Circus Life Under a Big Top World

free wine and free perspective

2012-01-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

I have to love how I am, without fail, enticed to these "free" networking events that include wine and gross appetizers. I always get a kick out of how insanely awkward they are...head quickly to the bar, and then realize this is not the kind of place one can get f*ed up in. Then, I leave with a mild to moderate buzz and walk home with the same number of business cards I entered with. Tonight I was particularly thankful that I am not single, given the level of sleeze and disgusting testosterone types walking around in there. Like just sweaty gross slime balls with nothing better to talk about than their "big firm" job and all the great benefits of working 80 hour weeks. Ewww. I love my babe so much.

One guy was like totally the guy I would have gone for if I was single. handsome, in a rugged way, tall, etc. However, he grossed me out as soon as he opened his mouth. Like all he could talk about was who he knew and what he knew. Anyway maybe I am being selfish, but sorry, I don't care about YOU, guy.

any who...work is back to a sense of normalcy after nightmare trial of the decade (and hopefully my life) ended. We are to hear about Australia soon, which I avoid even thinking about to minimize the crush if it does not work out, so I will not dwell.

We have been finalizing our awesome wedding invitations... i hope everyone thinks they are as adorable as we do, but ultimately, I am glad that I have a man that will sit and fill 10 oz bottles with sand and paper umbrellas with me for 5 hours.

xoxoxoxoxo

looking back and looking forward

2012-01-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

The past year has flown by and no doubt the next one will too. The next one is full of big changes for me- primarily getting married and *hopefully* looking at a move abroad with my new husband. I am jumping in arms and eyes wide open and am thrilled to see what the year holds. In the meantime, I want to reminisce a bit on the one just concluded.

Chili cook off 2011 was a good time as always. Got the ball rolling on wedding plans... spent a couple of weekends down in the keys checking out venues, trying food, meeting with the photographer, and even spending Valentine's night in the hotel next door to our spot. .Went to Vegas for Baz's birthday..saw my girls and had some wild times... champagne by the pool, fab hotel, gambling and actually winning, 7 dollar water, visits to the old hood with Alex, Went back down to the Keys for Memorial day for a great boating day with friends followed by an endless night....Mom came to visit in June and we picked out my wedding dress -- definitely a highlight of the year. Went to the beach less and less and worked more and more...fall brought a couple of big cases and the months simply slipped away...Rascall Flatlts concert in August was a great time with friends, as was camping in late December. Thanksgiving was spent in my hometown with my soon-to-be in laws and my parents -- actually a fabulous time. Dust came to visit in October with his mom, and then I went to Seattle for my first "work" conference -- what fun. My life seems to be defined and remembered by trips, but I know there is so much more in between that happens every day that I just can't remember. Fell more in love with my honey each day and closer to our big moment and our lives together. Was rejected from my scholarship app/ticket to Australia. Got to know KF a lot better and found a good and crazy fun friend and mentor. Picked out bridesmaids dresses that I hope my girls love. Spent a weekend in April having a mini bachelorette with two friends from grade school -- what a special experience. Haven't been to SF in way too long -- need to get out there. Went to Alaska with my mom and dad in August -- went on a dog sled ride, tried amazing small-brewery beer, got some cool jewelry and native type stuff, relaxed and enjoyed my parents. Fourth of July was low key this year -- I think we went on the boat with BBQ or something. Oh yeah, bought a condo! that was kind of a big deal, closed in June. Dealt with months of remodeling and a temporary roommate due to displacing our 'tenant.' We came through that stronger and with a new opinion about following city and condo rules. Went to Saturday morning classes at LA Fitness with KF and had great memories of that and meeting new friends. started doing pilates quite regularly in August after developing consistent knee pain. Knee has been better but I have found a new love. Maybe thinking about certification in 2012. Took Honey to visit my grandparents in July and had fun at Kennywood and hanging out with my uncles.

It has been a fabulous year. Here's to many more.

Happy 2012

2012-01-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

What a fabulous party last night.... really a great time with good food, good drinks, and awesome friends followed by drunken attempts at karaoke. New Years is always hit or miss it seems...this one was a total hit...that is until about 3 a.m. when I had random freak out. I won't go in to the details about what happened because I think, looking back, that I over-reacted to something that I had the right to be upset about. I just didn't handle it well. Instead, I stormed out of the party and tried to get a cab. That was nearly impossible so after walking (barefoot by now) probably close to a mile I randomly started talking to another girl that looked to be in the same sort of predicament and we rode home together as we live in same neighborhood. She told me that her boyfriend got shot in the head last week and all kinds of other random wierd-ness that she is involved in, drugs, sketchy car rental businesses, etc. Very interesting and kind of a random fun that I had not had in awhile. There is something about hearing vents from total strangers and venting to them that is very cathartic. she was really dumping it out. Upon getting back home I realized that (after doing full purse dump at the party) I had lost my car and house keys. Awesome. After unsuccessfully trying to break my lock (stupid, I know) I called the front desk who I never dreamed would let me in, but they did and were super nice about it. So even with the drama it was just a typical funny New Years where something whack-o always happens. Fortunately my keys are at lost and found - big relief. Was beating self up over that one all day. I woke up, ordered pizza, and laid on the couch all day with my hunny. Overall great day.

Yesterday was super fun too -- we decided to get each other outfits for new years and spent all day trolling the mall...he got me full dress, jacket, earrings, shoes, bra, all of it. Too cute. I got him dolled up in a new shirt and tie. Not gonna lie...we looked hot. He is just all around my bestie -- like who shops with their girlfriend for six hours for some crazy outfit for one night? And we just joked around and played the whole time. Another perspective-giver as to why my random freak-out last night was not necessary. Me and hard alcohol really should just stay away from each other for everyone's sake. But a girl does need a good stiff drink and some craziness once in a while.

Tomorrow is technically a holiday but basically on call for trial stuff so we shall see how much of a day off it is. Keeping fingers crossed for another one like today :)

life in moments

2011-12-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

it is truly in moments. looking back over months and weeks and years life is but a blur of memories woven in to one's history. Like today, a peaceful quiet Christmas morning, and my last as a single girl. Probably my last with just me and my mom and dad, in the way it has been my entire life. Our quiet little beautiful family. My mom in the kitchen all day long with a full turkey dinner and all the fixings...dad and I fighting over the remote...phone calls from scattered family and friends..all against an amazing white snow blanket background. The click of the pellet stove. The bunny rabbit living under the porch. Laps of the property on cross-country skis followed by a dip in the hot-tub with a mid-day glass of wine. naps. How I miss taking naps during the day.

so fabulous to be away from work. It took me a good two days to stop thinking about it and having nightmares. The past few weeks of trial have given me a glimpse in to how many of my lawyer friends' lives are constantly -- the 24/7 email checking, working weekends, and being on call every minute. It makes me eternally grateful of the "normal" days at my firm when we are not in a high-high-high exposure 6 week trial. Over all it is a fabulous place to work and I am ever appreciative of the conditions after this experience. That being said...should this become a full-time year round type of lifestyle in my work, I simply could not do it. It is not living. Talk about moments -- the ones that stand out are resisting to the ends of the earth working on a Saturday, and then being patronized about it. Being asked to deliver Motrin to the courthouse and make various other bizarre trips over there at least twice a day. High points include learning the ins and outs of trial, lunching with the trial lawyers on the case, and the sense of camaraderie. However, at the end of the day, no one really seems to care about LIFE while they are in trial. For me, enjoying life is all-encompassing and it is exceedingly difficult for me to black it out and focus on trial. Maybe that is my deficiency and weakness as a lawyer, but that is something I do not want to lose touch with. This trial has revealed the true colors of various partners, and made it starkingly clear to me that I do not want to become like them. I fear I only have a few years to figure something out to avoid becoming them. I don't want to wake up with the big house in ten years and hate my life. I want to wake up next to my honey on a cot in Bangkok or Katmandu with nothing but our backpacks on our backs. If we have a baby with us, so what? and more power to us.

I have my lover

2011-12-24T09:32:00.000-08:00

looking back on my many faceted, fun, and tumultuous train of "lovers" in the past -- i can wholeheartedly and beautiful declare that i have the "one." There were so many magical and fulfilling and unfullfilling experiences in my a past -- and I can't deny that the crazed days of my younger years entirely make who I am now. But the beauty of this one man who is so completely there is so rewarding and so beyond any of those experiences that ultimately had a come-down akin to the worst chemical explorations. The anxiety is gone, the constant wondering, the worry, the need to please, to be something that I was not, to be available, to be at the ready should he change his mind...it all just fades in to the past and here is this incredible person that is so self-less and just so downright nice. I can only hope that I should ever come near to being the person that he deserves. I can do my best -- and for me many times "being the best person" is tied to extrinsic and measureable acts...gifts, let me do this for you and point it out...i want to just love him purely and simply and be so unconditional as I have received in return.

I am so happy and looking forward with such joy to April - to "make this man my family."

xoxoxo

Home for Christmas

2011-12-24T09:21:00.001-08:00

It was touch and go there for awhile. We are in the midst of a big, nasty 5 week med mal trial with a control freak judge and high-stress lawyers all on edge. But alas, it all worked out and I was able to get home for my last Christmas as a single gal. It is crazy and kind of sad to think that from now on we are going to have to "choose" families for the holidays -- my solution? Spend the holiday tucked in the Swiss or Austrian alps sipping hot cocoa and eating fondue. That is if our dream of going to Australia in the next year or so does not pan out. Hoping for this blessing in 2012.

Otherwise, it is a fabulous Christmas with over a foot of snow as a pristine blanket over the usually barren, brown desert. Mom and I could actually cross country ski around the property with abandon. don't ever remember being able to do that. Hopefully this great exercise will last the next few days...with over night temps of 17 below, should not be problem. I did realize how much I miss the snow and mountains. The question is whether i can truly deal with it on a long term basis. I sure do love my beach and sunshine and occasional thunderstorm.

good friends and blessings

2011-11-28T18:27:00.000-08:00

so this lawyer that used to work at my firm has been sending me cases. i feel like this is huge and I am eternally grateful for this bit of independence and trust from her. She is incredible. I am shopping for her on Dean and Deluca and discovering the joy (again) of giving back.

I am so blessed. Now if I don't mess these cases up!!!

Healthy Banana bread (muffins)

2011-03-04T04:48:00.001-08:00

I was craving it. Had some ripe bananas. Found this great recipe here, but modified it a bit.

Ingredients
•3 ripe bananas
•1/4 cup of honey
•1 TBPS olive oil
•1 Egg
•1 tsp vanilla extract
•1/2 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup bread flour
1/4 cup bran flour
•1 1/2 tsp baking soda
•1/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
•3/4 cup chopped toasted pecans.

*Instructions

1.Heat your oven to 350 F.
2.Grease your pan. (after i started, i realized i can't find my bread pan. muffin pans suffice, just lower the cooking time by about 15-20 minutes).
3.Mash up your ripe bananas and mix with the honey, its okay if it's a little lumpy.
4. Add the vanilla, egg, and oil to the banana mixture.
5.In a separate bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, powder, cinnamon, salt, and nuts.
6.Combine the two mixtures together. Don't over-mix!
7.Pour the mixture into your pan.
8.Bake for about 40 minutes. Use a toothpick to check for doneness.

girls night...

2011-01-06T20:51:00.001-08:00

leads to bringing up stories of the past. past relationships. things done wrong that you hope and know you will never repeat again. it is like a constant rotation around the table about stories of love, almost love, and the ultimate loss. the difference between the chase, being agressive, and learning to be loved.

There was some "diggin on bones" happening...talking about things that had happened to each of us in high school and college. Friends betraying us and such. I think back to Bonnie and Brad and the utter, gut shattering heartbreak I experienced. and thank the good Lord that is pretty much the worst of it. there was A, but other than that i sort of skitted along and broke as many hearts as "broke" mine; essentially broke even. but things that friends do to you at a young age dig deep and stay for a long time.

so i get home with my love and he immediately texts the friend that i had just been with and asks her to play golf tomorrow. something i have suggested we do 100 times and he never takes me up on the offer. she just happens to be essentially out of work thus no plans tomorrow, and, maybe, a better golfer than I. in any case...in my mind all i saw was them for three hours out on a sunny green. me in my office for seven or more fucking hours trying not to piss somebody off and being grateful that i have such a great spot. meanwhilte the two of them are cavorting. i voice my concern to him that, you know, doing a fun activity with a girl friend on a day that i feel trapped in the office and would love more than anything to do with you....it makes me feel bad about being jealous about it but at the same time i would never, ever, go do something like that with my guy friends. like, i don't have "just" guy friends any more. all my guy friends are also his guy friends. and i wouldn't hang out with them alone. certainly not for a sunny friday afernoon round of golf. i would rather do it with him. even if he had to work. i'd wait.

I know that it is 99.9999 percent my unreasonableness. but it is the age old feeling of keep your friends close and your enemies closer. she's a friend, but something about her just strikes me as an enemy. like she is the person who brings evereyone together because of her energy but pushes me away because she can be too all inclusive. like, we don't all have to do everything together all the time.

i know this is aterrible, terrible thing to say or think, but if he ever ever cheated with anyone, which i know he wouldn't, it would be her. but it would be all her. at least 90%. there is literally no one else on the planet that i worry about. ugh who knows. i contradict myself with every word. if i'm so sure, why is my stomach in knots?

the point is, at least in part, that i understand i'm being unreasonable, but that is just the way it is: unreasonable. I never told him not to go with her, but i made it clear i am not happy about the situation. thus, if he does go, he will feel bad about it. but i just don't think that it is proper for a person to go do some sort of special "acitivty" with someone else's boy/girlfriend (or fiance for that matter)... and it was as much the way he got all excited about it as anything. like it suddenly struck him that someone else had the day off tomorrow and the only person that mattered was her.

ugh. i make myself sick; at the same time, what am i supposed to do? Be like, go ahead baby, go spend the day with another girl. sure.

jealousy is there for a reason i guess. maybe to destroy. but maybe partially to protect.

was this me?

2010-12-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

wow

and then, just like that, a couple of months later, i met him. my bear. my lovey. my right hand. my heating pad. my force.

and then there were kids.

2010-12-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

i think i need to address this issue with myself. children. the whole thing really freaks me out. from the bodily changes to the birthing process to actually having to deal with a screaming pooping little being 24 hours a day reallllly freaks me out. i have utmost respect for the mothers of the world. i really do. procreation is the most selfless act that one can perform. it is exponentially so because i just don't get it. maybe the maternal instinct hasn't kicked in for me yet. but it just seems there are so many other things to do. its also one of those things, like, if i were to find out i couldn't have children it would be a devastating, life altering event and i probably couldn't recover from it. who knows. but i guess i'm just not one of those twenty-somethings who is pining for a baby. i have myself. i have my fiance. i am so happy just with him, i don't even want to rock the boat. i suppose in time that might change.

but then...i look at his sister. her kids seem to be tearing her marriage apart. or something is at work. the fact that the kids have them tied down and they can't chnage things to try to make the marriage work. that is scary. the permanence of it. that you have to, like, stay in one place and have long term goals for the sake of your children. it is a beautiful thing. just extremely scary.

so i get scared. like what if i never want to have kids. heck, what if i do? that is even scarier. Like, it almost seems kind of the easy way not to have kids. why deal with the challenge? probably most parents iwll tell you it is the most rewarding thing of life.

and then there is that whole "carrying-on the genes" or "carrying-on the name" thing. and like, at one point, what do you do if you don't have kids??? who takes care of you? but what if you raise them and they hate you and don't take care of you?

can i just say...

