days. And many other daily amazements that I hope do not go unremembered. Why is it critical life events that make me want to write and/or realize how lacking I have been? I have kept journals of some of my travels and a "daily" diary of a few lines (but even that has suffered in the last months). For goodness sakes my first year of marriage and a move across country? I couldn't write or record my thoughts on that? I guess I have just been so "busy" -- not an excuse. I wish I had even a line or two a day from those moments. Anyway, I do this all the time and feel bad about it but don't ever change. Maybe now. I am famous for starting and not completing projects, blogging is no different. In any case, my future self is "lucky" now because I am majorly jet-lagged from our epic 2013/30th birthday trip to Europe. It is just past 6 a.m. and I went to bed with a sense of peace about my career for the first time in a long time, but woke up shortly past 4 thinking about it. Not so much in a negative way, but definitely with some fear and anticipation. After what happened after my new "big opportunity" last year (got-laid off six weeks after starting what I thought was a "dream job" but actually was a step away from Hades in a few short weeks), I am jaded and afraid. I know that I need to work hard and will probably be freaking out the first few months, but it sickens me that I have to be almost desperate in that sense. Isn't my "normal" level of work adequate? Anyway, I swore I would never work for a woman again, and here we are. She seems cool, H (old boss) like. I can't say anything bad about H, I really can't. She was moody and a bit psychotic, but a good boss. Those long inquisitive stares she would give me and forcing me to sit in front of her while she talked on phone or ate lunch. She could be harsh, but in the end, she was "cool." I could drink with her. We could talk about men. My mistake was letting the secretary get between us. Moving on. So now there is a new one. I hope I like her. I hope I love her. I am trying my darndest to look at her as a brand new person with none of my past judgments. I.e. the nice, sweet, mommy (C) who I thought was going to be the best boss ever but turned into a serpent within days and made H look like a walk in the park. I am cautiously (very) optimistic. I am going to keep my side work as long as I can until I am sure this is going to be a good fit. Oh yeah, and I have to take the bar in February. yay!

one little yes or no

in the wrong direction is all it takes for the pain to come back. That piercing *been lied to* pain that shows up in your stomach and sreads to your chest and makes your limbs feel week. It spread over me slowly and is still coming...it took a minute to set in, ten to make me angry, and now twenty to make me sad and scared.

we are so close and I truly think this is the first time I have ever caught a "little white lie" that wasn't so white. We all tell lies to protect each other to some degree, but there are some lies about certain things, no matter how silly or trivial, that to me are completely unacceptable. Not unforgivable - i love him too much- but it requires me to step away from the situation and collect what it means for me and how figure out i can convey the hurt that it causes. we were supposed to work on our vows today.

i want to throw up. God its the worst feeling... it is not that sharp biting pain of years past, duller, but deeper.

I don't want to overreact, but i also don't want to overlook. i need a good girlfriend right now.

I'm not even angry. just really really upset and shocked and, frankly, appalled.

sigh.

my nuptials

are getting so close...I have so much joy and feel so incredibly blessed and happy to be getting to experience every new thing that I do each day. I'm sure three, four years ago I could never have imagined all the blessings that come each day...hearing about friends and family receiving their invitations, finding out who is coming, looking forward to the shower and bachelorette parties, and getting to marry this incredible man that has brought me so much happiness at at the end of it is the icing on the cake.

Speaking of which, we are in the midst of "cake tasting" which is totally awesome...as I guess I always imagined. I don't know what I really ever thought about my wedding, but I doubt I ever dreamed that I would find a man who was into it too. I also never thought I would be into it...but it is so totally the kind of thing you only get to experience once, like graduation or your first kiss that you just have to breathe in every single second of it to the fullest.

