girls night...

leads to bringing up stories of the past. past relationships. things done wrong that you hope and know you will never repeat again. it is like a constant rotation around the table about stories of love, almost love, and the ultimate loss. the difference between the chase, being agressive, and learning to be loved.

There was some "diggin on bones" happening...talking about things that had happened to each of us in high school and college. Friends betraying us and such. I think back to Bonnie and Brad and the utter, gut shattering heartbreak I experienced. and thank the good Lord that is pretty much the worst of it. there was A, but other than that i sort of skitted along and broke as many hearts as "broke" mine; essentially broke even. but things that friends do to you at a young age dig deep and stay for a long time.

so i get home with my love and he immediately texts the friend that i had just been with and asks her to play golf tomorrow. something i have suggested we do 100 times and he never takes me up on the offer. she just happens to be essentially out of work thus no plans tomorrow, and, maybe, a better golfer than I. in any case...in my mind all i saw was them for three hours out on a sunny green. me in my office for seven or more fucking hours trying not to piss somebody off and being grateful that i have such a great spot. meanwhilte the two of them are cavorting. i voice my concern to him that, you know, doing a fun activity with a girl friend on a day that i feel trapped in the office and would love more than anything to do with you....it makes me feel bad about being jealous about it but at the same time i would never, ever, go do something like that with my guy friends. like, i don't have "just" guy friends any more. all my guy friends are also his guy friends. and i wouldn't hang out with them alone. certainly not for a sunny friday afernoon round of golf. i would rather do it with him. even if he had to work. i'd wait.

I know that it is 99.9999 percent my unreasonableness. but it is the age old feeling of keep your friends close and your enemies closer. she's a friend, but something about her just strikes me as an enemy. like she is the person who brings evereyone together because of her energy but pushes me away because she can be too all inclusive. like, we don't all have to do everything together all the time.

i know this is aterrible, terrible thing to say or think, but if he ever ever cheated with anyone, which i know he wouldn't, it would be her. but it would be all her. at least 90%. there is literally no one else on the planet that i worry about. ugh who knows. i contradict myself with every word. if i'm so sure, why is my stomach in knots?

the point is, at least in part, that i understand i'm being unreasonable, but that is just the way it is: unreasonable. I never told him not to go with her, but i made it clear i am not happy about the situation. thus, if he does go, he will feel bad about it. but i just don't think that it is proper for a person to go do some sort of special "acitivty" with someone else's boy/girlfriend (or fiance for that matter)... and it was as much the way he got all excited about it as anything. like it suddenly struck him that someone else had the day off tomorrow and the only person that mattered was her.

ugh. i make myself sick; at the same time, what am i supposed to do? Be like, go ahead baby, go spend the day with another girl. sure.

jealousy is there for a reason i guess. maybe to destroy. but maybe partially to protect.