2010-12-25T16:24:00.000-08:00

how sad it makes me that so much of my life has gone unrecoreded over the past two years. it has been such an amazing, fulfilling, life changing period of time. perhaps it just wasn't an appropriate subject for excessive analysis. anyway, i should make a better effort. i feel like i say that every few months that i check in.

i used to be sooooo into reading the blogosphere....there were so many that i was literally HOOKED on...just stuck on people's lives and experiences and reading and seeing what different kids were all about. these days, i just can't find any that pique my interest. or that are work appropriate ;)

oh, the holidays

2010-12-25T16:09:00.000-08:00

So... Christmas dinner erupted into an argument about my priorities after my mother insisted that I go to church tomorrow in lieu of going tubing on the mountain with my best childhood friend. Apparently, I am not in my late twenties but rather my late teens.

Like, I get it. I get her religiosity and her committment and her passion. But my priorities are not her priorities and I am well passed the ripe old age at which she should have stopped imposing same on me. Most particularly when I went to church last night! ...and really, are we going to argue about this at the Christmas table? garrrr...these are the things that push me away. I had a striking realization sitting in my childhood church last night....that it had taken a frighteningly long time to get to where i am...a place that i am not devoured by guilt for not holding the same religion as my mother, but still understand and accept its precepts and in a general sense try to live my life in a certain moraled fashion. On the other hand, it took a lot of years of guilt and struggle and tears and fear to get out from under a strict religious upbringing.

it is interesting and perplexing how they (she) have accepted my relationship with my now-fiance...there is not a hint of religion in his life accept acceptance and understanding of my own confusion. this is the first relationship of my life in which my mother has not tirelessly judged and questioned the male's commitment to her (or similar) beliefs. Maybe it is because he is just so simply and genuinely good in a way that no amount of religious commitment can create. I mean, heck, my heart is darker and more conniving times 10 than he could ever hope to be and he was not raised on a 2x per Sunday and once on Wednesday church routine.

In any case, it sure felt good to vent to him and to you and to write again. sigh.

should dresses, curtains, and bedspreads match?

2010-07-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

only when the dress is from him :) I just want to put on the record that I would not wear this in July anywhere unless my love bear bought it for me.

the plates were clanging

2010-07-23T18:17:00.001-07:00

and i thought she was packing. pipe dreams. it's the little things.

had a WRETCHED conversation at happy hour tonight about parents and elderly-ness and nursing care, and other terrible topics that you never think of before 21. well maybe some people do, but thank the good Lord I did not. I am just so thankful over and over again that my parents are so healthy and strong and capable and there for me. and that they have each other. how important. wow what a terrible route to go down...and in so many ways happy that i do'nt have siblings to fight about stupid shit, i.e. money. i don't really care for a dime, i would rather have my parents for the next 40 years. I can't believe people fight about familial money. i just don't get it. maybe becuase my family doesn't have money, ha.

not to toot my own horn but...

2010-07-11T15:47:00.001-07:00

i just made the most delicious from-scratch pizza -- sauce and crust homemade and delicious mozzarrella. I'm starting to get really wierd and picky about eating anything processed or store/restaurant made without knowing precisely what is in it.

watched Spain beat the Netherlands today in World Cup -- downtown is craaazzzzyyyyy -- the honking horns have not stopped for hours. Spent yesterday at the Mango festival and today at the pool with girl friends drinking Margaritas -- something I never do as I usually opt to spend my weekends with my honey. but it was nice to have a "girly" weekend, eat what I want, do what I want, etc., but I miss my love!

we are planning a vacation to the Turks & Caicos -- I am apprehensive about asking for the time off work, whether I have to ask, and who to ask...but I guess at some point I get a vacation.

i LOVE Florida rain. it comes for a few minutes in the afternoon and cools things off, and then it clears out and creates amazing sunsets.

my hammock

2010-07-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

thank you daddy :) there is nothing like watching the sun go down, or seeing the water stretch out to the south from my beautiful purple plumb hammock that I got in Cozumel. My dad installed it at Christmastime after much griping.

So after my debbie nasty complainer face post of yesterday I figure I owe my future family and their city some credit. When we arrived on Friday morning we went to THE BEST coffee in the world...Vivianno. Then we got home -- ate this amazing bread and cheeses and sausages that they get at their incredible grocery store. Think whole foods meets trader joes and 6 tanks of live crabs and lobsters. hung out with the fam, made some sweet love and got ready for our big night at our now traditional 9 course restaurant downtown. There was leek (?) soup, beets with hummus, filet tacos, fried bread with truffles, some kind of poultry that i forget now, an amazing cheese plate, dessert of rice pudding with blueberries, strawberry shortcake, and some kind of baked fruit. I'm surprised I can remember that because you get a new wine or cocktail with each course. It is truly an incredible experience.

Then off to meet the buddies for more drinks, the west coasts' finest, and irish jig dancing. Deep talks with his friends about girls that none of us remember. Then we decided to call it a night ...except i couldn't and my man couldn't drive. I insisted that we go catch a ride to a friend's house and then go in a cab from there. Well, turns out that is not the easiest thing to do at 4 am in the suburbs. we walked. and walked. and walked. for about 3 miles. in the rain. in my gorgeous blue strappy suede sandles that looked soooo cute with my blue and white polka dot dress :( we fell. we laughed. we talked. we probably fought. but we saw the sun (almost) come up which was something i had not experienced with him in a really long time, if ever. A good, wild night.

The next day ensued with a wretched hangover, so much that my favorite mother in law said we both smelled like booze. we lazed around watching the world cup and eating more fabulousness. finally managed to walk down to the shore of the lake near their house, and took the granddaughter to collect shells. i am very strange with children. They're cool, but i feel awkward with them never having really been around any. At first I was kind of jealous (i know, wtf???) and I wanted him all to myself for this sunny warm day on the beach. but it was cool to see him interact with her and just get to chill out and watch. she was better than me at climbing the trail, that is for sure. honestly i have some issues if i am jealous of a five year old child.

that night we fell asleep super early, probably jet leg. the next day was fourth of july so we went to his friends' boat house on the lake -- it was sunny when we got there, within 20 minutes it was foggy, rainy and cold. and it stayed that way for the next 30 hours. i spent fourth of july huddled in blankets and cashmere, still a tad hungover from the night two nights before. we played kings cup (hello college!!!) but so much fun and I ate more chips than any human should. we grilled sausages and watched amazing, 20 mminute long fireworks at which I jumped every time they ignited. my lover bear wanted to stay in after instead of going to the bar which suprised me somewhat but i was totally fine with passing out in this gorgeous sunroom on the lake and waiting for daylight.

In the am, we had pastries, swiss artisan bread selected by the swiss friend himself, and naaaasty coffee. we made our way back to mom and dad's for showers and headed to the university district and to have lunch with the sister. We went to a great little thai place with these amazing tumeric noodles and soup. we talked about her impedning law school decision and gave her a black's law dictionary. she's going through an almost divorce -- i hope she doesn't do it. its complicated but i really really think they need to work things out. anyway, none of my business.

we went back to the rents for dinner -- we did NOT stop eating...after buying ridiculous amounts of food at the market. so nice and fresh. I took the red eye home compliments of sister's friends' pill prescribed by her doctor in Austria. ok. I slept well enough and was able to bill 6 and change on Tuesday, no small feat.

so that was that.

tonight was t road after work, and I considered the irony of my ex Jeff having taken me on our first date there and i was so wierded out by the place. never thought I would meet my future hubby there some two years later. love it.

le summer

2010-07-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

is halfway over :(

my life has become measured by the buildings going up around me, that when i started the lease had unobstructed views of Miami...now I look directly at a new apartment building -- don't even get me started on the color scheme -- a school, and now the first traces of a hotel. yuck. i heart this building, but soooooo over the noise. the smells of morning in the elevator. the lap pool...the insane valet situation...the beautiful, big, sunny windows....my hammock. i've really been spoiled here which makes finding a new place ridiculous.

just got back from inlaws' for the fourth of july-- interesting visit with the in-laws. I feel like mom is a little standoffish, at least at first. so much so that now reflecting, i found myself tied up with the 5 year old granddaughter teaching her about mermaids and dressup....avoidance? i guess i can't blame mom -- but i do get sick of suggestions that we move back to seattle. My strongest argument (that I can say to her face) is that it is too rainy and cold for me. the truth is somewhat further away. i starts something like, I don't want my children learning your language so that everyone around me can converse and I can't like you do too often as it is... i know that is your culture and who you are and you want to hold on to the old ways or whatever. but i'm sorry i don't like when you tell your son in a foreign language that i don't understand, in front of me, that i will be making dessert, and THEN complain that the dessert is not that great. i left out the sugar because you wanted it out. maybe your spoiled ass little grandchildren don't need to eat fish everynight that costs $12 a pound. phew that felt good.

but by the end she's all hugs and tears and friends. inviting my parents up for thanksgiving -- which he said was his parents' idea -- come to find out that it was actually his idea which he pinned on me in front of his mom. wtf??? then there was the comment that she's not sure why he likes me....well maybe he should just go find a good home-bodied (insert nationality here) girl like his sister who has not worked a day in her life but sure can speak the language. on that note, I actually really like the sister, and I feel like she is at least to some degree on my side. not that there are sides or anything. but you know, in-laws. they are always going to take ONE side or the other.

i hate sounding bitter and gripey, i mean they really are a great family but i think we are all still feeling eachother out. i just kept thinking the whole time that i was there,like, this is going to be a lifetime struggle. and it made me question, you know, my dad's relationship with my grandparents and my mom's relationship with my dad's parents...and as far as I know there was not one. however, my dad goes to visit my mom's parents when he is back east so i find that somewhat intersting. of course i was young when my dad's parents were around -- but it has always struck me that we never spent summers with them, i always got sent to PA with my mom's parents. which is AWESOME, but i'm just saying. even as a child i noticed a discrepancy.

in any event, marriage to me is FOREVER -- and i now realize to some degree or am trying to realize, the implications of actually marrying a family. and things chaaaaaange over the years....seeing how my possible in=laws talked about my bf's sister's husband as theya re in the midst of trying to avoid divorce...it was like all his fault. as an outside observer i think he is completely justified in his behavior. i won't even get into how awkward it was having dinner with him there and dying, just dying, to ask him what i was getting myself into. and the awkward silences stemming from me knowing more than i probably should, but at the same time only knowing one side of the story and feeling his pain.

it was strange because i was feeling all tense about it during the weekend, and then by the last day when we were leaving, like, i didn't want to leave. i got teary and sad and felt like i was coming back to be here all alone. often on my thoughts was my bf's statements over and over again that he moved away first to LA then to MIA to avoid his overbearing mother. and HOW does one approach the subject of their significant other's mother with their significant other???? i mean, obviously my mother has had her moments too so i need to keep a very close check on myself getting carried away.

in OOOOOTTTTHER news...i wonder waht is up with my parents' marriage anyway. my mom was gone for 10 days on a trip, got back for a few, my dad left to his hometown for a month. my mom works a lot when she is home, and all she talks to me about it seems like is her work drama with Dr. P and the bevy of women he is involved with following his wife's tragic death. She needs to live in a city. I feel like she is so stifled out there, but my dad just doesn't get it and won't budge. wow marriage looks better and better every day.

i love my bear, i want him home.

that was gross

2010-06-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

i really disgusted myself last night. i let my jealousy completely take control and caused a huge fight. What he said to this girl was, I thought and still think, disrespectful to me and uneccessary. However, I have had underlying issues against her all along and this was my chance to bring it up. Instead I flipped it on him and made him the bad guy. He takes the position that he's just a joker and that is his personality and i need to just deal with it. But at the same time when he crosses the line that makes me upset, he needs to know without throwing it back at me like I am an overreactive baby. The girl in me gets upset. I admit I should have just let it go, but I was upset that he wasn't understanding why upset in the first place and then refusing to recognize that what he said was offensive.

So we kind of fought in the street and he took off and went home and I went home. That is the first time we ever had a fight where we separated like that...so it leave sme wondering if relationships just have to progress that way. I mean I NEVER want that to happen again. Even this morning I was wretched inside and still mad but I would rather him have been next to me instead of the playing "who is gonna call first" game. ugh. I mean I am just disgusted. Like my jealousy of this friendship he has with this girl is just exhausting which i now realize. Honestly I know I am too hard on him sometimes but that is because I am afraid that if I'm not I will get taken advantage of like I have in the past. And while I believe with every bone in my body that he is not that type of guy, I am also of the opinon that letting things slide all the time will result in creating some level of "That type of guy."

anyway I do need to make a concerted effort just to love him more, you know? Like go out of my way for him and do things that I know he likes. I think some of that has fallen off on my part as this thing has gone on. One year in two weeks :) I've been feeling kind of down for unexplained reasons and generally kind of blah and wondering a lot about direction and what i'm doing and what it's all about. But at the end of the day having him is the best thing in my life and has really become the center of it. Which, at the same time, I get scared that it is unhealthy. I mean obviously an all-consuming relationship is not a good thing; but at the same time love is a beautiful amazing thing and if I want to spend all my time and devote all this to someone, why shouldn't I?

and once again...

2010-05-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

i update once every, like, 3 months. I am so proud of myself for having kept up with this so well throughout law school and the end of college. It is fun/dramatizing/invigorating/depressing to look back at those years and the things that were going through my head. It is compelling to read about people who affected me so severely that are not even part of my life any more. It's insane the things that mattered. It is fulfilling to look at goals that have been achieved and dreams that have literally come true. Amazing to learn how perspectives change and how one day to the next is always truly an adventure.

I, as I usually do, read through the "May" entries to see what i was doing this time a year, two years, three, and now four, years ago. CRAZY!!!! College graduation, the time right before Europe, the time right before I started my job (internship) and time right around law school graduation and beginning of bar study.

Now here I am, a full-fledged lawyer. pretty wild ride it has been. but beautiful. by way of update, i am still in a full-fledged (healthy -- yay!) relationship with the love of my life. I love him more every day and am so thankful that there are still people like him left in the world. so many of my issues with men and trust and on an on are just put to rest like i never even rememnered i had them. reading all that old nonsense makes me realize how fortunate I am to have someone like him, but also how much I have learned and experienced.