I just spent a weekend away at a conference and made an interesting contact for a possible future position. We shall see. Right now my focus is on getting to Australia (or anywhere else) with my baby....also thinking about getting my Pilates certification...because I haven't spent enough money on my education yet....right...

free wine and free perspective

I have to love how I am, without fail, enticed to these "free" networking events that include wine and gross appetizers. I always get a kick out of how insanely awkward they are...head quickly to the bar, and then realize this is not the kind of place one can get f*ed up in. Then, I leave with a mild to moderate buzz and walk home with the same number of business cards I entered with. Tonight I was particularly thankful that I am not single, given the level of sleeze and disgusting testosterone types walking around in there. Like just sweaty gross slime balls with nothing better to talk about than their "big firm" job and all the great benefits of working 80 hour weeks. Ewww. I love my babe so much.

One guy was like totally the guy I would have gone for if I was single. handsome, in a rugged way, tall, etc. However, he grossed me out as soon as he opened his mouth. Like all he could talk about was who he knew and what he knew. Anyway maybe I am being selfish, but sorry, I don't care about YOU, guy.

any who...work is back to a sense of normalcy after nightmare trial of the decade (and hopefully my life) ended. We are to hear about Australia soon, which I avoid even thinking about to minimize the crush if it does not work out, so I will not dwell.

We have been finalizing our awesome wedding invitations... i hope everyone thinks they are as adorable as we do, but ultimately, I am glad that I have a man that will sit and fill 10 oz bottles with sand and paper umbrellas with me for 5 hours.

xoxoxoxoxo

looking back and looking forward

The past year has flown by and no doubt the next one will too. The next one is full of big changes for me- primarily getting married and *hopefully* looking at a move abroad with my new husband. I am jumping in arms and eyes wide open and am thrilled to see what the year holds. In the meantime, I want to reminisce a bit on the one just concluded.

Chili cook off 2011 was a good time as always. Got the ball rolling on wedding plans... spent a couple of weekends down in the keys checking out venues, trying food, meeting with the photographer, and even spending Valentine's night in the hotel next door to our spot. .Went to Vegas for Baz's birthday..saw my girls and had some wild times... champagne by the pool, fab hotel, gambling and actually winning, 7 dollar water, visits to the old hood with Alex, Went back down to the Keys for Memorial day for a great boating day with friends followed by an endless night....Mom came to visit in June and we picked out my wedding dress -- definitely a highlight of the year. Went to the beach less and less and worked more and more...fall brought a couple of big cases and the months simply slipped away...Rascall Flatlts concert in August was a great time with friends, as was camping in late December. Thanksgiving was spent in my hometown with my soon-to-be in laws and my parents -- actually a fabulous time. Dust came to visit in October with his mom, and then I went to Seattle for my first "work" conference -- what fun. My life seems to be defined and remembered by trips, but I know there is so much more in between that happens every day that I just can't remember. Fell more in love with my honey each day and closer to our big moment and our lives together. Was rejected from my scholarship app/ticket to Australia. Got to know KF a lot better and found a good and crazy fun friend and mentor. Picked out bridesmaids dresses that I hope my girls love. Spent a weekend in April having a mini bachelorette with two friends from grade school -- what a special experience. Haven't been to SF in way too long -- need to get out there. Went to Alaska with my mom and dad in August -- went on a dog sled ride, tried amazing small-brewery beer, got some cool jewelry and native type stuff, relaxed and enjoyed my parents. Fourth of July was low key this year -- I think we went on the boat with BBQ or something. Oh yeah, bought a condo! that was kind of a big deal, closed in June. Dealt with months of remodeling and a temporary roommate due to displacing our 'tenant.' We came through that stronger and with a new opinion about following city and condo rules. Went to Saturday morning classes at LA Fitness with KF and had great memories of that and meeting new friends. started doing pilates quite regularly in August after developing consistent knee pain. Knee has been better but I have found a new love. Maybe thinking about certification in 2012. Took Honey to visit my grandparents in July and had fun at Kennywood and hanging out with my uncles.

It has been a fabulous year. Here's to many more.