My life outside of him basically consists of working. I truly love my job -- i mean, working BLOWS in terms of working for the man and giving someone else my time -- but i am extremely fortunate to be in a good spot and be respected and appreciated enough to not completely dread getting up in the morning.

my personal life, i.e. friends is minimal. something that i know i need to work on. I've compeltely become the girl with the boyfriend that just kind of blocks everyone out. Its not really intentional, but its like my free time is so limited now, i want to be with him or i want to be alone. i do feel like it is a bit unhealthy but at the same time why should i force myself into friendships that i just honestly don't want to make time for. I do the occasional happy hour and lunches and stuff like that but i do need a good girl - friend to gab with guy stuff and makeup and that kind of thing. but i guess i will just keep trusting that person will show up. in the mean time i am happy figuring it out.

my relationship with my roommate has deteriorated majorly. if i am honest with myself i know that it is because deep down i just don't really like her and we don't see eye to eye on many things...i have always felt a little "off" about our relationship but she is a good roommate so i have always made it work. But we've basically decided that our relationship is beyond the point of repair -- she blames me for having the BF over too much, and i blame her for not accepting my transition into a relationship. She claims i am a completely different person than i was a year ago, and yes, i am. things have 100% changed, you know? anyway, it is such a negative thing to not speak with the person that you live with so i am just taking it day by day for the next couple of months.

my parents are doing well -- i miss them terribly. it is so hard to picture where life will go in the next five years or so. while i can never imagine moving back home, i think now that at least moving back to the state is not totally out of the question, at least temporarily. but i can't imagine going without my honey, and he has his sights set on Seattle, so we may have to meet somewhere in the middle. we shall see.

c'est la vie!

moments of crisis

2010-02-07T19:25:00.000-08:00

seeing as how i only tend to update this thing during them, i probably come off as a complete nut job if anyone out there in the universe still reads this.

In any event, I'm feeling an awfully lot unlike myself lately; for the first time in a long time I don't have a constant sense of satisfaction and overall cheeriness. I'm feeling melancholy and scattered and basically just all over the board between bitchy and controlling and selfish to scared and trapped and stagnant.

I would like to attribute a lot of it to my taking a second bar exam in a few weeks. I am hoping that this will all largely pass at that point. This is the first time that I feel my bf and I may be hitting a bit of a rough patch -- mostly defined by me freaking out about the kind of stuff that I used to judge other girls for freaking out about in relationships: not calling when supposed to, being around other girls, or painting the town red with his buddies or not spending enough time, in general, with me. All incidences that are likely related to me feeling obligated to study much of the time while he has free time...I feel him pulling to go out drinking while I have to stay in Friday night. And then I question his drinking and going out and whether it is something that is going to cause a problem for me irrespective of the bar. and then I think of what a judgemental awful person I am for even thinking that way. he is a fun loving kid, and that is one of the things i love most about him. I guess it is just so hard and unfair-feeling for me to have to just watch it. I end up feeling like a nasty controlling girlfriend who won't let him have any fun or something.

it's pretty awful. I mean i guess if that is the extent of my problem it is really not that awful and it will pass. I'm just feeling very emotional...crying for no obvious reason and needing a lot of attention. pretty gross actually, I disgust myself. i think I need to pull back a little bit and just focus on me for the next few weeks and this test.

in any event I guess the bright side is I am recognizing my neurosis...which in fact might make it worse...i feel like i am just being out of line and crazy, but then i make myself feel guilty about it and i wonder if i should just feel it out and do the thing you know?

i'm just saying, don't say to me...glad you came over, wish i could have seen you more....after you spent the last hour playing beer pong. I mean really? irritating.

love

2009-12-05T16:22:00.001-08:00

I'm 100% bitten by the bug. He went home with me for Thanksgiving -- I was more apprehensive about spending 5 straight days toghether...something we have never done...than him meeting my family. Of course he was wonderful with them in and fit in like he was made for us.

I have gotten over my anxiety about being in a relationship generally, and have decided to just dive right in. He's become my best friend and it is crazy to think how someone you didn't even know 6 months ago can affect you so much such that you cannot imagine life without them.

I am going to meet his family for New Year's in Seattle, about which I am very excited. I'm excited about this ride that I'm on...he brings me so much joy and is so good to me. It makes me look back on relationships past and just marvel at the way I was treated. I never put up with more than I should have, but there are certain individuals in my past that I let have way too much control for way too long. It is so gratifying to have broken free from those attachments now. The main one that comes to mind is A. The time I spent pining over such a broken and impossible relationship is just hilarious at this point. I can't even bitter...I'm just amazed and awed at how far I have come, and how an amazing person like B can heal so much baggage.

love him.

more firsts

2009-11-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is my first hearing :) I have to admit it is a tad anti climatic, as two previous ones have been cancelled. But I am excited nonetheless, although I am not arguing anything, just appearing.

went to see my grandparents outside Pittsburgh over the weekend -- they are so awesome. what an example of true love. makes me do a lot of exploring and self-questioning as to the pureness of my heart and motives.

antsy. i want to go around the world. getting that stagnant, routine feeling. Thank God the holidays are coming up.

The bf is heading home with me, and I will be going with him for new years. I would be lying if I said I could put a finger on the way I feel about it. I am so excited in so many ways, but part of me does not want this to be the end-all. And I know that it may or may not be, and I have no idea, but it is a scary thought to think or feel that is possible. i don't know why I can't just be a normal person and not be apprehensive about having met a wonderful guy, and where we are going together.

let me put on my analysis hat. yuck. why do i keep wanting to run away from this stuff? Yet he makes me so happy and fills up so much of my life. I think I am just still tempted with the single world, that is not really as glamorous as my grass-is-greener self makes it. In fact, I know this yet continue to torture myself. Like, what am I going to do right now anyway? learning to take one day at a time is truly a learning process.

a book i read recently made me stop and consider how much time I spend in the past, present, and future....clearly spending waaaayyyyy to much in the future. making a concerted effort to live every moment right now.

That damn single itch

2009-10-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

itches me sometimes. But he is still there by my side. I feel like "we" are in synch, but I am out of synch. Not sure where I am, where I am going.

"23. wow. ok when did THAT happen? Somewhere between high school and college and boys and parties and traveling and law school and moving i've turned 23. it's craaaaaazy!"....from the blog I kept at age 23. I feel the same now. craaaaaaazy! Excuse all the birthday reflection and drama, but it truly is wild to see the numbers on a page.

I just thought about the 21 - year old mix interview yesterday. wow.

Reading over these old posts...yup...first year I have not been plastered on my birthday since probably 21 :) ahhhh but what great years!

another year

2009-10-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

older means another year wiser, they say, right? At least on paper I feel I got it this year. Every day is a lesson, that is for sure.

Twenty-five was a good one....graduating law school, passing the bar and going to Thailand are definitely the highlights. NOt to mention Vancouver and some fun road trips (with A and D) and SF trips with Dust. Feeling like I am truly a woman now, an adult, a young adult. A professional. Really a great time in my life, I am happy where I am and exactly where I want and need to be right now. I am starting to feel the snowball effect of life, like it is just coming really fast, but I feel empowered to handle it minus the occassional freak out. I am starting to fear the rut, the easy road, and the possibility that I will get sucked into it. I always want to have an adventure on the horizon. I fear that I will lose the desire to have the adventure more than that I will actually fail to have adventures. I guess one is a catapult into the other.

Life is really good though and I am so thankful for so many things. Every day is something new and another beautiful suprise. Obviously, birthdays are full of them :), but they make you realize how loved you are and that even at the end of the day someone actually cares enough to write you a card. Even if it is mom.

I wonder where I thought I would be as I ended 25 and began 26, when I was 16...or 21...Probably thought I was going to be a hot shot executive with a corner office and adorable suits and a rich boyfriend and a red convertible and the social climber lifestyle. I can say I have the suits, and I have a great boyfriend no matter how rich he is or isn't, and the other stuff seems less important somehow. My office keeps bread in my basket so that is all that matters, and the car will come soon enough.

Well for that thought, I imagine by 31 (5 years) I will be with the man I want to spend my life with....probably close to marriage if not already. BTW it is so crazy to think I could be maried in five years. Be pretty satisfied with my career, set so that I can have a baby within a few. Will have lived abroad for at least a year. Will have tried a case. Will have had a heartbeak. Will hopefully have that little convertible, or at least had it for a temporary time. Will have passed at least 2 other bars. Traveled extensively in South America. Life changing honeymon. Still in Miami? I think so.

This makes me wish I had bought this neat "5 year plan book" when I was at a rummage sale with Dust. I was too scared to. As much as I would like to think I am not a planner, I am. Thank God for Amazon.com.

By 36...hopefully married and if not, probably FREAAAAKING out about it, haha. Baby or toddler....yeah. Fun to think I will hopefully be a mommy in the next ten years. Fun to think I will eventually be that selfless. Career...hopefully baby is taking over that part of my life for the time being. Transiberian railway...check. Africa...check. Patagona...check. Still in Miami....maybe not. Although the thought breaks my heart. Temporary residence in Miami...hopefully.

It is so fun to dream about the future....here's hoping they all come true as they already have :) And I have to say, I'm not sure what happened between 22 and 26....wow....time FLIES.

dependency

2009-10-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how quickly a person can come into your life and completely change it. For better or worse, we become dependent so quickly.

Our relationship recently hit a transition point... we had a few fights, a few moments of disrespect, and a few moments of oh, crap, I need this person. I won't go into the details but one of them involves something he said about me, to my boss, that was completey disrespectful. Now, that being said, in my heart I kind of don't think he actually said it, but instead that my boss or his girlfriend who heard it misinterpreted. BUT, he also said something to me right before that makes me think he WAS capable of saying what he said. I mean it really disguts me what he said, and the fact that he said it to my boss is humiliating. but we all make mistakes...but it was just shocking to me because he has never acted in the least bit disrespectful to me.

so that is what makes me think we are reaching that "comfort" zone where he is getting a little lippier, a little drunker around me, etc. which is what i HATE about relationships. i love the first few months of deceit, i guess. which maybe has been my problem in the past, like i can't get past the point where you have to just accept someone for who they are, faults and all. of course there is a fine line when respect issues are on the line and stuff...and for that reason, my radar is out and finely tuned right now... i don't want to get fooled the way i did with the Virus.

and beyond that, the other thing i hate about relationships is feeling like i am losing my independence. no matter how much you think you are independent and don't need anyone, a relationship makes you realize how much more pleasant and easy life is when you have someone to count on.

it is all a love-hate thing for me, constantly.

beyond that, work is good. i'm starting to settle in, but i still feel sooooo lost. but i thank God every day for my ocean view :)

the devil wore black sweats

2009-10-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

And a pink top that got her all over thailand. This time two months ago I was well on my way.

i fucking hate emotions. I hate how i feel right now...torn up, exhausted, no end in sight. just all over the board, shocker. waiting for my own boyfriend to get his shit together. digesting the problems that are starting to come out. and just trying to deal with it and knowing that no one is perfect, mostly me. i mean i am completely blameful in this situation but i still want to angst at him.

tryyyyyying to be strong. what do words really mean anyway?

having my cake

2009-09-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

and enjoying it.

I swear, they are on opposite schedules. One is out of town, the other is here. One is perfect, the other one...I can pick out flaws like strawberries. But for some sick reason it is still fun to somehow tease myself with the past...even the future.

I guess this is all part of falling in love...it is truly amazing how the past and its accompanying baggage has just faded into this wierd haze of fun memories, tinted with rose and all. At the same time, the past is defining, and strong and even beyond that I feel like I almost owe it to my old self and my new self to settle the score in some things. And I don't even mean settle forever, just settle in my heart so I can get through the day accepting that this is me now and it is wonderful. and all the changes that encompasses. changes that are hard for me, but welcome...i've always liked a challenge

in other news, I told my mother today that I wanted to bring him home for thanksgiving. there was a long silence followed by "Well, you know we only have the one bed now..."....yes mom...He can sleep on the couch. Seriously? But then she was excited. So now I think she knows this is something "real" .... at least moreso than in the past for me. I mean, i have NEVER brought a guy home...i'm sure this is rocking the K household tonight, I don't really feel like dealing with it in terms of returning her phonecall.

I was just telling Rebs how I feel like working is really good for me in terms of not stressing about the future... like right now I am just looking to get to the weekend, enjoy that, and face Monday. Before it was like, ok what is happening in thre months, waht's my next trip, when am I getting this place, etc....now I just have to go with it.

who knew having a boyfriend would be fun?

2009-09-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

i always thought having a boyfriend was the end of my fun days.

Au contrare....

I'm sending a box of gingersnaps and pink lace panties to his hotel room in South Carolina since he is away for work for the week. Along with a card with one of the slickest kinky messages I've ever come up with.

I stand corrected.

he's out of town

2009-09-25T20:04:00.001-07:00

so i'm lonely :(

but good for me to spend time alone. Amazing how the work week zaps your time...this leaves like 4 hours on Saturday to get EVERYTHING done...along with the rest of the city. And Miami is not a fun city to run errands in.

Transit is, by far, the best bar in Miami...and I can't wait for a.m. yoga. So glad I have found a few things to center me during the week. I just need to make time for the grocery store and NOT spending money on going out to lunch every day.

Goals for the week:

2 lunches out.
3 salads.
4 workouts
send Babe a card.
clean.
organize new dresser.
be good at my job.
look good doing it :)

what an amazing day

2009-09-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

Passed the bar!!!

the wait was absolutely making me batty....the nausea every time I thought of it...that tense feeling in my stomach...the being testy and anxious. But it is over, and I PASSED. My heart was thumping out of my chest yesterday while waiting for the results. I was literally on my knees in front of my computer screen in my office, shaking like crazy. What an incredible wave of relief. And it has slowly been setting in over the past day that I am an attorney, just like I have been striving for for so long! It is truly a surreal feeling...

So far loving my job. I feel clueless and clumsy, but my cases are interesting and I'm learning a ton -- basic office type stuff, and legal stuff.

The boyfriend is awesome...he amazes me and I love him more every day. He suprised me by taking me to this adorable, delicious hole in the wall Peruvian restaurant last night... picked out Pinot Noir...ate mashed potato/avocado/mushroom/octopus glory with me. Incredible man...I feel so great these days, the sun is bright, I saw a rainbow this morning...:o) Loooooovvvvveeee is such a beautiful thing, and it has been so long. But every day that I've had to wait makes it so much better.

4pm

2009-09-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

today...i decided that i am ready for retirement. my shoulders and eyes were aching, i wanted a beer. but the flip side is having nothing to do or lacking a challenge. i mean, i truly like my job...I'm interested in what I am doing. just the grind of 9-6 (and being SPENT at 4 but having to stay because of guilt and obligation) SUUUUCCCKKKKS....but it was my FIRST payday so that was super exciting and amazing. and then i had to turn around and pay off my bills. sweet. but i am just happy that i can pay them.

besides that, something else that i knew was inevitable happened...the phone call invitation from Work guy to happy hour. yup. and you KNOW i went. i thought of all these work-related reasons to go, but the reality is i wanted to and it raised as many questions as it answered.

B and I had a nice drunken conversation the other night about the future. him going back to school and how i don't want to be dating a student for the next 5 years. how he wants two kids, i want one. how we have this whole life planned all of a sudden, and i don't even know where i want to live 3 years from now. but somehow that also seemed to fit into his plan. but now in the haze of the week i don't even know. i love it here. i can't imagine leaving. so now i am questioning how much of my loving it and feeling content is from meeting HIM and him being my partner in crime lately. and WHY i still act this way with work guy. i wonder what he and Dam are talking about with Terrance right now.

i love life.

9/9/09

2009-09-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

that's pretty cool, right? At 9:09 p.m. on 9/9/09 i was talking to Baz...at 9:09 a.m. I was sitting at my desk, most likely.

got roped in to doing fantasy draft for the boys tonight. free beer and dinner? sold. we had an atty meeting wherein I had to introduce myself -- tres shy and awkward --- its nice to see everyone again...i just wonder how long the new fun-ness will last? Ok, don't be a debbie downer. just trying to watch my lip at this point and not do or say anything stupid. sometimes I feel like I need my hand held. there are a lot of things i prefer to do by myself, but i find at work i am like ok i need someone to be with me, go with me, what are others doing kind of feeling?

tired. moving to Thailand or Peru.

firsts.

2009-09-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of firsts in life related to professional development...first day of school, first day of high school, first day of college, first day of law school, first day of bar study...and now the first day of "associate" is nearing to an end. It was quite nice...a nice smooth transition for the most part. It did not feel overwhelming, until just now i stopped to think that maybe the reason I was so cold to B was that I am feeling just a tad overwhelmed...not with workload or anything like that (yet), but just the general life change. It is not a bad feeling...just one that I am trying to savor every minute of because I want to make sure i tread carefully, wisely, and make the right decisions. At a crucial turning point, decisions become vitally important and cannot be made through smoke and mirrors.

I don't mean to overdramatize a particular "day" or "week" or "month" or whatever, and I know that in time it all tends to fade into more of a feeling or a glimpse than a specific, stark memory. But, it is very important for me to feel every minute of it and experience every second of the excitement to the fullest because that is how I love to live my life...It makes me very happy when I feel that way, as opposed to stressing about what might happen a day, week, year from now. Kind of ironic that the beginning of a career such as mine has a strange calming and centering effect on me in many ways.

In other thoughts...is it bad to re-use lines that have been given to me in the past? For example, I remember Lawyer once telling me that he "has trouble letting people into his life"...it stung so horribly at the time, but with the understanding that only comes with age and experience, I have come to realize that it may have stung him more to say it. I feel that way incredibly sometime...and wonder why I can't just include or embrace or let myself go into someone that seems right on so many levels. I can always think of an excuse to avoid it. Some days i feel incredibly welcoming and receptive and open, but then a glance or a word or a silly memory can seem to derail me. Or center me...although sometimes I cannot seem to tell whether I am being centered or derailed.

again, overwhelmed, in a beautiful way.

feeling Thai-sick

2009-09-07T16:54:00.001-07:00

that is, I miss Thailand.

Start the big J-O-B tomorrow...what an incredible transition to be going in one door and out another. On the cusp of my career...really just savoring the moment. I am truly excited about starting...nervous...and wondering most of all how my life is about to change. And then wondering if it will really change all that much, at the core. And whether I want it to?

Are my carefree beach days and yoga classes and cooking hours going to stick around? Are they really all that carefree as it is? There is always something to stress about I suppose.

I am beginning to really see what a learning experience school is socially...wondering how that plays out into the workforce. I have spent so much time training! Bring it on!

Its funny, I've been noticing all these "job" or "new career" tips lately... such as...firm handshakes, eye contact, being respectful. All very simple things that I think make a huge difference. Curious to see my office, my secretary, my view, my cases, my co-workers. Hoping I still remember something from law school.

got the suit picked out ;)

go canes!

Miami is beautiful

2009-09-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I could ever leave this place. It has the most beautiful clouds and sky, the weather is unbeatable. It is vibrant and chaotic, but set against the calmness and beauty of the sea and palm trees it strikes a perfect balance. And there is nothing like finding sanctuary in your own home. I love my windows :)

I love my outdoor, FREE (thanks, city of Miami, for doing something right) yoga class by the bay. Yesterday this random parrot came out of nowhere and landed on a few people during class. I never could tell whether it was wild or belonged to someone as a pet, but it is the kind of thing that would only happen here.

I rode the mover home and there were 3 European tourists...I was trying to figure out where they were from and watching the mannerisms and excitement was cute. Trying to imagine what they see of this city through their eyes.

7 days.

reality awaits

2009-08-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

took the bar...what a terrible experience. I don't even know how to feel about it, but fortunately was so mentally exhausted afterward that I have not spent a lot of time stressint out, at least not compared to how much i spent before I took it.

Went to Thailand for 3.5 weeks with my mom -- completely the trip of a lifetime....we went to Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Chiang Dao, Krabi beach, Koh Tao, and Koh Samui...so many great memories...I kept a diary on it.
Asia truly felt like being in another world...it continually amazes me how other cultures are so much the same yet so different. It is hard to chose a favorite place or activity or memory, but suffice it to say I did my best to enjoy every single minute of not having any concerns.

I start my job a week from now...I am looking forward with anticipation, a little nervous, excited, happy...I basically have my dream job and am exactly where I want to be, or at least I have that in my head...so it will be interesting to see how reality measures up. Obviously 9-5 (or 8) sucks and is a total life change, but one I feel I am ready for...could not handle any more school and honestly am a little bored and need somewhere to put my energies. And also keep telling myself that if it is absolutely terrible, I have other options.

I've met a truly sweet guy. Of course I have my committment issues and what not, but he is incredible and every day amazes me with reminders of how I should be treated. It is becoming strikingly clear how a relationship should work and can work when it is right, as compared to my strings of meaningless dating in the past. I shouldn't say meaningless, I just mean everything with he and I seems to fit really well. Like, we have the same group of friends so there is no awkwardness of wondering whether he will "fit in" with them...he has a good family...we like the same things....he likes to have adventures...he's tall...blue eyes...well-educated and smart...makes me laugh and smile....the opposite of flaky...

during the Bar he brought me a beautiful sunflower to the dreary library, made me dinner and brought it to me to eat late at night, always reminds me that he is thinking about me. He was so supportive during the bar, and I most certainly was not a pleasant person so that really impressed me. He's just as great as can be and I honestly believe that he came to me at just the right time. he was exactly what I needed then and there and everything has been good.

I was feeling a tad overwhelmed with it right after the Bar because it was like omg I have my life back, now what? But at the same time I wanted to spend every second I could with him before I left for Thailand. And then I got back last week and we have spent a ton of time together and its awesome. Although I do feel like life is coming at me fast right now, its like I trust him enough and he is realiable enough to be there with me through it. He's a strong guy, he remembers the randomest details so i know he actually listens (most of the time...after all he is still a man...)...

anyway, I'm gushing, but he's refreshing and I am thrilled. He's so good to me that it makes me just want to be like that with him....I've always felt like I wanted a person to just shower with affection and care and all that but no one ever seemed right to reciprocate it...he does and I have had so much fun showing him how I feel....although I'm not sure what it is yet, I know it is something special and different.

He left for a week for work and to go home for a wedding, and I am dreading the boredom without him around, but I also think the space is good, especially since I am starting work I need to just get my head together and do all MY stuff that needs to be straight.

Anyway, maybe in my new life I will actually get around to blogging more. I miss it.

whooooaaa

2009-07-18T08:44:00.001-07:00

it just hit me that I'm taking the Florida Bar Exam next week. It obviously didn't JUST hit me, but it did in a different sort of way than before.

It just sounds so...major and serious and adult-like. I'm excited in a strange way. It is definitely a point I have worked my whole life for.

Now back to the books so I can make it happen.

is it really mid-july?

2009-07-13T18:54:00.001-07:00

time is flying....

went home for the fourth of July...in midst of Bar madness right now. It really is as bad as they say, but I am doing my best to keep positive and not stress myself out so much...i'm definitely the direct cause of 90% of my stress.

not that i haven't made time for a certain new someone...a crush...distraction...that is all i am going to say. just trying not to let my head get in way of my heart.

the days have blended to weeks and now the Bar is within sight...as well as the end of it. It is such a routine, literally wake up, run, breakfast, library, lunch, library, dinner, pass time til bed, sleep, wake up. i've had a few random stress induced freak outs about random things and general stress and waking up early -- some days are a lot worse than others for some reason... i really just have to get ahold of the self-doubt because I think that is the most destructive for me.

I really hope it is just a matter of putting in the time. I'm trying my best but practice test scores can be discouraging when its been nothing but study for 6 weeks and I don't see the results i would like. but I also think that is the name of this game...at least I hope so.

its hard to come home and turn off too... like i feel guilty leaving school at 7 after having been there all day and i feel guilty messing around at home instead of reading or doing practice questions. planning my THAILAND trip is a fun distraction....I'm SO excited...

talked to work today -- start the day after Labor day...weeeee!!!

moping

2009-06-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

so i let myself cry last night and today, mope around and feel sorry for myself becuase of the Brad engagement. i thought about the past and analyzed all the different ways my life could have gone. but the point is there was a beautiful sunset tonight, one of those big, orange, suns... and i had already decided that tomorrow is going to be a new day and i'm done being upset about decisions i have made regarding past relationships. it is destructive, counterproductive, exhausting, distracting and just plain silly. so as the clock turns tonight i am excited more than ever for the promise of a new day. (enter Celine Dion).

As usual, I felt what I needed to feel, let myself do it, and now i'm just plain worn out on the topic. life goes on. carpe diem. life is too short and too exciting. I mean honestly there are so many amazing things and experiences and people in my life i can't believe i actually wasted this day of my life (not to mention other people's time who were forced to listen to me complain) being so ridiculous. no mas.

i knew he had been on my mind for a reason

2009-06-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

just found out brad is engaged. damn fucking facebook i knew i never went on there for good reason. he's been on my mind a lot lately and i had a dream about him last night. i guess some small vain hope in me thought i would get him again.

i feel so lonely and i went through this whole day of really regretting the way that i handled our relationship last week. i mean i know that ultimately i made the right decision, but it is just really hard to see that happening for him and not me. i am of course happy that he found someone that makes him happy but it breaks my heart to know the ring he gave me still sits in my jewelry box AND that the decision had ultimately rested with me. beating myself up over my selfishness that resulted in the destruction of that relationship. i hate this feeling.

oh, and the irony that summer 2009 was when we were going to get married. he got engaged instead. he asked me and i wouldn't have him.

back to zero

2009-06-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

so studying for the Bar this week has not been THAT bad... i think i wore myself out with the stress the past few weeks that now i am just like whatever. not whatever about the Bar, but like, whatever, I can do what I do and I feel like I am getting it.

very comparable to first year...the same kind of stress level and unknowing-ness.

I feel like i am going through a lot emotionally, mentally, relational-ly, sexually...basically just trying to process and get through the days. it is unarticulable.

..."all i ever wanted was your life...." Chili Peppers...

So I just realized it is mid-june. That's so crazy. One of my best friends from high school is on her second marriage in a few weeks. I can remember when one year into her first, she asked me to be her divorce lawyer. I haven't had my first. so crazy how myspace and facebook etc. let you keep up with everyone's life. Amazing how perceptions and interpretations of marriage change and evolve as much as with your own experience as with everyone else's.

still talking to DJ. still concerns about emotional attachment yet somehow it is fitting. learning daily to live in the moment. Back to zero. Thailand in 1.5 months.

I feel like trolling memory lane...

and then...

2009-06-04T19:03:00.001-07:00

my mom sent me this. Super cheesey, but still encouraging:

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear your nice clothes. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we would grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

is this what obsession feels like?

2009-06-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

or just puppy love? or unrequited love?

WTF I can't stop thinking about Work guy. I go back and forth between thinking this is my mind's way of being distracted from Trusts and Real Property to thinking maybe something real is going on, maybe I should talk to him, gauge things. But then rational-me thinks maybe I am in this wierd life warp called bar exam and nothing is really normal and everything is tense, myself included. So it probably isn't the best time to take my feelings seriously.

I just got this waive of fear that he is going to meet someone else. I pictured it, and the accompanying feeling, and lost all focus. That would kill me. Anyways, why am I even thinking like this? I'm just wondering if maybe i should say something to him or let him know or if I am being completely unreasonable. There are plenty of fish in the sea, right?

what is it about testing that makes you crazy?

2009-06-01T17:11:00.001-07:00

I can't explain it...but since the Bar came into focus I feel "it" slowly slipping away...and by "it" I mean my sanity.

The dumbest little things are bothering me, like the fact that my roommate ate the rest of the pizza and hasn't offered to drive. The fact that Country told my other friend that i have a boyfriend...what is motive behind this is remains to be seen...when I asked him about it he came at me like a big shot lawyer, and i was just like DUDE shut up, I am human...talk to me like a friend, not a lawyer. the fact that I want to be nothing but alone, yet am consumed by loneliness at the same time. the fact that i am being uuuubbbbber dramatic about everything, psycho about my workouts and meals and planning accordingly...the complete mood swings from bitch to Miss Sunshine.

wow. it felt good to get that down. then again, perhaps one happy side effect of the Bar is the excuse to be a little bit nutty...and it sort of defines the whole transition from "studenthood" to "adulthood"....and wow what a fun time THAT is. *enter serious sarcasm*....

i just feel and know that i need something bigger than me to get me through this time right now...and I like the good excuse not to go out every night and not feel bad or awkward about it. contrast that with feelings of being completely anti-social one minute and restless as all heck the next. yuck.

on a happier note, am still on contact with DJ. he's so cute. He's like "why are you studying so much"....which presses me on towards thinking seriously about the benefits of dating non-lawyers.

...again ...the bar...

A lot of it seems to be getting a schedule study down, which I am trying to do. it is getting easier day by day. i defintely need the structure to make myself do work. but i also need my space which freaks me out because i dn't want to spend the summer completely alone and blocking everyone out. when i do get around others it is so unusual that i feel a little nutty. what the HECK is going on!?!? I need this little adjustment phase to pass...

no one gives a damn about her hair

2009-05-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

weeeeee Bar study....ahhhh I missed you blogger!!

for some reason Work guy has been on my mind all week...probably because I saw him last week...although slowly fading (i thank my brain for that).... maybe seeing him was a mistake, but i am trying to figure out why i cannot shake his thought...maybe it is just obsession for something to obsess over in the midst of Constitutional law and Real Property and MBE and Florida distinctions. eww.

Bought a last minute ticket to San Fran on Thursday and spent Memorial Day weekend with Dust. it was awesome...we saw Kaskade on Friday and spent Saturday pillaging Whole Paycheck, Taqueria Cancun, the pirate store and some neat shops that I can dream about affording one day. Dust had to work, so I went in search of a sourdough bread bowl and failed...wound up with amazing lasagna in North Beach and getting lost and feeling like I was in Europe meets China town.

Sunday I got up early to study, we hit a rummage sale...I passed on a "5 year plan" book and opted for the RasaExotica CD and some cool history of rural women book. Then we went to La Mar for Pisco Sours and Ceviche...felt just like being in Lima again. I want to go back there....take my mom...or a lover...what an amazing place. We went from there to the slanted door for old time sakes, then to fisherman's wharf so I could get my bread bowl...then Buena Vista for Irish Coffees and on to all-you-can-eat sushi.

We topped off the night with some wine from Whole Paycheck and watching The Reader. What an amazing film...makes me want to seduce a younger man.

Had dinner with Jank tonight...she was Ms. Positivity tonight which I really needed. We talked about the neccessity and beauty of living in the moment and where we are in our life and how bad we need to seize every moment. Possibilities in my five year plan:

1. teach for america
2. clerkship
3. man and babies
4. write a book
5. LLM

In no particular order. It is exciting to think about options.

Studying for the bar sucks...but in a sick way I like the routine and the excuse to be a little bit nutty...

bigtopworld, J.D.

2009-05-18T16:47:00.000-07:00

Graduation week was absolutely perfect and incredible, and everything I dreamed it would be. I was once again reminded how awesome and supportive my family is, how much I appreciate them, and how much they center me back to reality.

Everyone got here Thursday and Friday...we went to Fairchild's and Monty's to eat, then caravaned to my apartment so everyone could see it. We cooked out and caught up and then Saturday we had a bbq out at Key Biscayne in Crandon Park. There was a reception on campus Saturday night for families to mingle, and it was so fun to show off my grandparents and parents. funny moments were Rocks telling my mom that I throw great parties, and Country introducing me to his dad as his "girlfriend" right in front of his real girlfriend. i had a beautiful new pink and white flowered sundress....After the reception, me, D, and Uncle went for drinks at Area 31...it was great to talk to him and get to know him a little. I've always thought he was such a neat person and it is so hard to get away from everyone and get to chat about stuff that maybe isnt so appropriate for the dinner table. He told me some family drama and we talked about books and politics and my job. Very cool.

Sunday was the big graduation day, and I woke up just thrilled and filled with adrenaline. I went over to the hotel for breakfast with the family and hung out chatting in the room and at the pool. Headed home to get ready and had to be to campus at 1. stood around with people, the majority of which I will never see again. It reminded me of college graduation a lot. The ceremony was very nice and when they conferred the degrees I just got the neatest feeling in my heart. Walking up to be hooded was very cool too, such a surreal moment. Amazing how the time flies and what a fantastic accomplishment. My mom waved wildly everytime i looked over, and later told me her and my dad were in tears when I walked on stage. I love them so much.

we had dinner at Fogo...I think everyone really got a kick out of it. the manager was very accomodating and we had delicious papaya ice cream with creme de casis topping. after I walked with my aunt and cousins to Lincoln road for souvenirs.

So I'm a J.D. now which is amazing and so exciting. Bar review class started today and 6 hours of learning was tough to deal with after all the exitement and climax of the weekend. I was so sad to leave everyone last night and it is always almost a scary feeling for me. everything was perfect and wonderful and truly went off without a hitch.

I actually feel very mentally prepared and ready to take the exam. I am looking forward to the routine and the challenge in a really sick way. it will be nice to have a very definable goal to work toward and I am pretty amazed at everything I learned just today. Its just crazy how the last three years culminated over the weekend...its like going up over a little hill, coming down, and then looking up and there is another one right in front of you. but then when you get there you don't even realize that you'd reached the top of the other one. like, I graduated law school yesterday. that's such a wierd feeling!!!!

and then

2009-05-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

THIS comes on ITUNES.

City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man
And she won't have to worry
She'll dress up all in lace and go in style

Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is
Only given to a man with hands as cold as ice

So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes

On the other side of town a boy is waiting
with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel

She rushes to his arms,
They fall together
She whispers that it's only for awhile
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide you lyin' eyes

She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night, it's gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry

She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool

My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be

You can't hide your lyin eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes

He had a yellow Corvette

2009-05-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

So...I went to starbucks on the beach this a.m....soy latte, extra hot. Family law study guide in hand.

This guy pulls up in a yellow Corvette. I'm partial...I love Vette's, he looks like Dwight, he has a girlfriend, he has blue eyes, he "does Real Estate," I'm lonely, I have coffee, I don't want to study. Recipe for perfection.

We chat for awhile about the mundaneness of life. My job, his job. I head to the beach for sun. He joins, after trying to get me a margarita and failing. He told me about quantum mechanics and how his friend has a seaplane. He wants to take me for a ride. I think about how i TOTALLY know his type. I am doing whatever he says for the next 6 hours. We both need something right now.

So, I have this damn review session at 2. I go. Then he calls me. Then I meet him at Key Biscayne, and only paid $0.95 of the toll b/c I thought it took Sunpass. His friend takes me up in an Aerospace Superlight or some ridiculous machine that is half rowboat, half sea plane. Its like parasailing with a motor instead of a boat. Totally hot. We see Madonna's house, Charley Sheen's house, Rosie O'Donnell's house, etc and then we fly by my home and office. I waived at the ole' Plaza to say hi to my future life. I am in a sea plane right now. Over the bay. With the friend of someone I met at Starbucks this morning.

Corvette boy says he wants to call me. I ask him what his girlfriend thinks of that. He says he isn't going to tell her. I told him that is his decision to make. Grimy. Use somebody...Kings of Leon...aren't we all?

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see
painted faces fill the places i can't reach

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

and all you know
and how you speak
countless lovers undercover of the street

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

off in the night,
while you live it up, i'm off to sleep
waging war to shake the poet and the beat

i hope it's gonna make you notice
i hope it's gonna make you notice
someone like me
someone like me
someone like me

go and let it out
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see

the morning after

2009-05-06T08:12:00.001-07:00

strange feeling today...like it was all some kind of dream.

Airtrain to Jamaica...all aboard track 8...

2009-05-05T23:37:00.001-07:00

Thus how it began...and ended....

Made it home today in a bittersweet cloud of love and hate. love of the experience, hate of the crash, but overall love and sweetness of the beauty of the paradox between the two. Watching him walk away again, onto the train as the conductor made the final call, I shed a tear or two and grasped the moment of my life.

The first grasped moment of the trip was making out in the train the entire journey to Bridgehampton, and just feeling like a beautiful young lover in his arms. There was a woman across the aisle reading "Connecticut Design" and I hoped that I am never her. I hope i am always riding a train, lovingly.

Then there was the woods. He wanted to test me, I think. One of the self-proclaimed laziest people ever all of a sudden wanting to climb hills and explore bunkers. I was game...and when he grabbed me and kissed me at the crest of the hill with the sun trying to break through...wow. He ripped off his shirt and we fell to the forest floor, mosquitos buzzing around his head and clothes haphazardly strewn around. This followed by more exploring and rule breaking.

Another grasped moment was this morning in the sheets...the cover was the color of his eyes and his skin the color of the walls under the shine of the sky light. The colors seemed so vibrant and perfectly matched. It was this beautiful ray of blue and white light in my life of craziness and confusion and vibrance and color.

I wonder what was going through his head at any given moment...the way one minute mine would be blank and the next swirling. It took me a good day to settle in and feel normal, and then I realized I had to grasp every single second of this amazingness.

The first time his mom took interest in what I do was in the car on the way to the train...but I actually like that. For some reason I feel like I was not validated to her until the end -- maybe something changed in his behavior that she sensed...or maybe I am being crazy. But I'm onto this whole tension and sensation thing now...and how noticeable these things are between people if you pay attention, and how to reign it in.

He's just amazing...and we are better together. It is clear that he needs a motivating force in his life. There are concerns, warning signs if you will, and I intend to keep my head. But i can't think about that now...I don't know how much time to spend on it. I don't know what our boundaries are. and I don't know if I want to know.

Anyway, I got home and instead of stewing around the house in madness roomie and I headed to a Cinco De Mayo celebration down the street. Sure enough her ex's friend walks in and they start chatting; naturally i start chatting with his other friend. Long story short, the guy is cool and the three of us sort of break off and have group therapy...trade recent relationship stories and bounce thoughts off eachother.

And it occured to me that my life is becoming about business now. no more school. Like when I meet people I have to be concerned about my professional reputation as well as my personal reputation. And i have to be double on guard for getting screwed personally OR professionally. Yuck.

DJ has this vagabond existence; It brings out that free spirit in me, which I like. But it makes me question a lot of stuff that I do not feel like getting into right now. Things I have already been questioning and are just brought up to the surface. Aye, I thought it would get easier.

Craigslist and learning about people

2009-05-02T20:30:00.001-07:00

So, I find myself in the Hamptons at DJ's moms house. She turns out to be legitimately cool...and I definitely see where he comes from. Something strange about meeting one's parents so early in the game.

He met me at the airport and I ate at a buffet style, cash only place in Queens. We were too cash poor; he had taco bell. Rode the LIRR and watched the working class meld into million dollar Westport mansions.

We went for a hike down the street and looked out to the ocean, after a nap, heavy petting, and some talks.

This guy his mom met on Craigslist comes over and we barbeque. I make pigs in a blanket, there are hot dogs and apple pie. Astronaut farmer and he had to leave to work as a bouncer at a sweet 16. Yes, I want to see craigslist guy's hundreds of pictures of the underwater world of the Phillipines.

Where am I and how did I get here? I love it.

let us not forget

2009-04-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

I am going to the Hamptons on Saturday to see DJ. There is so much I want to explore and learn about him and just relax and have an amazing time. I just dont want my ridiculous emotions and freak-outedness and anxiety to get in the way of me realizing and seizing every second of what is going to happen and the wonderful experience that it is.

In the year after....

the troubled man

2009-04-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

so...DJ and I had this conversation about dating people with "troubles"...he asked if I was still in that stage of life where I liked that...my response was that EVERYONE has their troubles...some more than others maybe...but that is what makes a person.

I look back on my past, and Lawyer was probably the first guy that I dated that had troubles and ADMITTED he was somewhat troubled. I don't mean troubled in a bad way or good way, just had issues with his life, the way he was brought up, where he was at, where he was going. To me, these are not troubles because I deal with these issues every day. We ALL have issues. It is unfair for a person to say they are a "troubled" one...although I think these artists types tend to milk that label for everything it is worth.

I wish i could sell everything I own and write a book about the experience...maybe in a few years I will. Yet, I do not feel the need to label myself as a "troubled" individual, outside of this blog.

Which raises the question...I obviously consider myself "troubled" on some level...but not the level I project to others (that I know personally).

but it is all a matter of comparison too....my basis for "troublesome" range from Lawyer who gave up the "dream" legal career and moved to South America (love it) to DJ who has parental issues to Roomie and her suicidal brother. My troubles stem from only-childism and forced religion...neither of which i consider to be particularly tough. seriously.

This whole sprained wrist thing BLOWS...but every day i am so thankful because it could be so much worse.

on another note...as Rebs says...I've reached the point with people that i know and law school experiences in general that I find myself just saying completely outlandish things just to get a response. many times i don't even care what the response is but i just want one. i just want to hear the response to i can analyze it and think wtf, did that person really just respond that way OR hmmm what can i say now to get another reaction, and what will that reaction be....

Haitian Mangoes

2009-04-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

I just had one for breakfast, and was transported back to the beach in Montezuma, where Michi tought us how to eat the juciest mango in the world with our hands and mouth. What a beautiful time in all of our lives, and I am so so so thankful for that wonderful trip. We were all at our wits end with men and came together to make each other stronger. Since we have been back, I know Rebs has met a guy and is taking it by the reigns, and I am very happy where I"m at with guys (guy:DJ) too. I feel like I am finally strong enough again to be wise about it, but still give way to my feelings. I know that I am in a place where my life is about to change incredibly, and I am cherishing and trying to grasp the significance of every single moment.

I still cannot believe I am done with law school. Like, I have a law degree. Strange. Well I still have one exam and graduation, but the reality of it is really astounding and exciting. I don't get people that hate law school or are unhappy with their choice -- look at what you are getting! It is something to be so thankful for and proud of. I can't wait (well, I can) for graduation...to see all my family and be around loved ones. We are doing a beach barbeque and there is a reception at school for families.

Then, the Bar...dun dun dun dun....ahhhh!!!

Last day of law school...

2009-04-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

no way!!!! Craziness...I feel so restless...but in a good way....next weekend I am going to NY to see DJ...weee....I have a trip booked tomorrow to Portland, but I am 85% cancelling it...I like traveling alone and all but I really shouldn't spend all the money and my wrist is sprained and that's kind of a pain to deal with while traveling. Staying in a hostel while trying to keep infection at bay is not cool. Will have time to travel later...go in style next time. I dunno, all these justifications but I just kind of don't feel like going any more.

Yesterday I drove up to Ft. Lauderdale to meet up with this guy I met in Costa Rica. he lives north a little bit but was down for work. We had beers on the water up there... very pretty and a new place to explore. It is so fun meeting people and having little random adventures like that. I put on my Ipod, was on the phone with DJ while going to meet Costa guy...something about it feels wrong yet that is the beauty of being young and single I suppose. I am so excited for NY trip... he lives up in the Hamptons so I am actually kind of excited to not be in the city but see a different part of the area.

it is amazing everything that has happened and changed over the past three years. life has been so good, and I've gotten to experience so much of it. All while living in paradise. Law school was definitely the right choice for me, let's just hope the career turns out to be as well!

first day of my last week of law school

2009-04-20T05:14:00.001-07:00

i can't believe it. i basically began blogging on the old site when i was going through the admissions process, and now my last class will be on Thursday. Graduation is still a month away, but as I only have one exam I am pretty much done being a student. the hardest thing to believe is that my formal education is over. ahhhhh!

i fell off my bike Saturday, majorly spraining my wrist. Choco drove by immediately after it happened which was just funny, and then i spent 4 hours at the ER hoping I'd get a hot doctor. I'm very thankful it wasnt broken, and it feels worlds better than it did two days ago.

Yesterday we went to Jimbo's Birthday, this 82 year old guy who lives out on some city property by the water and has huge bashes every year, kind of a hidden Miami gem. It was a good time, and then we went to eat at Joe' Tiki Bar where I had gone with the evil one last year on the exact same day....kind of funny how life is so cyclical sometimes. End up being the same places the same time of year (Monty's in the fall, for example, then dates on the beach and then the holidays and starting all over...) I wonder if that kind of feeling continues post formal education?

My friend Jess came along, I basically watch everything that happens to her during the year and see myself at a similar place next year; we have a lot in common and have similar lifestyles *and yet not so similar* but she's doing the career thing and the boyfriend thing and just trying to figure it all out, and I look up to her in a lot of ways. She's very smart but she always has fun, never uptight but a good girl nonetheless. i just see my life of work work work ahead of me and the sort of dejectedness or jadedness or reality of it all that is currently setting in with her...

its such a bummer being injured, i need to do a ton of stuff around the house but i don't want to exert my hand. so i guess it is kind of a blessing in disguise and i should jsut enjoy the downtime because it is so hard for me to just relax sometimes and force myself to sit and read or watch tv. but i like that about myself too, you know? i mean at least i fell off my bike and didnt have another stupid drunk accident haha. but showering is a hassle so i'm avoiding going for a run as we speak.

i booked a flight to portland this weekend...never been there and just want to take advantage of this time that i have off to explore. however i don't actually FEEL like getting away at this immediate moment but at the same time i know i will go apeshit sitting around the apartment. as evidenced by the boredom i am feeling right now. well i guess that answers my question about whether i really want to go through with it.

thinking of going to NY the next weekend to see the DJ. update on that after i talk to him today.

samba pa' ti

2009-04-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

as Michelle's father said: the best love song ever.

this sounds completely WHACK-O, out of left field, crack-smoking crazy. but awhile ago, on a flight, i had this wierd VISION thing of work guy. like i just saw him in my life for a really long time. weaving in and out, this constant force. WIERD, i KNOW!!! so today roomie and i were on our way home from going out on the beach last night, and i get a call from work peeps to have lunch. i at first declined because we had just bought a pizza, then i realized i wanted to go and particularly see HIM. i panicked over my outfit, my face, my hair, my smell and rolled over to the restaurant. as soon as i saw him it was like ok wow you are still the same. i still feel the same. i instantly was drawn to him as if no one else was there. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY do you have to work at my firm? but maybe that is all part of the attraction, i don't know. i mean i tend to get a little boy crazy pretty often, but this one is different. i KNOW it. something is there and festering and this was fuel to the friggin fire.

i know the first time i saw him, i thought oh boy he works at my firm, this is disaster. and i still feel the same. i just do not ever want it to end in disaster so i have been very careful with it, and i will continue to be. i just want to take all the right steps with him. i am torn between spilling that to him or just letting it ride. heaven forbid he find someone else. i would be absolutely crushed. i'll never forget when he was like, you know, we are going to be going to Christmas parties for years to come when we are both married and have families and we have to deal with this. but i want HIM to be my family. that's crazy.

emotions are so amazing, i can be so all over the board sometimes. but the spice of life is amazing and i love every minute of it.

i get more and more respect for Lawyer all the time, because he truly seized on the passion of life. i can't believe the point at life in which we met, we could not have been further from the same. and now i can see what he was doing.

we played footsie under the table and i texted him across the table to tell him i liked his cute checkered flannel-ish shirt. and his glasses. and his broken thumb. and the way he ordered a salad instead of fries. and ate the entire sandwich. and didn't touch his water. and did not want to go back to work. i wanted to tell him to come home with me and get in my bed and sleep. sleep.

give me a break, let me make my own pattern. all that it takes is some time but i'm shattered.

no, like i REALLY like you, we used to say to eachother over beers and Terrance in the back yard. his pacing. like i REALLY like you, and i'm scared of what that means for everything. what an amazing time of my life. he's going to this same party as me on Sunday, so we will see how that goes. i just hope i can keep my head on straight.

heading toward the black hole

2009-04-07T17:25:00.001-07:00

of Bar Study...
40 days I was informed today. It is really just hitting me that I am graduating from law school next month. like i am done with school. when i started, 7 years seemed like FOREVER, but now i just can't believe it is done. and I am about to be a lawyer. wow. wtf. the last three years have been so amazing...sigh..

went to a law school alumni function tonight...mah...free wine and food... i probably should make a concerted effort to "network" at these things...but i AM shy believe it or not and just generally don't know what to say to people. talked to one guy who interviewed me second year for a high-powered firm. that was awkward. he was telling me what he does...boooorrrrring. i'm like, do you like that? he's like, yeah its challenging and we're busy. that translates to i don't know what the fuck is going on and i work a lot of hours. can't wait.

so that side of me is like get off your ass, go out every night, enjoy your freedom and your life. and then the fat, lazy, poor, dedicated student side of me wants to sleep...

boop a doop

2009-04-06T12:37:00.001-07:00

hanging out today, as my last six weeks of freedom dwindles before my very eyes. i have a nice two week stretch at the end of classes before exams, for which i am searching for ideas to fill my time. i thought of going abroad or to Panama with this guy that I met in Costa Rica...but nothing was feeling quite right. Then it occured to me that I've never been to Portland...I kind of want to go out there, drive around the mountains and coast, take yoga, hike, camp, etc. Looks like it would be a solo trip, maybe Dust coming up for a few days. I asked DJ about it but he dismissed it...but i am ok with it being solo. I think it will really help me clear my head before studying for the bar and I am just in the mood for a random adventure....i don't want to deal with a language barrier, it would be relatively cheap, its beautiful, there've gotta be chill people out there, and i'm sure the food/drink is amazing. I mean who takes off to Oregon for a week by herself? IS that strange? I really enjoyed traveling in Europe alone but this is a longer time...and camping? Alone? really? kind of wierd. I guess once I get past that thought I will go through with it.

i'm going to take this moment

2009-04-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

of complete satisfaction with my weekend fling to reflect on the nature of chemistry. its really just so fascinating how i can troll around the city weeks at a time and never feel anything special and then meet some guy at a party for 40 hours and during that time feel this incredibly strong chemistry. now that he's gone it is obviously a different thing, but i am still on the high of that and think about him on and off throughout my day.

i am definitely a "fling" type of person -- i've had more than I can count...but it always amazes me that I can feel that way...and that's what makes me so happy. Even though a fling is often times not "real," it gives me faith in the institution of love. Ok, it ends too, and that crushing feeling reminds me that there is a down to the up. but whatever, one can't live life in fear of the downs. listen to me, i sound ridiculous!

ha, so while i have many "flings," this one is as intense and powerful as the one with A, back five years ago, almost to the day. It was so strong and intense and beautiful and it left me in a puddle of absolute surrender and vulnerability and hopelessness and obsession towards the end.

The difference? I was 20 then. Now, I am the first to admit I am not going into this eyes wide open, but I have been there and done it before so I am more apt to take it for what it is, ride the train, and hope and pray I know when to get off. I really do believe in things like this, and that the feelings are genuine; it is every day life that gets in the way. I have no doubt that traveling the world on a shoe string budget and hoping for the best is a much easier way to cultivate a relationship that "I have my life here, you have your life there, but we do have incredible feelings for eachother"

So much of me so frequently wants to dive into a life like that...hit the open road with no plan and no money and no ties. but so much of what i love about my world is my plan and my ties...the money...well it comes from my plan and my ties so it is what it is.

but whatever, i just am expressing all this positive emotion that feels so good. not that i have been down, but when you are on such a high it is like oh, i forgot how it feels to LIVE sometimes. like taking every single breath and every single second and just rolling with it.

of course that fear in my chest of May 18 (bar classes start) and the rest of the summer (not bad compared to my corporate life as of September) are impending and likely a catalyst for my feeling of freedom; the contrast of the two times in my life will no doubt be black and white. but i love every second. i feel creative and inspired and beautiful and healthy. I felt that way before he came along but this has magnified it x 100. and not that i give HIM the credit, but i give the feeling that developed between he and i, and that is largely the feeling that oh, yes, i am still human...and that is just what i needed.

when i have told the story to a few friends, i realize how ridiculous it probably sounds, and maybe it is. but it is incredible and beautiful how two people can share something that seems so utterly absurd to everyone else.

maybe its the season. Spring was practically MADE for flings...and i seem to have fallen victim in many a springtime hour. but as i said earlier, every year brings more and more satisfaction in knowing and understanding myself and being in control of my destiny.

that being said, i've been thinking a lot lately about things happening for a reason, right place right time, and purpose in the small things of life.

it blame the Costa Rica trip...it just flowed so smoothly and we seized every single second of every single day...not even wasting time to shower or complain...when time to turn of the world, the ipod came on and time to turn it on meant another round of pilsner. i've taken a lot of amazing trips in my short life, but this one was hands down top five. amazing how a dynamic can entirely make a trip. side tracked...but coming back from that trip and diving into last weekend was absolutely perfect.

anyway, i am convinced more than ever that every single thing happens for a reason; if we do not see it or understand, then it must being happening for someone else's reason. i can look back over my life and see how things haven't gone my way but i would have missed other more amazing opportunities. and every single thing that has come my way has brought me right here. a great spot!

these are beautiful days

2009-03-31T15:03:00.000-07:00

i've had a beautiful week...i'm on cloud nine...i need this and love it so much. it all started with Winter Music Conference last Wednesday...the whole week was fun, but I am most excited about Saturday night...went to an industry house party with D and Pat and a couple other friends from school. Typical night...having fun...saw this beautiful guy. We made eye contact and I commented to them that he was amazing, but saw him with a girl I assumed was his girlfriend so I was bummed. Then I saw him later dancing and introduced myself, super shy, that I couldn't hold the conversation. Later I said some random stuff to him in passing. Then he came up to me while I was on the phone...then D and Pat snagged him, gave him my number, and made him promise to call me. I tried to rush off the phone because I could not imagine what they were saying to him...we spoke briefly but he was leavin (this is like 5 am) to catch a flight back to New York. He said he'd call, I told him basically to screw himself, he tried to kiss me, I told him in his dreams. He left and D and Pat told me how he was super nice and couldn't believe I acted that way to him. Then I felt like an idiot, but what could I do, he was gone.

About an hour later he walks back in the door. He did not come right over to me, so we all started scheming that he was some awful liar who made up that story to get away from me. Crazy. So we started to leave, he found me outside, asked to kiss me again, I told him I don't kiss random club guys, told him to call me the next day if he wanted to see me, etc. He had changed his flight. Besides Eyes and his friend were with us and the last thing I needed was school friends seeing me make out with a random dude at a party. So we left it like that, he texted me later, I fucked with him some more, never dreaming a guy that beautiful would be into me. Also a little drunk and just feeling the be mean vibe because I'm like who is this random dude trying to fool, he obviously is trying to get ass and forget it haha.

so next day he texts me like, I really want to see you. I'm thinking what am I possibly going to do with this random guy from New York all during the day in Miami, he had not slept, I had slept like 3 hours, but something in me just said go see him right now. So I came home at like 2pm, showered and went to his airport hotel to pick him up. I decided to take him to eat at one of my favorite local restaurants and just show him my Miami. Then if it was awkward I could easily escape and so could he.

The first few minutes in the car were like, what is this, what do we talk about. So I started asking him questions about himself, telling him random stuff, etc. I'm driving to little Havanna, thinking this guy is probably freaking the heck out like what am I getting into. We had lunch, croquetas and pork and yucca and black beans and rice...at this point i'm just trying to entertain some random person, kind of show off my city and just look at his amazing face.

we finished up lunch and walked out to the car. There was this sexy tension and I was nervous. We got close and slowly kissed. Super sexy. We giggled a little, he teased me for not kissing him in the club...I asked him what he wanted to do...knew he had to be tired running on zero sleep but did not want to put myself in the situation of being back in the hotel room on a bed yet.

So I drove him to the beach on Key Biscayne...it was a gray-blue day, with a breeze and lots of windsurfers on the water. We pulled over to watch and kissed against my car. He later told he was picturing a cheesey walk on the beach holding hands but that it was really cool what we did. i wouldn't have wanted the cheesey-ness either, but we were meshing great and wow what a great kisser. There was Spanish music playing in the background which set a cool scene. We talked a little, he suggested we "watch tv"...I told him I knew where he was going with that, but finally was so exhausted that I relented.

We drove back to his hotel and went up to the room. He played me this song that he wrote (he's a dj/record label owner for house/trance music....so perfect meeting for WMC)Some more talking and kissing...i told him pretty quickly where the boundaries were, but didn't elaborate too much...he was silly and playful but respectful. We layed there talking and looking at eachother, slept briefly and more making out. Around 1030, I decided I should leave, again trying to avoid a difficult or compromising situation of staying overnight. We tried to get dinner but the restaurant was closed...made out in the elevator, letting it take us to random floors and I went home.

He had said he wanted to try and change his flight again the next morning (taking advantage of over-bookings, so basically he's collecting free flights and staying in hotels on the airline's pocketbook...smart!) I waited with mucho anxiety for him to call me when he woke up in the morning, wondering if he would, or if it was a dream or if it was just him trying to get sex, failing, and being done with it. When I heard from him I rushed to the hotel. We hung out for like an hour before I had to drive him to the airport to see if he could change it for another night. We had this crazy hot makeout session in the elevator again...felt like a high schooler.

We got lost on the way, but listened to Tiesto and found we have the same favorite song -- Put Your Loving Arms Around Me...it was so sexy. We pulled up at the airport, wondering whether we would see eachother again. good byes are terrible...we had a beautiful and passionate make-out sesh with great tracks on the sound system...sweaty as heck because it was hot and my sun roof was open....he walked away from the car with his bag slung over his shoulder and it was just a beautiful moment. I burst into tears and drove in circles until I felt better. I drove back to my place through Brickell at lunchtime, seeing lawyers in suits and ties and blue shirts and wanted to scream that my life is going to become that (even though that is exaclty what I want). But experiences like this make me so scared that all my adventure is going to have to come to a halt.

I went home...failed miserably to focus on a paper that was due in a few hours...texted him "don't go" right before I knew his flight was taking off. He called to say he got it extended one more day....phew!!! Since I had to take a friend to the airport in a couple hours, I told him I would stop by then before going to the tennis match I had planned with a friend. Obviously part of me wanted to cancel the tennis, but I told myself I would not rearrange my life for this still largely random guy...he was super cool about it anyway, teasing me about having a date and understanding that my life is here.

I got lost trying to find his different hotel this time...drove in circles...finally found it literally 15 minutes before I had to be back at my house for tennis. I couldn't stand the thought of not running into see him, so i literally ran in, kissed him, told him I would call later, and rushed back to my house.

After the tennis match, i called him and went over to the Marriott. I was so happy to see him, and we had an amazing night talking about our lives and eachother and kissing passionately. It is so easy to talk to strangers about anything which makes it really easy to bond on these crazy deep levels. We talked about wanting to see eachother again, but were honest about how crappy the situation truly is. I stayed with him until about 5 in the morning...it was so incredibly hard to leave and we kissed until i thought my face would fall off... in the best way...

It was fun to set boundaries, and I know what's up with me and that. I explained to him that I want to know someone before getting into all that and all the different levels of understanding that need to come before it...at least for me at this place in my life. I think he was somewhat flabbergasted but awed by it...he kept saying he couldn't believe I was going to be a lawyer....green crayon, turqouise and silver. Amazing all the sweet nothings it is so easy to say to someone you just met.

The feelings I am having right now are so refreshing. I forgot that I could feel this way and how fun it is. obviously this is a precarious situation for my heart, which is largely why i held of the way that I did sexually. I don't want to fall into a random city booty call for him and had some sort of passion and attraction with him that I think is extremely rare and I did not want to destroy. The way he was looking at me cannot be faked and I think he felt the way I did. We live extremely different lives but whatever happens we shared this beautiful few days together and it renewed my faith in love and meeting people and my ability to have feelings and express them. Obviously this needs to translate to my real life but it is simultaneously a great time in my life to meet passionate people and learn about them and my self through them ...and help them learn about themselves.

I wrote a poem about/for him. don't know if i will ever have the courage to share it with him, although i would love to. i don't know where this is going or if it is, but i know i am welcoming for whatever is meant to happen. he tried to change his flight again today and i just keep telling meyself that if we should have seen eachother we would have...for some reason i was not supposed to see him today again, but i hope that i can soon. aye the passion of life can be so beautiful.

so i think i figured out my problem.

2009-02-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

i just like too many men... i like about 5 guys at the moment on different levels and for different reasons. maybe more. i think i have an addiction. but i don't know how to STOP. and I don't know if i WANT to stop. I'm having a blast...it is challenging...i'm learning a lot about myself, and strangely, relationships. or at least i think i am. i am learning whatever it is i think i want to know. like what i won't be able to tolerate, and what i will when Mr. Right finally does make his grand appearance.

I need someone who can take my ridiculousness and believe in me and understand it and break the rules with me, but not all the time. he needs to support me, but let me support him too. let me take care of him. he needs to understand my moods and my interests, but i want him to have his own too. he needs to believe in something. he needs to want to travel, but with me :o)

Warz and i discussed the honeymoon stages of relationships last night. see, i am ADDICTED to them. I love honeymoons. I love weekend trips and visits and flings and first, second and third dates. I keep telling myself that I just have not met the right guy yet...but part of me wonders if an internal change is required...but in the meantime i'm having a blast...if it ain't broke don't fix it?

oh, and i am LOVING the Eagles lately.

I just had a flashback of the summer I was in Breckinridge with my parents and met one of the guys working at the hotel for the summer...totally made out with him in his summer cottage after going to an outdoor Skynrd concert and drinking cheap wine. ahhh youth.

there is something about the sounds

2009-02-23T04:01:00.000-08:00

of the city on a Monday morning. It is especially notable after the near silence of Sunday. The engines, construction, trains....starts out relatively quiet....slowly increasing to the 9 am rush, then evens out for the day, picks up again later, and then the quiet of night. The sounds of industry and work yet the sluggishness of a Monday morning, the reluctance. The sun rising slowly in time with it all. A big orange one today, particularly pretty. I'm going for a run on the beach then Bikram.
I took a "me" weekend and stayed in...got up early for Yoga and a bike ride Saturday, and then went indoor rock climbing with R. It was super fun and we are going again tomorrow. We went to Scottie's afterward and indulged in steak sandwiches and beer, watching the water and talking about life...what a great place. Sunday I got up and read the paper at Starbucks, rode over to Crandon Park, did laps in the pool, worked on some homework and made sweet potato rolls for a friend's Oscar watch party, which was really fun. I loved Angelina Jolie's look of jade earings with the black dress...I"m ripping that off for my Barrister's dress this year.

serious glut of material

2009-02-19T17:45:00.000-08:00

which probably means there is plenty i'm just not thinking. i was sitting in class earlier and had this thought that i feel a little uninspired lately. not quite sure where to look for it, either. like i don't feel creative. dull. very strange feeling. i guess i just need to shake it up a little. gonna take this weekend "off" -- do healthful active activities like yoga and rock climbing and maybe paint a little. well we will see how that actually goes lol. i need some male excitement in my life, for sure. starting to really think i handled the entire Choco situation very poorly.

unconventional

2009-02-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

i just got really scared. it just hit me that i could end up leading a very unconventional life. i see my life taking two paths: one...working for a couple years, accepting it, meeting a guy, getting married, having babies, lock down, retirement, white picket fence (or gate), suburbs, saturdays at the mall, soccer games and girl scout meetings, dance classes and senior proms. two....working for a few years, getting fed up with it and teaching English in Peru, putting more footsteps on the earth, meeting guys, maybe someone special, maybe not...coming back to the states with a completely unfathomable different perspective and setting out on a new adventure here or there or anywhere.

it is a scary-as-all-hell thought in that it means i have no plan. direction, but no map. i just don't see myself chained to a desk for the next 5 years of my life. i don't know what i thought it was that i'm getting into....and granted i'm at a great firm...but unless something comes along and derails me from work being my focus in life, i think i will soon go crazy. or come up with an exit strategy.

i'm taking spanish and it is very inspiring. everything i learn about it makes me want to learn more. i kind of just want to screw everything and go learn spanish. obviously that is not happening but the girl can dream. man and it is just soooo great taking it in Miami, because it is like a constant challenge...all day every day...i hear Spanish at the store, read it on the roads, and listen to it on the radio....when i don't want to think i can think in Spanish...can't believe i blew it off for so many years...

anyway maybe i am just having a moment of wishful thinking...but one needs those. i actually just really hope i come out somewhere in the middle of all that.

mini relationships and the things they teach me about myself

2009-02-10T17:56:00.001-08:00

so my ex-boyfriend from college, S, senior year....I hooked up with him over new years...came to visit this past weekend. I was apprehensive about him coming because i tend to DO this to myself...short little fling weekends that are amazing and then i get depressed when i realize the reality is anything but like it is for that few days. but i figured finally that, hey, i'm still young and single and if that is going to be the case I am going to embrace it. So he came in...it's funny how some people you are just naturally comfortable with. like, even though we haven't been together in 3 years and hadn't spoken in 2, i just felt natural and comfortable with him. i could be myself and just generally didn't care what he thought about things i say or do...you know, that comfort thing. also part of that is that he's staying with me for four days so he can't piss me off.

anyway. i told him sex was off the table -- freaked out about STD's and pregnancy as a cover for emotionally being freaked out. the first night i thought it would be really hard to stick to that once i saw him, drank tequila, and got in bed. but when we were fooling around i just got this really strange feeling in myself that was like, you know what, this is my body. i have to respect it. i think in the past i didn't take full ownership and control of my SELF. if i do not feel emotionally comfortable with something, no amount of physical attraction is going to make it ok for me. so in that department, we (I) had a great weekend of manual satisfaction, but i just did not feel like i could give myself to him in that way (even though we did in the past)...and i conciously or subconciously blame him for some of my issues in that way for a number of reasons...

but it was nice to hang out with a boy my age who is at my same place in life and is just generally a little rough around the edges. he's just a huge BOY. i'm used to being around guys who are a little bit older and refined...so it was a change but at the same time i NEED someone who can grasp the finer things in life. maybe that is shallow of me but i at least like when someone appreciates certain aspects of fine dining or artistic representation. but then again he would suprise me with other observations that were insightful and cute.

also being around him was an interesting reflection on myself. i realized how much i value my space and my time...about 24 hours in i was going nuts...i just wanted to be alone, go for a run, not have to entertain someone. the thing is it is so FUN to entertain someone and show them all my favorite things to do in town...i felt like some things he did not appreciate...but how much of that is just him being a boy and not "getting" the things i do... again, self reflection. so anyway it is fun to entertain someone, but man, a boyfriend is a lot of work. keeping him fed, showered, happy, entertained...i guess i need the person that i am with to appreciate that i am doing and enjoy doing those things for him. like i made pancakes one morning and a pizza for us one night...i LOVE LOVE LOVE doing that crap for guys...it's rare that i feel like they "get" what it means to me to be able to do that for someone.

Also my moodiness was reflected when someone else was there to receive it 24 hours a day. i can go through an up hour and then a down hour, and while i wouldn't even notice if i'm bustling around the house or running errands, when the switch happens while you are constantly hanging out with someone else, they notice and call you on it.

oh, yes, and i was thinking about Workie quite frequently over the weekend. it is such a wound in the flesh sometimes. i am so crazy about him...see him in my future...reminisce about the summer...paint this rosy picture for myself in my head...thing about where i WAS that summer...just completely obsorbed...i want to tell him so much...but i'm terrified and feel like i have to proceed with extreme caution to protect my livelihood as much as my heart. but how much of it is reminiscience and how much of it is real? How are things going ot be when i start working? does he think about me as much as i do? we keep in touch through occasional emals and phone calls, such as when funny things remind us of eachother or when i have travel quesitons for him. i just want things to be how they were...i want my heart to be open...but then i don't even know if it was right with him.

sigh, oh the matters of the heart.

The Game of Life

2009-01-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

Remember it? From your youth? Well...this awesome bar near my place offers it in all it's charicatured glory for patrons to enjoy. Me and roomie bet the bouncer the other night when he was working at a club and decided to try out a new spot...played a few rounds of backgammon and then went on to Life once Iceland (guy friend) got there.

It was so strange to play it as an "adult"...the object of the game is to retire with the most money...you start out with the option to go to college or try and score a high paying job without. You are guaranteed at least 40k (teacher) and the potential for advancement if you go the college route. But the caveat is the 100K student loan debt. How much more can I relate to this decision making process than I could at age 12? I remember my mom ALWAYS took the college route and encouraged me to do so, too. In college, you do things like "Spring Break in Florida" for 5k (!!!) and miss a turn for exams. Then comes post-college...engagement, marriage, buying a house. Then babies, the opportunity to go back to school OR have a baby (guess which i chose?), upgrades on the house and car, vacations, private school and college for the kids, more vacations and "dreams" like sponsoring an art show or having a family portrait painted. Amusingly, along the way, are opportunities to sue another player for $100k. Sometimes you win, sometimes they have a card that exempts them. You get to the end, maybe have grandkids, and retire. he with the most toys wins.

What a clever game.

Even crazier -- the fact that I just stumbled across a holiday photo album of three girls that I went to SECOND GRADE WITH on facebook. amazing that I remember this. One of them actually goes/went to my current school and lived within a mile of me...I lied to our teacher in second grade and said that I knew where she lived and would take her homework over when she was sick. I did not, in fact, know where she lived. Now she is on facebook drinking beer.

its a beautiful life

2009-01-19T14:19:00.001-08:00

oh ohoh...cue Ace of Base. Why is MLK weekend always so much fun? Last night went to Seggafredo and Set...started talking to some random, ended up having him pay for our cab ride home, got in my bed, he slept on the floor, I woke up and the apartment was trashed and there was food everywhere and he was gone...my camera is MIA too. there were tons of cute guys out last night and it was just a really fun, random night as they have been lately. I'm in a good mindset for it. I know how I get...go really hard for awhile, wear out, get depressed, chill. repeat.

i feel like every weekend of the semester is already taken up with something...its just coming and going so fast and then there is graduation and Bar study -- YUCK!!!!

le sigh. time for yoga.

Leaving law school, joining the circus

2009-01-17T15:41:00.000-08:00

Roomie and I just went to Ringling Bros. circus. It was awesome, and left me wondering what kind of person decides to up and join the circus, how the heck they transport all the animals and equipment, where the creativity and inspiration for such an amazing production comes from, the history of circuses in general, and how it all comes together.

The animals are incredible...elephants, tigers, dogs, white ponies, the black stallion....the costumes are beautiful...again, I wonder where the inspiration comes from...i think my favorite is the trapeze or the contortionists...makes me definitely want to hit up yoga tomorrow...

this all follows an amazing South Beach night...I had dinner at the new Morgans hotel at Asia de Cuba...great food, better people watching. Then we went to China Grill for some drinks and the new Fountainbleu for dancing...we were bored and deciding against spending 15 a pop on drinks and walking out the door when some guy offered us his bottle and table since he was leaving. the night just got so much better -- somewhere to sit, our own space, and free drinks! We chatted with the guy and his friends for a bit and then they left...we wandered around dancing, etc. I met a hot brazillian soccer player and danced with him...saw a big group of Workie's friends and one of them very nearly crossing the line with a girl not his girlfriend. Not to judge, but he always seemed like such a sweet, innocent guy and to see that happening was a reality check that you are the company you keep. BUt of course it was the club and everyone was wasted...but THEN when I was talking him he kept grabbing my ass. I was quite shocked. I tried to get info about Workie out of him since he was so obliterated, but to no avail.

We left the club and roomie and i randomly started talking to some guys who said they were from Switzerland...we decided to join them for breakfast and get advice about life from someone who's been there. They were cool -- I love meeting people like that and ahving random, fun conversations. I think they got wierded out by one of our friens who happened to be at the same restaurant and was being obnoxious towards us...they split and we finally rolled home around 7 am. ridiculous...old enough to know better, but still too young to care :)

so much to do

2009-01-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

so little time. shaping up to be a busy weekend... my first ENGAGEMENT PARTY...friends who just got engaged after 3.5 months of dating....when it's love, it's love, and my relationships tend to fizzle about that time. But WOW. that's just craziness. What's the rush? Anyway so there's that...then some other party downtown...Friday night dinner at Asia de Cuba and Saturday open at this point...either Shakespeare in the Park and/or the circus (yeahhaaahh) and Sunday dinner party or Shakespeare.

I felt like a housewife today. Had coffee with Mich, lunch with work friends, cleaned house, went to yoga, and generally had a great day. Now I am antsy to go out but wtf I guess I have no one to go out with AND i know I should save energy and sanity for the weekend which promises to be busy.

School? yeah...still trying to figure out my schedule but shaping up to be cool...

Went to Tobacco Road today...hands down the BEST pulled pork sandwich in Miami. Amazing. Sketchy, seedy, wooden, stale, busy, ancient and amazing.

first day of the last semester of law school

2009-01-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

bummer...i guess....i am relishing every day...sleeping til 9 30, working out for an hour and a half, cooking nice meals for myself, painting, reading, golfing, beaching...yes, this is law school. i DO like structure and i enjoyed working...but this is the last five months of my life of this greatness, and i am seizing every day.

i just spent

2009-01-05T17:30:00.001-08:00

an hour discussing my bar trip....over wine and mole...with my madre. I want to do Thailand. I want to sit on a beach, ride an elephant, I want to experience the far east. I want to lay in a hammock, watch the waves crash, get $20 happy ending specials, and look forward to the rest of my life as a lawyer.

I'm having issues about the companionship. While we are talking, I'm watching marijuana references on family guy and become torn between spending 2-3 amazing weeks experiencing my mother vs. 2-3 amazing weeks experiencing my friends and/or my self, and the different worlds that those involve. They can be polar opposite at times, but i know who and what is truly there for me.

I have felt so good being at home. I am loved, I am not judged. Even though the Hawaii trip with Mr. D has fallen through, I came clean with my parents. Rather than ranting and raving at me, my mom dug through her closet to find beach clothes that I could wear. I have spent the last 4-5 years thinking they would ex-communicate me if they knew that a (now 42) year old man was a recipient of my affections.

The same with S... I saw him and even though I broke up with him all those years ago, it felt so comfortable and so normal and so "college" to be with him. I wasn't shy...I was myself...

So basically I don't know what all of these circumstances are telling me...(oh, and not to mention the compelling read "Of Human Bondage" and all the thoughts it has stirring...thanks for the reference Paradox)...Life is so ugly and it is so beautiful all at once...when you realize how vulgar and terrible it is and how many layers lie before you...how low you can get and how impossible it seems...then something beautiful comes up and suprises you....freshly fallen snow or a raging fire in the fireplace or the look of an old friend...when the idealism of youth wears off and you are left standing with things that matter...when you realize that honesty is the best policy and produces the best dividends....when you realize there are some things about yourself that will never change...when you realize that at the end of the day you have no one else to answer to but yourself...when you realize that people around you feel the same ways that you do...but that is so hard to believe or accept...when you realize the beautiful paths that are placed before you...

sigh...this may be the first year it is hard for me to leave home. i am truly excited to be back in the sun and on the beach...but this has been an incredible, introspective trip home to the deep Southwest This was a great read....amazing how the human tradition trancends generations.

yay!

2009-01-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

I just registered for a Spanish class for the semester. Great resume builder, a good excuse for more travel to Spanish countries, something great for my self, and an embrace of my local culture!

Recap

2009-01-03T16:00:00.001-08:00

Some years I make them, some years I don't. Whether I make them or not, there are few that I have kept. I hesitate to even look at last years' so as not to disappoint myself but I suppose I should.

I always like to do a re-cap of the previous year...what happened...explore how things changed for me.

January: I feel like I was very strong this month. I went through a break up at the end of 2007, so a new start in 2008 was amazing timing and I felt great...I had my health back...I owned my life, 2L year was good as far as grades go, and I was back on the Mr. A high. (remembered how I felt about seeing him New Years 08 from reading my old blog from then just now...) Chili cook-off was in January too...always a great time. Went to New York for Roomie reunion 2008...

February: Was another good month. There was Daytona 500, probably being depressed on Valentine's day, ran into Lawyer at the Pink Party..kicked him in the shin...got it out...went full circle on that train ride.

March: Went to Berlin and Prague...amazing. There was winter music conference... days in the pool with Lawyer...school...tax...

April: summed up by Barristers Ball and the dream/nightmare of C and Key West that followed for a month or so after and resulted in one of the (so far) most influential and educational and traumatic experiences of my life.

May: Always defined by exams...this time also by a violent, heart-wrentching break-up and wasted vacation. Started my job at The Firm...got my first taste of that whole (beautiful) world.

June: Working...meeting work guy...L.A. for the wedding and seeing A. Some talking to Joe...meeting people outside of law school...wait, there IS life out there!....concerts

July: Working...trip to D.C. which confused me more than anything else that resulted from it...more work guy and Joe...slipping into that comfort....concerts...Brooks and Dunn...amazing....

August: Started amazingly with the retreat...sigh...those were happy days...rolling in the sheets, talking, being so sure and unsure of the future all at once...

September: Again, defined by an amazing trip. Peru!

October: Turning 25. I swear, this happened and I hit an awful downturn for the next few months. I think some other factors (absence of Workie) contributed...but whatever...mom's visit...

November: going through the motions by this point....Wine country -- awesome and amzing but bittersweet wake-up call of my ability to convince myself of something that is not. Pre-exam period sucks...Home for Thanksgiving... always nice...

December: day in day out in the library, then straight home. Phoenix with the parents, awesome Christmas...and Vegas for New Years...

2008 was a good year...I feel like there were two or three periods of ecstacy, followed by periods of devastating low-ness. Fortunately for me, 2009 has started on a high note and I feel great, after the past few months of being down in the dumps. This year is a huge one for me in terms of professional change and development...i KNOW that I am at a great place in my life and I am excited to see what the year has to offer.

Oh

2009-01-02T17:44:00.000-08:00

my goodness. Mr. D just invited me to Hawaii.

What a great start to a new year...If I'm gonna be single, I'm going to enjoy it!

Like it's 2009...

2009-01-01T10:03:00.001-08:00

2009 will always be the year I graduated law school...I need to do a year re-cap...NYE was fun...more on that later. In typical fashion wore ourselves out on the 30th...went to this new place Lavo for dinner...Michael Phelps was in attendance...he seemed like a fish out of water...no pun intended...we kind of felt bad for him because it just seemed like a bunch of groupies tagging along with him. Anyway then we went to the club upstairs...total madness and lots of funny antics...including underage celebrities, shots, being asked to leave the club, eating at Grand Luxe like the old days, near-miss fights, etc...typical Vegas madness...I felt like a college girl again, ha. Woke up in my friend's boss's room at the Venetian...that girl sure hooks it up.

I also saw the ex, S...we'd had dinner the first night and not gonna lie...I wanted some loving and there is nothing like the familiar...We hadn't spoken in probably over a year and I was not sure what to expect. But when things went well and I remembered why I once-upon-a-time liked him, we caught up the next day and hung out after I had lunch with my old boss. That was fun too...seems like he is doing really well, and I am happy to know that offer is still on the table. We had margaritas and fish tacos, just like the old days. He sent me an old INXS album that he says reminds me of him. I was hurting a bit (ok, a lot) from the night before but hopefully managed to form sentences and not sound or act like a complete lush. Anyway hanging with S was good...of course I go over in my head, wondering why we DID break up...or why I broke up with him...but its nice in the kind of situation we are in now...no pressure or whatever, so we were honest with eachother about all of the things that were wrong with our relationship and what is up with us now in life...I invited him to come visit if he wants...why not right?

Like I said, everyone was pooped on New Year's eve...it was tough to rage but we had some champagne, got ready at the Venetian with the girls and somehow made it until midnight...saw Fergie perform...not impressed...danced...laughed...loved...saw this HOT cop that I used to be obsessed with watching at the gym...told him so...oops. At the end of the night we went to eat breakfast and ran into more people randomly that I knew from back in the day...crashed out back in the gorgeous suite...woke up and spent the day hurting on D's mom's couch haha. I watched Dude Where's My Car...hilarious. Got on the plane last night...spent the evening with Jess and woke up to watch old church camp videos and look at pictures from childhood with her. Good times...

I'm so exhausted...running on very little sleep...glad to be home with my parents some more...but anxious to get back to my routine at home home. Happy New Year everyone!

2008-12-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

i love planning trips

2008-12-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

there is something invigorating about picking my seats on the flight...especially when i have enough miles for a free trip to Vancouver....YAY!!! heh...its kind of funny...I wonder who I will sit by on the plane? I'll never forget the over-eager Jewish mother on the same row as me on my last trip to L.A....telling me about the magic of her son's long distance, 8 year relationship. ha. Sometimes I feel like talking, sometimes I don't. It is always interesting to get into someone's life story. Then the guy on the way home for Thanksgiving, who was going to meet the new love of his life...someone he met online after a divorce from a cheating wife.

I always get anxious and hope no one sits directly next to me...I usually plan well enough ahead that I don't get a middle seat...and there is always the strategically placed purse in the middle or the glaring looks. Or, if I'm in a good mood, a friendly smile, and "sure, go ahead." I'll never forget Jess's inspiring story of meeting Mr. Right Now on a flight home for the holidays. Some things in life are random, some are not, and some things I guess you just never know, and it is up to one's own mind to make that determination.

Dust and his friend Leah are skiing in Whistler for a couple of days...then spending three nights in Vancouver...for which I am joining them. I will get there a day early for 24 hours of solo exploring. Looks like they've picked a sweet hotel...I'm sure I will be positively freezing...but I've never been there and why not.

time to research things to do in Vancouver!

familia

2008-12-25T20:31:00.000-08:00

after pigging out, we took out dad's 47 Ford tractor and took some family shots for the "New Year's" letter. I laid food-coma on the couch and passed in and out of sleep...ate some coconut cream pie and watched Ice Age...we played Monopoly...and I won for probably the first time ever. Maybe law school is paying off? I actually know what a mortgage and title deed are now, so that is exciting. basically ate myself silly today and plowed through my amazing book...life is good.

A called me and we talked for a good while...what a strange strange person and situation. But I still love the kid...I guess now it has just evolved into a sisterly love. I read this in my old blog about him, shortly before we re-connected last New Years:

"there is a lot of baggage that has come between but i'm excited for the opportunity just to live and experience whatever it is that is in store for me with him. i don't want or expect anything from him -- i would like him to be needy and desperate so i can be like, ha, joke's on you. but my MO is just to be the incredible, confident, sexy girl that i know is in there and have a blast. he needs to see what he's missing."

I'm so glad I read it......the journey this year has been another amazing one, with lots of ups and downs, but i've still got everything going for me and every reason to be that incredible, confident, sexy girl. i am disgusted that i would ever think anything less.

so enough boy whining. seriously. me and my little panic attacks about the future...i swear... then i have moments (like now) when i realize how incredibly ridiculous and distorted my perspective can get at times. I heard a cool quote the other day: A life lived in fear is a life half-lived. TRUE THAT.

if i lived at home

2008-12-25T13:04:00.000-08:00

i would probably eat myself to death. no reason NOT to dip that last piece of bread and turkey into gravy. yum. love it.

love being home for the holidays. it is even better when there is pretty white snow on the ground. no matter what ridiculous things are stressing me out at the moment, it is still Christmas, I am still home, and my parents are still here.

My last Christmas as a student...wow...eeeee...i think most people go through this crisis in college...i just extended mine a few years. what am i doing? am i even goign to be a good lawyer? what have i REALLY learned in the past few years? what have i accomplished? what can i still accomplish? have i made all the right decisions? stop having a quarter-life crisis. i'm ready for it to be gone any day now.

i sporadically get inspired with bouts of positivity about the future...and i love these moments and i know THEY are true and right. it's that whole in between part that is killing me sometimes. although i still recognize it is completely pathetic and misguided. i feel like i'm sort of digging out of a hole, and i'm digging and digging and someone just keeps pouring dirt on top ofme. i'm not giving up and i see the way out, but it is just unattainable at the moment. i mean i don't WANT any of the things that i think i want, RIGHT NOW. so CHILL.

pooo. anyway. Christmas rocks, about to lay my fat stomach under a down blanket and read "Of Human Bondage"...currently captivating me.

Crisis?

2008-12-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

Or fear? Just sent in for an LLM brochure from NYU.

On the way back from Phoenix. LOVE the west/southwest. Sigh. Looked up LLM programs at ASU too.

Clearly still questioning my direction. Dang it. Maybe just feeling restless or something. Lonely for sure.

Merry Christmas!

and man, we had the time of our lives

2008-12-19T16:48:00.000-08:00

on a post from a couple of years ago

There’s a picture of us in Baha, California
Eating fish tacos and drinking cold, cold beer
And man we had the time of our lives
Yes that was a very good year
Drove all the way up the coast of California
All the way up to 101
One time we cruised all the way to Vancouver
Just to watch the setting sun

Every time I looked in those far away eyes
I could see me getting left behind
I gave her my best
But her west was wilder than mine
Got lost in the desert and found an Indian casino
And she started rollin those nines
Stackin up the chips half way to heaven
Without even trying
We watched it all go at the roulette wheel
She let it all ride on the black
She said don’t worry baby
You can’t keep what you never had
You can’t keep what you never had

Laugh like the devil and howl at the moon
I knew I was losing my mind
I gave her my best
But her west was wilder than mine

I was gasin up in a dust storm outside of Sedona
She was chasin tumbleweed
She flagged down a kenworth and jumped in a cab
It was the last of her I’d ever seen
It was the last of her I’d ever seen
Where the wild wind blows and anything goes
As long as its over the line

I gave her my best
But her west was wilder than mine
It was wilder than mine
Theres a picture of us down in Baha, California
Eatin fish tacos, drinking cold, cold beer

What amazing lyrics... (Brooks and Dunn, Her West Was Wilder Than Mine)....an interesting time of my life when I originally posted them: first year of law school. It was so tumultuous and I was so confused about so much. i guess I found comfort in the lyrics of this song and related to it 100%. And it is so awesome because reading it just now STILL gives me the chills. I've got a wild heart. But I get sad and lonely too. I love the chasing and the being chased. I love that I drove up highway 101 this year with someone who used to mean everything to me, but not enough. I'm thinking of going to Vancouver in January. Been to Baja California. its a song of love and losing, of good times that shape who we are. I still love adventures, but they have such a different connotation than they used to... they are more personal now, more than about just "going" somewhere. but not totally. I STILL just love going places. I hope that never changes.

i love the line "and man, we had the time of our lives." It reminds me of so many adventures and flings and loves over the years of my early twenties. while i don't want that to end, those things just don't really fulfill me like they used to...well actually, they probably never did, but i just didn't care then. I guess it is virtue of where I am in life...about to embark on a career and some degree of seriousness, but still trying to seize the last few months of my young, uncommitted life to the fullest without hurting my heart or being reckless. anywho...lots of time for thinking over the holidays...sort of what i need and sort of what i don't need.

home for the holidays!

2008-12-19T15:58:00.001-08:00

something is so exciting about doing nothing...and by nothing i mean wrapping presents, sitting my the fire, watching tv, reading non-law books, eating goodies, and being with my familia. the holidays are the best. i keep thinking this will be my last chance to spend an extended amount of time at home...as a student anyway. Exams went ok...it is always such a black hole for that week or two... but I really have no one to blame but myself for having to cram 12 hour study sessions for 10 days. Two of my classes were pass/fail, but there is such a fear that you actually will fail that it is necessary to study as just as hard as otherwise.

After exams I was feeling crazy and couped up...went golfing with Chocs and pool day drinking with W at the Floridian and then hit up Blue Martini with law school friends. Spent Wednesday driving to Ikea only to discover I had left my wallet at home...traced back, went to Aventura mall for retail therapy... then met De and we tried an awesome new wine bar, Eno, on Lincoln Road then had dinner (Foie gras stuffed filet mignon and skewers and wine_ at a cool place with a cute Russian waiter. Then I went to check out Feldy's new place (awesome...rooftop terrace!)...went home, packed (i.e. threw things into suitcase in random order), hopped over to Eye's, hung out with him and another friend from study abroad. Reminisced about our summer abroad, played guitar hero, bowling, and golf...tried to feel out if I wanted to stay the night and potentially hook up. Finally around 5 30 a.m. decided against it and realized my 8 am pick up for my flight was going to be brutal. went home, slept for two hours, got on a plane and now i'm here. wish I would have had a few extra days in MIA before coming here but it's all good.

it was fun to see Eyes...not going to lie, I had guilty and selfish motives...the good kind though. I'm on the prowl... I wanted to make out and was hoping it would happen. maybe it was me or him or the Joe or the lateness or just the fact that we haven't seen eachother since like Sepetember but whatever. He's a sweetie. Besides, I want to focus my attention on Chocs. oh MAN, i'm a mess.

I really hope I didn't mess that up in the past by like pushing him off because i wasn't feeling it. of course now i realize the error of my ways...i am tempted to think that i am drawn back to him from being lonely and lack of any other distraction. although i am pretty sure he can see right through me at this point. he's always there when i need him, always secure, always safe, always sweet. i don't know if it is anything, but it is nice and comforting. i'm just scared i've spent too much time pushing him away, and i don't know what to do about it now.

enough!

2008-12-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

so ready to be done with exams. due to my lackluster planning, I left myself about 1 and 1/2 days to prepare for Business Associations tomorrow. Thank GOD I took it pass fail...but I am still super stressed. I've only had time to read this random outline once and bits and pieces of Gilberts. Yes, this is why I am on blogger.

and I have a crush on Chocs again. that is all.

I am

2008-12-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

A walking zombie...fulled by caffeine and eggs and sushi...(Brain food???)

Had amazingly hot dream about work guy last night...a la our morning in the Keys. Yum.

A nice reprieve...back to the books.

I heart public transport

2008-12-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to recognize people on the train. There is this one big black guy on crutches. And a cute security guard that I've seen 3 times now...once when I got rained on after yoga. Strangely, things like this help me feel like I live in a community. This town is really amazingly small, and proves it to me every day.

good mood

2008-12-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

this evening. had dinner with Lawyer...its been about 4 months (gasp!) since we've seen eachother. it seems like he is doing well, i was feeling good and it was nice. I had a key lime baked alaska which was amazing. i wanted to make out with him, cuddle. but i would do that with a pine tree right now.

i got minimal studying done today. mildly hungover. ok more than mildly. but i soooo needed a night out and it was so much fun to hang out with roomie and D. minimum drama...but the night would not be comlete without it.

i'm feeling re-juvenated about education. D is deciding to go back for her masters, and i'm so excited for her and it reminded me how grateful and happy i am for my education and how many opportunities and doors it opens.

been thinking some about looking for a job next semester. i want to get some trust/estate planning experience. my firm does not do much of it and i feel like this is my chance to dabble in it before getting locked into the next few years of trying to get on my feet. can you say LLM?

relaunch

2008-12-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

has occured. I finally thought of a name that I like, so here goes. Viva Journey.

Starbucks is such a strange place. I went in today on my way to campus after deciding against fighting the lines at the local JAP convention center/campus branch of our beloved coffee maker. (Well, I ended up fighting anyway for my hot chocolate...). The guy behind the counter was super sweet and easy to flirt with...so I did...and had myself a free hazlenut latte. Then talked to a former potential priest about the randomness of life and the beauty in everyday, small things.

I love the Stacks...for some reason it is comforting to be among cinderblocks with my hot chocolate and books. And blogger is always such a fun distraction.

I decided I'm going to talk to CPW. I am tired of hating him and it is wearing me down, I realized. The time for closure has come. This is going to be the year of me having emotions and taking risks and doing what I feel. No more repression. No more wondering what if.